While it is true that eHarmony is frequented by social conservatives and closet cases, both of whom may be averse to going down on a woman, I still think you are reading too much into this.

Most people who put up internet personal ads say the most banal, unhelpful things. For example: "I'm fun and smart, and looking for someone interesting who likes to laugh. Please no mind games." Yeah, you and the rest of humanity. Who in the world is going to look at that and think, "You know, I'm really a boring person, and I hate to laugh ever. Besides, I'm a manipulative asshole, and I want to play mind games, so perhaps this is not the person for me."

I think the "clean" option is right up there with "interesting" and "no mind games." Of course everyone wants that (except for the sweat/dirt fetishists, and they're probably banned from eHarmony anyway. Citing only those things and nothing more is a sign of a boring, one-dimensional person.

If you're looking for someone more articulate, and independent minded, ignore the ads with nothing except a standard, uninformative list of wants (clean, fun, interesting). Better yet, try a different dating site.

I am cracking up about the letter that suggest oral sex only happens after people take a shower and then use (or maybe before) mouthwash. ha ha ha ha

Keeping in mind that eHarmony skews pretty heavily conservative/Christian (or does it? maybe I'm wrong, but even so), I'm thinking that "not clean" might be being interpreted several different ways.

Some guys may mean showered. But some may be referring to general housekeeping (i.e., I don't want to live with a slob). Some may mean "clean" as in drug-free, or STD-free, or oral sex-free, or just plain squeakily clean-living.

"Clean" to committed Christians also can mean adhering closely to the values of Christianity -- straight-arrow honesty, following Jesus' ways, etc.

So the more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm thinking eHarmony needs to re-tool this part of the questionnaire. And I'm also thinking that if any of these guys strike you as otherwise interesting, it could be worth you contacting them just to ask what they mean by clean. Maybe.

It is interesting that LW is using a personals service that is basically marketed to uptight, clenched cheeks sort of people, and is then put off that they are uptight about something almost all of us do care about a lot. Does LW want to be intimate with someone who doesn't brush their teeth daily, has dirt caked under their fingernails, or is otherwise inattentive to taking care of themselves? You know, not a guy with a natural musky scent, but one who smells like he rubbed a skunk under his arms. Well guess what, few men are interested in a woman with poor hygiene. We've all known people with questionable hygiene of both sexes, and if I'm imagining something I wouldn't want to live with for years, someone whose kisses tasted like sour milk would come to mind if 'not clean' is on a list of issues.

Perhaps there are bigger flaws/issues the guys could have chosen; was there a choice for "I can't stand someone who is rash, judgmental, and perhaps paranoid?" It really seems to say more about the LW's perceptions and reactions than the men who made the dreaded selection. Cary drifted into silliness again with the things about a smudge or twigs. Still, if LW really wanted to know why men choose the option she could decide to follow through and meet one she otherwise seems compatible with, and then have an actual conversation about the topic. Not only might she learn why a man might choose the option, she might actually meet a man she likes in the process. It does seem easier though to reject strangers out-of-hand because you imagine they think that you or all women have stanky crotches.

Perhaps no one has suggested that a Salon reader might find a more like-minded match in Salon's own personals because they don't want to inflict LW on those poor men.

clean = shaved

It appears that I'm the enemy, being a male eHarmony subscriber, and having "Poor Hygiene...I can't stand someone who is not clean" in my list of "Can't Stands." Honestly, I think you're reading too much into it. I spent all of 30 seconds selecting my "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" from the list of generic choices that eHarmony provides. It's not as if we all had cleanliness on our minds; I came across that sentence during step 207 of their grueling registration process, and clicked it on a whim. I saw the word "hygiene", and thought to myself, "yeah, yeah, hygiene is good. I'd probably not want to be around anyone, male or female, who never brushed his/her teeth." And that is all the thought I put into it. Gender politics, promiscuity, etc. were not even considerations.

I think this is the least revealing step of the eHarmony matching process, and I have never made any decisions based on a woman's "Can't Stands" section. I confess to sometimes not reading them at all, and skipping to the next phase.

- Andy

I was on eHarmony for a few months. At the time, I had no idea of the evangelical connection or the other stuff, positive and negative, that eHarmony has been connected with. I can tell you that 80% of the time whatever "can't stands" I or she chose didn't play too much into who I eventually dated on the site, and I never connected the "clean" thing with oral sex. Nor, I think, would many of my friends have made that link. Never crossed my mind, ever, and several of us have been accused of having, er, adventurous minds.

I would invite the author to examine why she made that connection- it's not my (or anyone's) place to tell her she's wrong, and she may have damn good reason to make the connection that she does. But can she, should she automatically assume that the men she's looking at make that same link? Is that useful to her or her prospective others? If oral sex (or any other practice) is a deal-breaker for her, is this pool of men the best place to look for a sexually open minded guy? Not judging, just asking.

(I'd note too, that said, that I didn't think, as some of the other letter writers do, that the origins of the site skewed the pool towards conservatives, or evangelicals, or anything else. I met women who were church ladies and yoga teachers, bohemians and prudes alike. But maybe that's because I live in a big city in a blue state.)