It appears that I'm the enemy, being a male eHarmony subscriber, and having "Poor Hygiene...I can't stand someone who is not clean" in my list of "Can't Stands." Honestly, I think you're reading too much into it. I spent all of 30 seconds selecting my "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" from the list of generic choices that eHarmony provides. It's not as if we all had cleanliness on our minds; I came across that sentence during step 207 of their grueling registration process, and clicked it on a whim. I saw the word "hygiene", and thought to myself, "yeah, yeah, hygiene is good. I'd probably not want to be around anyone, male or female, who never brushed his/her teeth." And that is all the thought I put into it. Gender politics, promiscuity, etc. were not even considerations.

I think this is the least revealing step of the eHarmony matching process, and I have never made any decisions based on a woman's "Can't Stands" section. I confess to sometimes not reading them at all, and skipping to the next phase.

- Andy

clean = shaved

It is interesting that LW is using a personals service that is basically marketed to uptight, clenched cheeks sort of people, and is then put off that they are uptight about something almost all of us do care about a lot. Does LW want to be intimate with someone who doesn't brush their teeth daily, has dirt caked under their fingernails, or is otherwise inattentive to taking care of themselves? You know, not a guy with a natural musky scent, but one who smells like he rubbed a skunk under his arms. Well guess what, few men are interested in a woman with poor hygiene. We've all known people with questionable hygiene of both sexes, and if I'm imagining something I wouldn't want to live with for years, someone whose kisses tasted like sour milk would come to mind if 'not clean' is on a list of issues.

Perhaps there are bigger flaws/issues the guys could have chosen; was there a choice for "I can't stand someone who is rash, judgmental, and perhaps paranoid?" It really seems to say more about the LW's perceptions and reactions than the men who made the dreaded selection. Cary drifted into silliness again with the things about a smudge or twigs. Still, if LW really wanted to know why men choose the option she could decide to follow through and meet one she otherwise seems compatible with, and then have an actual conversation about the topic. Not only might she learn why a man might choose the option, she might actually meet a man she likes in the process. It does seem easier though to reject strangers out-of-hand because you imagine they think that you or all women have stanky crotches.

Perhaps no one has suggested that a Salon reader might find a more like-minded match in Salon's own personals because they don't want to inflict LW on those poor men.

Keeping in mind that eHarmony skews pretty heavily conservative/Christian (or does it? maybe I'm wrong, but even so), I'm thinking that "not clean" might be being interpreted several different ways.

Some guys may mean showered. But some may be referring to general housekeeping (i.e., I don't want to live with a slob). Some may mean "clean" as in drug-free, or STD-free, or oral sex-free, or just plain squeakily clean-living.

"Clean" to committed Christians also can mean adhering closely to the values of Christianity -- straight-arrow honesty, following Jesus' ways, etc.

So the more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm thinking eHarmony needs to re-tool this part of the questionnaire. And I'm also thinking that if any of these guys strike you as otherwise interesting, it could be worth you contacting them just to ask what they mean by clean. Maybe.

I am cracking up about the letter that suggest oral sex only happens after people take a shower and then use (or maybe before) mouthwash. ha ha ha ha

While it is true that eHarmony is frequented by social conservatives and closet cases, both of whom may be averse to going down on a woman, I still think you are reading too much into this.

Most people who put up internet personal ads say the most banal, unhelpful things. For example: "I'm fun and smart, and looking for someone interesting who likes to laugh. Please no mind games." Yeah, you and the rest of humanity. Who in the world is going to look at that and think, "You know, I'm really a boring person, and I hate to laugh ever. Besides, I'm a manipulative asshole, and I want to play mind games, so perhaps this is not the person for me."

I think the "clean" option is right up there with "interesting" and "no mind games." Of course everyone wants that (except for the sweat/dirt fetishists, and they're probably banned from eHarmony anyway. Citing only those things and nothing more is a sign of a boring, one-dimensional person.

If you're looking for someone more articulate, and independent minded, ignore the ads with nothing except a standard, uninformative list of wants (clean, fun, interesting). Better yet, try a different dating site.

most people who are dating look specifically at what a person offers them, rather than what type of human being the person is. understandable, of course. there are some people who prefer men or women who "can't stand" materialism, racism, cheating, mean-spiritedness...all the things on that list of 50 you could choose...well before you are forced to select "I can't stand someone who is not clean." eharmony is made up of the same single people on match.com. i'm on both, and it's the same faces. the guy who requires his women to take a shower before oral sex is the kind of guy who probably selects "i can't stand someone who is not clean." based on that, the lw is using a reasonable filter.

I wish I had so many applicants that I could summarily dismiss potential mates based on ridiculous assumptions. It's quite hard to be a guy on these sites, there's no telling what you'll get rejected for; I suspect it's mostly exactly this sort of whimsical nonsense women use to pare down an otherwise overwhelming list of suitors.