Letters to the Editor
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same deja vu
I, too, recall a very similar letter, although I have no idea how to track it down. Just adding my two cents.
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Getting a date
Writing as a white man who has dated many black women and been married to a couple, I would say a couple of things based on my experience.
I think a lot of white men are interested in dating black women, but maybe a bit scared of getting things started, so maybe, exactly as Cary say, you need to flirt with them a bit to get them warmed up. There is nothing that interests a man like meeting a woman who is interested in him.
As far as the racial thing goes, I don't know. So much depends on what part of the country you live in, what social class you are, what kind of work you do, what religion if any, and so on. I have not found that there is a huge prejudice against so-called interracial dating/coupling/marriage, however I don't interact much socially with white Americans. You mention elderly Italians, who might not be your thing, but you may often do better with men born outside the US, which may be a large or small segment of the population, depending on where you live.
I think possibly the problem is that you are a bit more introspective than most women, and perhaps men are not perceiving you as available. This may be teaching one's grandmother to suck eggs, but eye contact, repeating a person's name, and light touching on the arm are the usual ways of showing an interest in getting to know someone better.
This I can tell you, there are scads and scads of men out there who would find you very desirable.
Internet dating would probably get you thousands of suitors. The only problem would be weeding out the duds.
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Women approaching men...
As a man, who has done his fair share of time in bars, I'll refute the previous poster's assertion that men in bars, who are approached by women for conversation, assume that woman will have sex with him.
Not a useful generalization.
Perhaps the kind of man who is MOST OFTEN approached by women in bars will be like that.. but there are plenty of people, male and female alike, who are happy for the myriad and un-determined kind of social interactions that begin with a comment, may involve an exchange of drinks, and which may or may not lead to anything innocent or otherwise.
To each their own possibilities...
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Maybe it's because the white men she meets don't want to date a black woman
It seems that it should be easier for her than it is. If she were in an all-black environment, she would have *no problems* having men come up to her all of the time. Now, if these were the kind of men that she would want to date, that would be another issue all together...
In my experience if she were an attractive Asian woman or blonde, she would not have problems attracting American white men. Although the dating scene is tough not matter what your race if you don't marry your high school or college sweetheart, it seems to be horrible for black women all around.
I think the stats are 1/2 of all black women don't marry. I wonder what the reasons are?
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For those of you experiencing dejavu with this letter...
Here's the link to the letter that it reminded me of:
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/01/23/excellence_fatigue/index.html
Title: "I'm a babe, a total catch, so why am I alone at 39?"
First paragraph: "I'm a 39-year-old black woman who has had only one serious romantic relationship in her entire life. It lasted just six months. I never dated in high school, had a few "hookups" in college, and had just that one relationship when I was 24. I've spent the last 15 years piecing together a rather pathetic "dating" life with men I've met through either online/newspaper ads or the few blind dates I've been set up on. I continued to go out with the majority of these men for a little while because I was lonely, not because there was any kind of real attraction -- mental or physical -- on my part. The few men I actually was attracted to did not want any type of committed relationship with me, but stayed around for the sex. I've spent most of my 20s and all of my 30s basically alone..."
This letter reminded me instantly of that letter as well.
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Seen Mad Men?
I have the same problem - 28, perfectly attractive, a good catch, not particularly good at small talking men, rarely date. I'd love it if men took more risks, i.e. came over and talked to me. But out and about, the men that do so are generally pretty gross/inappropriate, and the ones I'd really like to talk to are conditioned perhaps to think it seems sleazy/cheesy or whatnot to be super forward. And yeah, sure, of course it's true that I should take matters into my own hands more and not depend on men to make the first move, and I know this, but putting that knowledge into action is not so easy. Re. the generational issues...Anyone seen Mad Men(it's about advertising sales execs, their secretaries, and their wives, set in 1960, very pre-womens lib)? The situation between the sexes depicted in the show seems pretty awful for both the women and the men, and the men are so forward with women as to basically be harassing them on a fairly constant basis, and women are only prized for their looks, etc etc. On the other hand, my reaction to it all is that I'd like a little more forwardness from men - not to be ogled, just to be...approached. We've hit the opposite extreme from the world of Mad Men, and all of us (men and women) have become wimps.
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I think you need a new hobby
First off, LW, are you shy, or are you an introvert? Big difference between the two. In fact, Cary has addressed this issue in previous columns, linking to a very amusing piece about introverts that ran in the Atlantic Monthly a couple of years ago. That article is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
I ask because I'm an introvert, myself. My partner is a big-time extrovert (she literally relaxes by throwing a dinner party), and one thing I've noticed about the two of us is that she is much better at making polite chit-chat and meeting new people than I am, whereas I at a party am more likely to have an intense, 20-minute sit-down conversation with someone about, say, the filmmaking prowess of Alfonso Cuaron. I just suck at making chit-chat, and I'm terrible with names to boot. So dating was always hard for me. I just don't have that ability to charm someone in the first 10 seconds I meet him or her. With my partner, it was blind luck that we met at an event that was so poorly attended she was willing to have a long conversation with me instead of flitting around to 50 different people making chit-chat like she usually does.
So, if that Atlantic Monthly piece sounds familiar to you, and you think your introverted tendencies may be a contributor to your general dating issues, my best advice to you would be to take up a new hobby and/or possibly a form of political or social activism (I also have two good friends in a relationship who met during Katrina relief in NOLA, who knew that was such a singles scene!), something that will give you a whole new social circle of friends, something about which you can develop knowledge, insights and passions, such that when you finally meet someone, you can have a substantive conversation about this great hobby or activity instead of the usual tiresome chit-chat one normally associates with being picked up.