Letters to the Editor
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I hope you are lambasted here, LW.
You, Ms. Bride-to-be, are an egotistical, judgmental, condescending snob. I can't even figure out exactly what your problem is, and how your wedding is going to be screwed up in any way at all by your best man bringing his soon-to-be 20 year old wife. Whether or not you allow babies and children at your wedding is of course the only control you may exercise in this situation. Why exactly do you feel like they are out to interfere with your wedding? Let me tell you something - you are not any better than anyone. In fact, given your obvious lack of compassion and empathy, you are, in my opinion, the lowest of the low in human society. Why don't you dump your fiance and find yourself a rich, soul-less, white-collar, whitebread, polo-playing family to marry into; you'd be doing him a favor.
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Nobody enjoys weddings?
I've got to disagree with the people who wrote in to say that no one likes/cares about weddings. I love going to them--a night out, decent (if not good) food, dancing, often free drinks, watching two people unite into a family. What's not to like?
And I actually had a similar experience--my brother decided to get married 2 months before I did, across the country from me and the rest of our family. So I had to fork out a ton of money to fly and stay in a hotel 8 weeks before my own big shindig. I was annoyed at the time, but didn't say anything because their date was already set and there was nothing that could be done. I probably should've been an adult and just expressed my feelings (not trying to pick a fight, just getting them out there), but I didn't, and it worked out fine. I had a great time at both our weddings.
So choose your battles. If you don't want kids there, tell them and be firm. But try not to get upset about every little thing. Believe me, after your wedding, very little of these kinds of details will still bother you. Focus on how lucky you are to have found a good, caring partner. Congratulations!
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re: "the wedding itself (with the understanding that it won't go EXACTLY as planned but will be amazing, romantic, memorable, etc.) is a party.
ACTUALLY< NO.
The wedding is a religious and/or civil ceremony and legal act.
The reception is a reception (which may or may not be a "party", depending on your style).
But please, please, please do not confuse the WEDDING with a PARTY. It is NO such thing.
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There is One Thing That You Get to Control Here. One
and that's whether or not the baby comes to your wedding. You don't get to control the sexual behavior of others, nor whether they unwisely bring children into the world. You don't get to control whether other people get married around the time that YOU do.
You don't even get to control whether your future inlaws are foolish enough to pay for a big wedding for their 38 year old teenage son.
But.
You DO get to control WITH YOUR FIANCE who comes to your wedding. So if you SIL to be announces that, of course, the baby will be coming to the wedding, you can sweetly let her know that you are SO sorry, but that children of all ages are not invited. If you want to be a really lovely SIL to be, you might get information ahead of time about babysitters near the wedding venue, so that she can leave to go nurse between the wedding and the reception if she chooses.
Myself? I love having kids at a wedding. But this IS your wedding. Not mine, not the 20 year old welfare mom wannabe.
So let go of perfect in favor of joyous, and let go of what other people do in favor of growing a loving and rewarding relationship even more loving and rewarding with your husband to be, and make it a wonderful day--that part really IS up to you. No one can ruin your wedding day without your permission.
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"and that's whether or not the baby comes to your wedding"
if you invited your BIL and wife to Thanksgiving, would you tell them they have to leave baby at home?
of course not.
For family events, when you invite the family, you have to accept the entire family, you don't get to cherrypick who you do and do not like. If you invite people, you can't tell them to leave unlike spouses or children at home.
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The trash speaks.
Dear LW,
You could have been my sister-in-law. When my sister-in-law married my brother she and her family made it pretty clear to my family that she thought of us as nothing but white trash. She could have had the perfect wedding except for the fact that her husband to be had family and friends. We were the ones who had to rise above; to put up with her snottiness, and her temper tantrums, snide asides, and general unpleasantness. The reason we did this was for my brother. We wanted him to be happy. We were happy for him.
I don't think she ever understood that to us the wedding was about family. It was not a fashion show, or a competition with anyone. We tried to welcome her into our family and make her one of us. To us, family means being accepted no matter how trashy or uncouth or oddball you are, and she, with all her own quirks, was going to become one of us. It was obvious to us that to her and her family the wedding meant something else entirely.
It astonishes me that AFTER everything you have gone through with this guy, you are still NOT married. You have set up the marriage ceremony as the Holy Grail of this relationship. Even if your so called "trashy" soon to be sister-in-law does NOT show up with her kid, you'll still find something to whine and complain about. No matter what, the reality of the wedding will differ from the idea of "perfection" in your head, and there is going to be something there to make you miserable.
If I were you, I'd shut up and be happy about this day - to be standing with your family, and soon to be family - declaring your love and devotion and commitment to one person, in front of god and the world. Hello. Those of us who are gay don't have that right.
I do feel sorry for your soon to be husband, and after that, ex-husband.