I SWEAR that Cary answered a letter with the exact same lw (30, black female) with the exact same problem (is attractive, can't get a date) a couple years ago. I don't know how to find it, but I'm almost POSITIVE we've seen this exact same letter before. anyone else remember?

to the lw, have you considered online dating? It's worked for friends of mine.

a) you're shy. b) you're black. In these times, there are still men who may not approach you b/c of these things. In my experience, a lot of men like to approach the extroverted white women first...especially in bars & the expected places.

Howeverrrrr, as many men are very turned on by black women, you just need to give them the green light. & the shy thing probably isn't giving it to them.

So I vote for the online dating thing. But I also vote for taking a chance & asking an interesting man out, as Cary said. You have nothing to lose, & it'll get easier each time.

To LW: I'm also an attractive, nice person, and I notice that the only men who approach me at parties, etc, are MARRIED. It's the weirdest thing. I really think the single men have 'issues' where they just won't even talk to a woman, for some reason. I can't figure it out either. I think Cary's right tho -- try being more friendly to them, initiate conversation in a really non-threatening, non-flirtatous way. That doesn't always work either, but at least it's something.

I have to address Cary...Cary -- when a girl approaches a guy, that guy thinks your're going to have sex with him. And, when he learns that's not the case, he looses interest. Sure, I'm generalizing, but, I have been single for 12 long years, and I speak from experience. In fact, I was going to write for your advice on this very subject. I'm thirtysomething, but I easily pass for 28, beautiful (so friends say), intelligent, outgoing, athletic, practice Buddhism, make a fabulous blueberry pie, etc., etc. And, I've tried online dating, vision boards, and blind dates. And, I've been single for 12 years.

Anyway, LW, I feel your pain. And, pain is an option. I don't know what to tell you other than keep the faith. Perhaps some of us need to practice being alone.

You are not the only one. And it's not because you are sort of Afr.-Am. I have a couple good friends, mid-thirties Americans like you. One is extremely attractive; one is extremely smart. Both of them were too picky.

Here's how they found love:

1. The extremely attractive woman went down to aid Katrina victims, and fell in love with a victim (I guess), or with somebody else she met down there. And she never came home.

2. The extremely smart guy went to a big internet dating site, and met a slim, well-built, apparently rich doctor. Just exactly the kind of woman he wanted, just exactly the kind I told him he never would find.

What is the moral of this story? Heck if I know! But please be aware that older Americans do not understand you people in your mid-thirties (Are you Gen-X, or what?). Even doltish, ugly older Americans always have had girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, second spouses, kids, and so on.

Has AIDS scared you? Herpes? Your parents' divorces?

Forget about it, whatever it is. Love the one you're with, for practice, and then zero in. I know a guy: smart, strong, and a near saint. Shall I introduce you?

At least, that has been my experience as a male who likes -- as the LW seems to -- meeting people in public, in broad daylight as much as the night. And seeing if there is anything in common and where it might go.

And those signals are typically general, not directed at any one individual or even males rather than females. They just seem to indicate to the world "go ahead and say hi, I won't bite your head off."

Not easy to say what those signals are, because it's not flirtation per se. But it's possible the LW is either not doing that, or somehow -- even without meaning to -- doing the opposite.

When I was 27, I was terrified to assert myself with the mostly male clients I needed to win over as a young, ambitious graphic design professional. So, I took an acting class for business people. We did all sorts of crazy stuff and I learned how to appear confident even if I wasn't. Eventually, I became genuinally confident, and, to this day, find it easy to charm virtually anyone I wish to. Because, I FOCUS ON THEM with complete ease and humor. I ask lots of questions too, which is the number one way to disarm and attract.

Cary is right about being proactive, but as a formerly terrified and inhibited person, I can assure you, without that acting class, confidence would have been much longer in coming!

Go for the online dating. Everybody does it now. And once you've gone through a few meetups with guys you found online, meeting and asking out men in other places will become easier as you get more used to the whole dating thing. You'll get bolder with practice and starting out online eases you in.

Ugh! It's going to drive me INSANE. Stop with the misspelling! It's every site, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

"Lose" NOT "loose".

This is a very important message sponsored by an annoyed, anonymous cyber-surfer.

I think it's b/c older americans courted in a time where you basically HAD to get married, hence, they did so. Now, men know they don't need marriage to get sex or social acceptance, so they keep their distance, play the field, and don't commit. Not all men, but a LOT of them.

I swear

I SWEAR that Cary answered a letter with the exact same lw (30, black female) with the exact same problem (is attractive, can't get a date) a couple years ago. I don't know how to find it, but I'm almost POSITIVE we've seen this exact same letter before. anyone else remember?

I had the same reaction.