Letters to the Editor
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Is a yawn necessarily rude or symptomatic of boredom?
When I'm chatting with friends and one or six yawns slip from them, I don't consider them rude or assume that they are bored. I assume they are insomniacs, like me, or that parenthood is incredibly taxing, or even that a glass of wine and heavy cream sauce can induce some serious tired. I can assume these things with my friends because I know them very well. I also know them well enough to expect an interruption here and there, especially when I know we're on a favorite topic.
When I have dinner with acquaintances/future friends, however, I find it's more difficult to assume anything about the other person. I stifle yawns. I don't speak when I'd like to so as not to interrupt or insult. And I'm uncomfortable as hell! If getting together continues to be an uncomfortable affair, I nix the idea of a friendship and appreciate that I have a nice acquaintance. I don't want to sit at a table where anyone's stifling a yawn or a thought.
It's clear from the LW's description of dinner that someone, (if not some) was/were uncomfortable at the table. It was time for the LW to pull away from the table and the dinners altogether, and I commend her for backing out gracefully. Likewise, I would commend her for taking this approach with her bitchy acquaintance who has cancer.
The bottom line is that the LW does not want to be a friend to the woman with cancer. No matter if the woman with cancer is truly a bitch or not. No matter that she has cancer. It happens, cancer, as well as bitchiness and guilt. No need to make any one of them worse by bringing them together.
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Im pretty outraged with the other letters to the editor...
What comfortable lives some of you must have. What a complete lack of any real grasp on what it means to fight cancer. Listen LW... your problems are quite petty compared to what your "bitchy friend" is going through. She will undoubtedly be undergoing a huge perspective change. To those who think her personality will not change, they are wrong. Does this mean you have to be friends with this person? No.
Your internal conflict about to be or not to be is a bunch of crap and you need to get over yourself. If you care about her, then be a friend to her. People with this kind of diagnosis need help. Grocery shop for her once a month, cook a meal for her every so often, but remember that food can be a big turn off if she is on chemo. Still, its necessary for her to eat to keep up her strength. Stage 4 cancer is not a death sentence, and to those who propose you wait it out till their funeral, they aren't looking past their own busy and unimportant lives to give you such lame advice.
How do I know? My wife of only 1 year, who is 32 has brain cancer, diagnosed 8 months ago. Now I could have run away from this problem, as could have many of her friends, but no one has. And my wife's diagnosis was grim, but she is fighting and will win this battle, in part because she has such a great support system.
Now back to your terribly important crisis. Life is short. Do what you want, throw guilt out the window, its a useless emotion unless you learn from it. If you want to help and be a friend to this person, then grow up, tell her like it is and offer her your support. If you want to tell her to "fuck off out of your life", then I suggest you just stop calling/seeing her and avoid causing this poor woman any more grief based on your self serving attitude.
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Red Leg
Holding a good thought for you and your wife. I hope you both make it through just fine. Best of luck.
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Red Leg
I am a cancer survivor. A tumor in my intestine... small change compared to what you shared and you were right to shame us. I wish you well, in fact I will be thinking of you often. What you said hit me hard. Thanks for the wake up call. Now, how to reach those in positions of power with such a call............
ring ring
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I sort of am that woman...
I am a difficult person to get along with and became even more difficult to get along with when I got seriously ill and was in pain and discomfort all the time. A lot of people I loved rallied behind me and due to some strange miracle, I got better even though I wasn't supposed to. So I am grateful for what I have and what I got when I was sick. But here's the thing: a lot of people totally blew me off when I was sick. A part of myself can step back and forgive these people. I am difficult to get along with first off. And illness makes a lot of people uncomfortable and I've heard that even the saintliest of people lose friends when they get sick. It's a fact of life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you do disappear from this woman's life, you won't be the only one. And there will be plenty of people who step forward to take up the slack. From this woman's perspective, she won't focus a load of hatred on you. She might feel bitter and resentful that a lot of people skipped out on her when she needed them the most, but if she talks to other terminally ill people, they will report experiencing the same thing and eventually she'll get it.
I imagine that the best thing to do in this situation is to be there for her occasionally. You still get along with her and she's in your thoughts. Cool. But you don't need to visit her everyday or listen to a litany of her aches and pains. She probably has a lot of people in her life who are really helping her out, changing her diapers, giving her unmitigated sympathy, visiting her in the hospital etc. And occasionally she'd just like to touch base with someone from her recent past who isn't "always there." She might like to see someone who isn't on her "sick team" to hang out for a few minutes and make small talk. Be that person and don't feel guilty that you're not more. You'll help her more than you know.