Letters to the Editor
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LW, after reading your letter and post
I'd say you don't like the typical dating scene of bars and parties. You feel distance because you feel disingenuous.
Find a place where you feel authentic, real, yourself, rather than the "on display" feeling you have at clubs.
Volunteering for an environmental group? Pottery class? Political party? Church? Something.
the deal is , you feel fake at bars, and men sense that and stay away. You need to figure out where you can get out among people while you feel real and the men will be attracted to you.
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many women become friens with guys, then shut out the possibility of these guys ever being a future relationship.
Funny, I'm a girl, and I always thought it was the guys who did that. Sometimes you know already that you like someone for a friend, but could "never think of them in that way" (having sex with them). Sometimes you change your mind, sometimes not But I think it's true for men and women both, you have to have SOME kind of spark of 'not just friends' interest. Real men -- and real women -- know how to handle rejection without getting all psycho about it
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It is hard
In your follow-up you say: And the whole proactive dating thing just seems so hard.
Well, yeah, it is. It's scary to risk rejection. It's unnerving to set up dates with guys you've never met. You have to put a lot of effort in. But if you were looking for a job, you would do things, right? You would read the ads and send out resumes and ask people to keep you in mind if they heard about an opening. You would put some work in. Why should finding a boyfriend/partner/husband/lover be any different?
You may feel it should - because it's supposed to be that way. Because in the movies you love, and the books you read, love strikes like a thunderbolt. Or maybe it reveals itself slowly. But it doesn't have to be worked for, planned, searched out.
Unfortunately, in real life, past a certain age, it does. If you're in high school or college, your whole life is arranged to maximize contacts with other people. Nearly everyone is single and looking, and life is set up accordingly. But in your thirties, you're living in a world set up for couples and families. Those who are still single are often the shy ones, the ones who can find it hard to connect with people. So you have to work at it. And it is hard. But it's also rewarding.
I say this as a very average-looking woman who has found a wonderful man at the age of 35. I spent the last few years in a relationship with another man whom I had met during a concerted effort on my part to meet people - I held parties, accepted every invitation out I received, and made a serious effort to interact with people I didn't know when I did go out. That relationship ended, and I started again to look for someone. I asked out and was rejected by a lovely man I met at the farmer's market. Oh, well - try again. I tried internet dating, met a couple nice guys and one jerk - and I met the man who has made me happier than I've ever been. Frankly, I wouldn't have met him if I hadn't been willing to open my mind beyond my own prejudices. I usually go for artsy guys, he works in a bank. I've always dated tall men, he's just an inch taller than me. But there was something about his eyes in his picture that made me email him. I've fallen head over heels. He's a shy guy and would never have approached me. I'm so glad I risked contacting him.
Go ahead. Take a risk. Take a lot of risks. It's worth it. And meeting people can actually be lots of fun, if you focus on the other person.
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@ Brightstar69
I am intrigued by exotic women (exotic to a white guy) so I would be interested in you if I saw you, but intimidated all the same.
Yes, but why be intimidated? You are a member of the dominant culture of this nation (USA) and she (the exotic woman) is part of an immigrant group or ethnic minority. It behooves you to display a little noblesse oblige and put her at her ease, not the other way around.
Probably it is because you have been reading too many Civil War romance stories in which blacks of both are possessed of superhuman sexual prowess and powers of obeah and rootwork. I have news for you. Them days are gone!
You remind me of a young male coworker not so long ago, who had seen a photograph of my then amor (of African descent) and decided to co-opt me as a advisory consultant on African American sexuality. The question he posed was: "do black chicks like to do it really hard and long?" I explained to him as gently as I could that any relationship between two individuals took on its own character over time and that I could not give a definitive answer to this query. (However last I heard his Caucasian girlfriend had dumped him anyway. I heard a rumor about why on the grapevine, but, alas, too scurrilous and demeaning to mention on Salon.)
Anyway, my point is that if you feel intimidated by potential partners, then you can expect them to feel the same way about you. So do you have a Mexican standoff, or do you do something about it?
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Amerigo
Yes, but why be intimidated? You are a member of the dominant culture of this nation (USA) and she (the exotic woman) is part of an immigrant group or ethnic minority. It behooves you to display a little noblesse oblige and put her at her ease, not the other way around.
Amerigo, you mean well. But until recently I would have felt intimidated to approach ANY woman cold. Actually, if anything, I get along better with foreign, immigrant, first gen Americans or minority people than I do with the alpha anglo females who have already decided I am worth nothing because they are used to hot frat boy players whose daddies own whole companies.
Which leads me to my next comment, in my view it is not us white men who are the dominant culture. It is white men, but RICH white men, and more so it is the rich white WOMEN who are the number one alphas in this society, not the men.
in my view, the social pecking order in the US is:
1. Rich white women
2. Rich white men
3. Poor white women
4. Poor (relatively) white men (I am in this group)
I can see and understand why men need to put on airs that they dominate over the women (after all women DEMAND this of men). I do not agree with this, though it would help me get what I want (female dating partners). I believe in living honestly, not in setting up false expectations I cannot possibly live up to, the mistake most men make, which leads to the inevitable failure of their relationships in this society.
Probably it is because you have been reading too many Civil War romance stories in which blacks of both are possessed of superhuman sexual prowess and powers of obeah and rootwork. I have news for you. Them days are gone!
I do not read fiction. I participate little in this culture, it is too corrupt for my tastes. What little I do glean about this issue and people's views of it is from the memes that permeate the society.
Anyway, my point is that if you feel intimidated by potential partners, then you can expect them to feel the same way about you. So do you have a Mexican standoff, or do you do something about it?
yeah, I have learned to 'act' and am getting better at it. To overcome intimidatuion about approach, I just zone out and not care to psych myself up. Really, I respect women MORE when they do the approaching, even now, but I realize it is not easy to brea through the dominant meme in this society that only men take risks and approach.