Letters to the Editor
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LW needs to grow up
There is no perfect wedding. There never will be. Weddings are not "the bride's perfect day". They are about family and bringing loved one's together. Your husband loves this man. Don't pick a petty fight. This would be a petty fight.
The 20 year old is marrying a man who 1. has a terrible track reacord as a father and 2. is not exactly responsible. If he bails on her kid the way he did his others kids, she will be in a world of trouble. She deserves sympathy and pity, not this competitive attitude.
Be the bigger one. You won't regret it. You will laugh about this later. Trust me.
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It's not all about you, honey.
I had to deal with my husband's abusive parents at my wedding. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of sympathy. You do sound a bit like Bridezilla-- why on earth do you have any reason to be jealous of your fiance's screwup brother and his too-young knocked-up girlfriend? You've put too many of your hopes and dreams into this wedding-- you've been engaged so long all your mental eggs are in the 'perfect wedding' basket.
The wedding is nothing. It's the marriage that matters, and it sounds like you've got the right guy. Relax, step back, and plan the perfect honeymoon-- something would go wrong with the wedding, be it bad food, crazy in-laws, or terrible weather. It's just one day in what should be a lifetime of days together.
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stand up for yourself
If you are not inviting kids, clearly inform your fiancé's brother and girlfriend that you regret that your wedding will not be able to accommodate children and you hope that they will be able to make arrangements for someone to look after their child so they can both attend.
How you deal with these kinds of issues with wedding sets the tone for how you and your future husband will deal with his family as a married couple. Being firm now will pay dividends later. Family members often use these kinds of wedding issues to test your boundaries as a married couple.
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Tell her now!
Tell her that you want to be nice and supportive but that you are not inviting children to the wedding, if this means that she can't attend because of childcare issues you are very sorry.
Be firm.
Chances are she won't be in your life for long, given the past of both sides of this couple.
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Say "NO" to Newborns at Weddings
I don't think we're asking too much when we expect our friends and family to leave their baggage at the door when they come to one of the most important events of our entire lives. In the LW's case, the primary baggage I would be concerned about is the baby at the wedding. JUST SAY NO. Newborn babies do not belong at weddings. Ever. LW would have the support of every etiquette guru in America if she has her fiance tell his brother that there are no children invited to the wedding, sorry, no exceptions, and that they understand if the new sister-in-law can't make it.
LW can't control who her brother-in-law marries, or when, but she can control who is invited to her wedding. It is absolutely not selfish to expect the baby to stay home. Be polite, and be sympathetic, but be firm.
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Typical woman
Attention, letter writer. YOU ARE NOT A PRINCESS. Your wedding is meaningless to almost everyone except you. Most people would rather stay home and watch TV that night. Don't waste your money, or your future husband's money, on such an affair. Go to the courthouse and make it official, and save your money. And stop trying to live a fairy tale. There's no such thing.
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Listen to 1hark1
You can't disallow your brother-in-law and his girlfriend, but a child ban is reasonable. I know, family blah blah blah. Kids have no place at the ceremony (where they'll likely be disruptive) or reception (where they'll likely be bored).
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These are the people you are going to be living the rest of your life with.
Unless there's more about the sister-in-law than you're telling, I think it's in your best interest, as well as everyone involved, to have her at your wedding. As well as, more importantly, her husband, soon to be your brother-in-law.
Family isn't perfect. It's family. Your wedding will be something that not only you will remember. Not inviting your husband's brother's fiance will at best split your husband's family, and at worst unite them against you.
Perhaps this occurs to you as a lack of control for you; you didn't want children at your wedding, and it seems you don't want her either.
But you can also, if you choose, have this be a triumph for you - you can and will lovingly and totally be fine with everything about your husband's family.
Because you can't change them. The most you can do is be a shining example of loving, planning, graciousness, and fortitude - in a word, true class.
So, as Cary said, IMHO very graciously and truly - be big. Be huge-hearted and have her there, as much as she may grate on you. I say your heart is big enough, you can do it. :)
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Beautiful person
Why do we have a wedding? It's supposed to be a gathering of friends and, especially, family, to witness a couple making their marriage vows and shower them with love and gifts for starting out their new life together, which may even provide new little people to carry on the family. The bride gets to wear a pretty dress, but the wedding isn't about her. It's about the marriage, and the continuation of two families with the creation of a new family. And families are about human beings, with all our frailties and weaknesses and strengths and shared love and petty disagreements.
I've never understood why people don't allow children at weddings unless it's to make the wedding a showcase or spectacle rather than a family gathering and celebration.
Cary is precisely right about this. And just as Cary had a hard past that he transcended, your fragile new sister-in-law appears to be facing a hard time that she will have difficulty transcending. Without love and family, she'll have an even harder time.
In the long run, as you and your family and friends reminisce about your wedding, you'll be far happier if you're remembered as a beautiful person rather than a beautiful spectacle. So try to be one.