Letters to the Editor
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want to look beautiful at your wedding?
Dear LW,
If you want everybody to think you are the best bride they ever saw; if you want people to have a great time and say this was the best wedding they ever went to; if you want your husband to have the best day of his life:
Then be laughing, loving, happy, welcoming and giving to EVERYONE all day long, including babies and in-laws.
Years ago, at my first wedding, I made a mistake similar to the one you are contemplating, and I wish I hadn't done that. I came to love my in-laws so very much--they have been there for me in so many ways I could never have anticipated when I was younger. I should have thought more about them at what I so foolishly thought was MY wedding. If there is any way to make up for this mistake, it would be to persuade you and other prospective brides to think much more about the comfort and happiness of your guests. As you will come to appreciate in the fullness of time, you cannot do that better than welcoming their children to important family occasions.
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Try to forget the vast female conspiracy for about 5 seconds, okay?
No one has said that women may talk about their sex lives with whomever they please but it's wrong if men do. What people find outrageous is that your sibling's spouse discussed it with you and you discussed it with your parent. As another poster said, the invasion of privacy and lack of discretion and boundaries are the issue, not gender. If your sister-in-law had had such a discussion with your sister and she mentioned it to your father, or to your mother, or to you, everyone would find that just as tasteless, believe me.
I love my sister-in-law dearly, but I can't imagine her ever talking about her and my brother's sex life. And if she tried to, I would tell her I didn't want to hear it--the man in question is my brother, and that's something I shouldn't know, nor do I want to know.
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we are not what we are raised to be
I am appalled at Cary's response to this letter. He writes an advice column for salon! Whatever his upbringing was or who he feels he is, he is still a writer for salon, and comparing himself to a 20 year old pregnant "white trash" woman doesn't cut it. That's not even advice. I too grew up in a family that some may consider white trash or redneck. I am the youngest of six kids raised in the same house, but with different biological parents, we have experienced about every after school special topic, and we all wonder how we all made it out alive. I was the first person in my family to go to college and I am now about to receive my master's degree. No matter my upbringing or past, that's ancient history. I am not about to join the ranks of other educated white people who feel like they deserve some special award for for not having the perfect childhood, adolescence, or young adulthood. Nobody does. The only thing that matters is who we are today and who we decided to be. My sister decided to clean houses for a living in order to spend more time with her daughter. My mom constantly reminds me that she is equally proud of both of our accompishments, as she should be. But my education and experience has opened doors and possibilities for me that my sister does not have. Thus I feel that I can no longer present myself as working class. To put it simply, the Dean of my program is first generation Mexican-American, and he grew up in South Central L.A. He has his Ph.D., and his primary focus is to research and design affordable housing. He often frets over the disconnect he now feels towards his old neighborhood, explaining that he could better design for a population he was a part of. The truth is, Cary, that you are now a middle class writer for a trendy website. That's not any better or worse than whatever your "white trash" upbring was. It is what it is, and it's what you chose. My point is, that it's unfair to the person you are now to base your identity on who you used to be, and especially to guilt your readers into feeling sorry for you. If you were truly "white trash" you wouldn't feel sorry for that population, you would accept their choice to be who they chose to be.
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Jealous?
I've read letter over and over, and I can't seem to find where the LW is jealous. I see where she's not happy about the choices of her future relatives, and possibly that she's going to be feel embarrassed about being related to them.
Personally I think it's obnoxious and shows a real lack of class for someone to know that children aren't invited to a wedding and decide to bring a child anyways.
My sister got married recently. I've always thought that my family is a little odd, but they're nothing compared to her new in-laws. Straight off of Jerry Springer, seriously. Honestly, it was kinda embarrassing trying to introduce them to our family, but the situation has provided endless amusement for my mother and me at family functions.
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Join the club
If you want a wedding for yourself, elope. Otherwise, weddings have very little to do with the bride and groom...
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In Defense of a Certain Kind of Snobbery
I am aghast at Mr. Tennis' advice. In the hopes that "Baffled Bride-to-Be" will search for a more satisfying response, I offer my own perspective below.
Dear Baffled,
First of all, good for you for waiting. Few decisions in life, if any, have more impact on our long-term well being than who we choose to marry. Love alone does not a strong marriage make, and it takes a long time to understand the character of any relationship. Your caution and consideration will bring you much added joy on your wedding day. Congratulations to both of you.
You are in a genuine predicament with regards to your future in-laws (not an uncommon experience, of course). It's a shame that they announced their wedding during your engagement. Although I don't believe in Rules, such a circumstance should be avoided. Perhaps the pregnancy was an accident. We can give your in-laws some leeway because of this. Nonetheless, their own wedding should be planned with sensitivity to yours.
Alas! You can't get water from a stone. You want your in-laws to give you something they don't have: maturity. C'est la vie. You must accept this. I advise you to share your feelings with your future sister-in-law anyway, and perhaps her fiance as well. If spoken to sincerely and kindly, she may see the error of her ways. Even if she reacts poorly to criticism, you should speak your mind for two reasons: 1) you deserve a self-defense (everyone does); it will make you feel better, and 2) she may come around eventually; you should at least give her the chance to do so.
A talk may lead nowhere, but you have every right to determine your own guest list. Tell your future in-laws that they are welcome at your wedding, but their infant is not; and that, furthermore, if they attempt to bring their child, all three will be unwelcome. Stand firm on this. It's your wedding. It's perfectly reasonable of you to keep babies out. I imagine, from your letter, this will cause a small stir. Again, c'est la vie. Be proud of yourself and your convictions. Believe in your own decency. You are not being a diva.
Finally, let me respond to Mr. Tennis' missive directly. The bestowing of "trashy" people with a kind of respectable, "outsider" status... my God, I don't know where to begin. Ever since Marcel Duchamp created his Fountain (by signing a urinal), the lowest of low culture has been welcome to the highest of considerations. This is a wonderful, revolutionary thing. Nothing should be excluded from our highest considerations. It is worth thinking carefully about everything, and everyone.
A snob will scoff at a trashy painting and a trashy person alike; a true gentleman knows better. But "trashy" people - those whom we judge to be immature, hurtful, upsetting and disruptive - do not necessarily deserve our acceptance and invitation, as Mr. Tennis asserts.
In order to be good people, we must be responsible for our behavior. In order to be responsible for our behavior, our actions must have consequences. Time spent with family and friends is a privilege and not a right. Nobody should be allowed to get away with everything.
To offer our loved ones unconditional acceptance would be bad for them and bad for us. Life is too precious to spend our time quibbling with idiots or crying with jerks. We should help the downtrodden, and forgive all who trespass. We also, however, need to protect ourselves from those who muddy our lives with too much difficulty and heartache.
This sentence from Mr. Tennis is particularly troubling: "From the standpoint of those of us who may not live up to the standards of other more prosperous and well-behaved members of the family, that is great." Note how Mr. Tennis conflates prosperity with good behavior, as if manners were for the wealthy. If that's not confused (and I suspect that it is), it's utterly disingenuous. In any case, coming from a professional advice columnist, it's appalling.
Mr. Tennis sounds like a man who doesn't like consequences. My guess is, your sister-in-law is the same. But give her consequences, and give her time. At least she's 20 years old.
Good luck,
A Fellow