Letters to the Editor
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You got problems, but they are not about you
1. If you have half a brain and show it, the players will not bother, figuring you know all the tricks and the picking is easier elsewhere.
2. The non-players are likely shy
3. You are black, worse yet, sort of black. There is a 'positive' taboo against black women in that many white men expect black women to be sexually very experienced and EXPECTING a good lay, so they might be intimidated by this if they are not screwing everything that moves. Also, one black girl I dated swore I was with her only for the sex, which I was not. but she figured why else would a white guy want her.
4. Men expect that a smart woman gets what she wants, and her way. Better you learn to become proactive and give the guys some obvious clues that you want them (not the typical cryptic girly cues only players understand)
It is probably not about race at all. And you should not act dumb to get guys, because all you will get is players.
I am intrigued by exotic women (exotic to a white guy) so I would be interested in you if I saw you, but intimidated all the same.
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Interesting, But Apparently More Common Than I Thought
Friendly acquaintances turned to friendships and after about a year the guys started hitting on me.
This brings up a good point. I thought I was the only guy who could not stand to just meet a woman and get stright into a sex based relationship without knowing her first.
Apparently, there are scads of guys like me who, knowing how many crazed whack jobs there are out there, want to get to know a woman and be comfortable with her before they commit to sleeping with her.
Turned on its head, I know, but I always felt this way. I knew one girl for four years as a friend before I even let on that I was sexually interested in her. Of course, we slept together that very night.
Another issue related to this, many women become friens with guys, then shut out the possibility of these guys ever being a future relationship. This of course shuts out the good men because the woman then dates guys she barely knows who will inevitably be playing her and use her and ultimately not give a crap about her.
Guys see friendships leading to better relationships. Women mostly seem to have a mental disorder that precludes them from achieving this level of success in a relationship with a man.
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I could have written this letter
LW,
Are you my long lost twin sister? I fit your same description and have the same problem. I have been single for, hmm....too long to calculate. I blame my predicament on location. I live in Boston , and it seems to me that the population here is so uptight that even saying hello to a stranger will earn you a scowl or a turned shoulder. The guys here seem to do everything they can (in my experience anyway) to hide any interest they develop in a woman. When I meet a man I feel as like I need experience in code solving.
Here comes the strange part:
The few times I've been approached the men have been gay. Even when I'm in a place that is chock full of straight folks I seem draw out the one gay man there. I can't explain it. It's been that way since high school. My solution? I go with it because most of the time the guys are cute, sweet and hilarious. I get their phone numbers and voila, instant shopping buddy. If you're still reading you may have guessed by now that I have no useful advice to offer you except this; try what Carey suggested. I think what he said was spot on. If the gentleman you approach think he's going to get instant sex from you, take it as your cue to move on.
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Travel
I don't know if this is feasible, but if you can, it might help to travel abroad. I remember back when I was shyer than I am now, traveling abroad gave me a surprising bout of courage. Somehow, knowing I was somewhere where noone knew me allowed me to kind of reinvent myself. Not anything drastic, just me, but better. You might be able to practice flirting in a "safe" environment. Plus, as a foreigner, you draw more attention and this might be interesting for you to experience.
The only risk is that you do end up meeting someone and then they live a zillion miles away when you go home.
Anyway, just my two cents...
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@ "Introverts in an Extrovert World"
To the anonymous person who posted this:
As I mentioned before, I'm an introvert in a LTR with a total extrovert, and I think we compliment each other very well. She nudges me to get out and meet new people, reminds me to network at work, etc., and I help her step back and look at a situation where she has a tendency to get caught up in the moment. Sure, there is occasionally tension in the relationship, when I need to relax quietly and she needs to throw a dinner party, but I think this tension is good.
I do have some good friends, both introverts, who married each other and have a very close and loving relationship. The problem with two introverts in a relationship is that they can become somewhat reclusive. They're both quitting their law firm jobs next year and moving to a remote area of France with an 86-acre farm. One of them is concerned that, once they're there, without being required to go to an office, she just won't get out at all. She seems to recognize that someone or something needs to push her to be with other people. So that would be the down side of introverts shacking up with other introverts.
But to each his/her own. LW, I would add, based on personal experience, that a lot of the difficulties you face in your initial interactions with people, and a lot of the advice you're getting here about eye contact, really shouldn't be over-analyzed. This is because all that stuff is going to more than likely clear up once you meet the right person. I had all these same problems, and yet the very things that cut against me in many other relationships were the things that charmed my partner right off the bat. I come across as earnest and enthusiastic; I suck at flirting because there's nothing coy about me. I had a friend who told me, "One day you're going to meet someone who appreciates your enthusiasm," and I never believed her until it happened. But it does happen. I think your job is not to work on your hair flips and eye contact, your job is just to place yourself in new social situations where the likelihood of meeting that person will be substantially increased.
Anyway, that's my two cents' worth. Good luck to you!