Letters to the Editor
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Bewildered...
...when I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, I was sent home and told to enjoy what time I had left. (So much for doctors, I am now in remission.) Anyway, I dunno about the letter writer's friend, but when I was very sick I didn't want lots of people around. And I didn't expect lots of people to be around. I accepted help when it was offered, and made do otherwise. I realized many people just can't handle being around sick people, much less people with cancer. LW, this is about her and her death. It's not about you. Just gradually fade into the background, call less each week. She has more important things to worry about, and probably other friends who really do care about her. There is no need for any big dramatic kiss-off.
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Cancer Cleans House
Unless this woman really doesn't have any friends or people that care about her, this is the perfect time to slip out of her life. If she's like me (and all my friends whom have had cancer), she will be more interested in (only) sincere friendships now than she ever was, and she will treat your backing off with the grace of someone who content to let well enough alone. Things like wishy-washy friendships just aren't that important when you're in chemo. There will be plenty of people who do want to be there, and she'd rather spend her time and energy on them anyway.
Most likely, she will gladly cooperate in the initiative to turn her attention to those that are sincerely interested in being involved with her and her struggle.
That being said, it's not necessary to confront her or be aggressive. Like I said, this isn't her biggest concern right now. Let it go, work on your own tendancy to end up in these controling relationships. Meanwhile, if she reaches out to you during this time, do as you like, but small gestures can go a long way to someone who is ill without overly involving yourself. She'll get the message but appreciate the kindness.
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and you aren't uncaring if you fade away
some people seem to think if you back off there are other (better) people who "sincerely care" about her health. Other people--like myself--said it's OK to back off if this freindship is toxic.
Please realize that it is highly possible to BOTH rightly need to back off AND to care about her health. It bothers me that some people seem to think if you need some distance it means you don't care that this woman is sick. Of course not. You DO care, but keeping close to her is toxic for you and her.
so, don't worry that some people are implying you don't sincerely care about this woman's sickness. You do. At the same time, it is not healthy for you or her to maintian a close freindship.
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Just Say No
Dump her now. Why?
1. She has other things on her mind and may not even notice that much.
2. If she does, you'll have given her a gift: something real to bitch about.
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My experience with pushy people
I have known three pushy people for a very long time. With each of them, at some point things got so bad that I confronted them (and I found out others had confronted them too.) The thing I didn't expect is...when some pushy people are confronted, instead of getting mad, they happily admit it, back down (for a time) and don't hold it against the confronting person. In fact, they will admit they have been confronted about it before.
When my parents' house was destroyed by a tornado, only two people said "Is there anything I can do?" You guessed it, the two pushy people. One of my pushy friends stopped a coal-burning power plant. Sometimes the world needs pushy people. I could not have stopped that power plant.
My advice is 1) Confront pushy people NOW before things get worse or before they get cancer. They will likely say "Sorry, I know I can be rude!" instead of getting angry. They might get pushy again but you can confront them again. Of course if the person is insane that's another story, but some pushy people just have a little bit of insane and a whole lot of good in them. 2) You can probably confront this woman even though she is sick. She will likely admit "I can be rude!" and if she is like the pushy people I know, happily go along as if you were right to confront her. Pushy people often don't have the sensititivity that reticent people have, and won't sulk. Then, after you confront her, you can sort out your healthy boundaries without having to ditch the person entirely...and you will feel your rightful amount of power and your place in the relationship, rather than running away and worrying how the world sees you. I know that feeling of always being the wimp and treated accordingly...but if you speak up the pushy person might laugh and say Yeah I'm pushy, sorry, I will try to do better.
In my experience sometimes very smart (with a little bit of personality problems thrown in) people get bored easily and that's why they interrupt. I'm not saying it's right, but they probably need to be confronted so they are mindful of it and do better on their jobs. They are used to confrontation and maybe you're not, but they might not think it's a big deal and might be OK with it. See why I get interrupted--I'm long-winded and repeat myself.
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Way to put the past to rest?
You mentioned your boyfriend's illness many years ago how, despite having broken up the relationship before the accident, you became a pariah in the eyes of his family and friends. That shunning hurt you, still hurts you, and changed your perspective.
Maybe this situation can serve as a way to work through that resentment and (perhaps) regret that you still seem to carry?
Perhaps being good to this woman may symbolically be a way to put that behind you?
By "good" I don't mean become her best friend. Rather, keep doing what you're doing, as your heart sounds as if it is in the right place. Be helpful, but keep your emotional distance.
You don't have to be superwoman. Often, to the sick, the smallest, seemingly innocuous gestures can seem terribly heroic and very kind.