Letters to the Editor
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Is there any actual advice in this entire response?
Sheesh.
The simple answer is yes, you have to continue to be her friend. She's likely not going to live much longer, and she isn't one of the most important people in your life, so it's not as though this is an undue burden. See her occasionally and suck it up--you'll be glad you did when you're on your own deathbed and lots of people come to see you, a few no doubt out of a sense of duty.
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Seems like you're doing the right thing
She was never someone that you'd grown to despise, she just became someone you'd just as soon not be around. So you made some distance. Now that she's in a terrifying situation and probably has a great need to feel loved and cared about, you've put your (visible) irritation with her away and are showing her kindness and compassion. That's the right thing to do in my opinion. I'm not seeing how that could be considered a flaw or a weakness. I'd call it strength of character. Having said that, if you really want to dump her as a friend you can do that too without requiring too much self loathing. As long as your not mean about it or feel the need to itemize the resons to her, you can slip quietly away and leave her to her close friends. Option one is above and beyond and commendable, option two is perfectly okay - nothing to put on a resume, but nothing to beat yourself up over either. Just my opinion.
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Why is it wimpy to comfort a dying woman
Terminal diagnoses change the dynamic. You seem to be more worried about being a wimp or being taken advantage of than anything else. You should try to figure out why this is such a fearful thing for you. And meanwhile, if someone in your life is dying, it's not wimpy to comfort them. You can stand up for you autonomy with someone else.
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Help Her
You can go see her and help her just by being there for a little while every couple of days. You can do this without letting down your emotional boundaries, getting tangled up, etc. It's not either-or, you can be a friend without totally giving in, and you don't have to completely dump her to avoid feeling bad about past decisions.
She may not last long, and you will be happy that you helped someone when they needed it. And...life is short and throws curveballs at you, so you never know when you'll need people to be there for you.
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Re: Mike B.
Sort of along the same lines, but different:
No, you don't have to continue to be her friend. No one is obligated to be anyone else's friend, ever. Being someone's friend is a choice you make, not an obligation. But, in a twist on what Mike B. said, don't be surprised if hardly anyone shows up on your deathbed.
Can you continue to be civil, and show up when socially expected, and listen to other people talk about what a shame it is that this person is dying? Sure. Do you have to? Not at all. Just remember that choices have consequences, and map out your life accordingly.
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Why not ditch her?
The LW was already extracting herself from the bitch's grip BEFORE the diagnosis, so I advise to keep up with that. Don't put yourself in a continuing unpleasant situtation JUST because the bitch now has a terminal diagnosis. Believe me, she will get even more controlling and bitchy before she kicks it. The diagnosis will not change the person she is for the better.
I know this will not sit well with those who believe in compassion for the dying, no matter how controlling the woman was before (and probably still is). I myself don't believe in it pity fucks even for the terminally ill. And that is what you, LW, are basically offering.
If you couldn't stand the woman before her illness, it will come shining through when you visit her in the hospital. There will be no true sympathy or sorrow for the woman. It will be an obvious chore done out of "duty".
But for those who think she will be "abandoning" the controlling woman, she had already done that before the diagnosis.
Pretending to still care, would be the height of hypocrisy for the LW
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Where is the part where she discovers you are having an affair with a teen?
Am I the only one who reads the amazing resemblance of this letter to "Notes on a Scandal" and wonders if it is real? Oh, for the days when Ann Landers used to smoke out the prank letter writers from Yale with the words, "Sorry, fellas, I spotted that New Haven post mark."
But supposing that the letter is real, the LW leaves out one of the most critical pieces of information: does her "friend" have no one else besides her? What if the LW's husband, or her own elderly parent, were stricken with cancer and the LW's time were consumed with taking care of that person: would Ms. Hateful be left all alone? Does she have any other victims? Any family? Church members?
LW, if this is really happening, you show a serious tendency to let yourself be victimized, that you need to overcome, and there will never be a convenient time to overcome it. If your friend has other resources, you need to say to her, "I'm sorry that the first time I can find the strength to be clear with you is a time that is so critical in your own life. You have shown no respect for me in the past, and if I continue to associate with you, I am showing no respect for myself. I'm very sorry for what has happened to your health and wish you a complete recovery. Meanwhile, I need to pursue my own life, free of association from those who are inclined to demean me. Goodbye."
If you really are her only resource and she is utterly bereft of any other comfort, then you need to say, "In our past association, you showed yourself willing to demean me for no reason. Despite that, I feel bad about what has happened to you and want to offer what comfort I can. I hope you can respond positively. If you find that you can't, and that you must still engage in demeaning behavior, then I need to let you know, frankly, that I can't continue to be in touch. I want you to know what is at stake. The choice, and the responsibility, will be yours."