Letters to the Editor
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Being poor is so great
All of you people who think that being poor is so great and teaches you so much that rich people can never know, I have to say, I think I've been taught enough and would like to go now.
I would love it if I met some girl I really liked and said, hey, let's get married, and then she turns out to be rich. I would feel like the luckiest guy alive. But it doesn't sound like anyone here is going to do that.
So let's make a deal. Everyone who thinks this is so great, send me all of your money, I accept PayPal, and in exchange you get to be even wiser and more virtuous than you are.
Or if you'd rather not, then here's my other offer: shut the fuck up. Christ almighty.
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Undeserving?
This type of problem is happening to my husband and myself. My husband grew up in an upper middle class environment. Not wealthy, but well off, connected, and from a politically well known and well respected family.
I grew up as one of four children raised by a single mentally ill mother who was poor, sick, and abusive.
When I met my husband, he had a good job as a VP at a good company. I was an entrepreneur who worked day and night, with a fear of poverty that drove me.
My husband never expected me to get RICH. I always expected it.
Now, it is happening.
We are finding out weird things about ourselves. I don't want to live in a mansion. That type of home is too much for our friends and family to find comfort in. I don't want to buy expensive things, I shop at Target. I love making the money. I love to give it away. It doesn't mean a lot to me, the fear of poverty drove me, and since I know how to make money now, I know I can always make more. My husband is afraid of the money. The more we make, the poorer he feels. There is never enough for him. He needs it in the bank, accumulating, and there will never be enough. He will never be wealthy, no matter how much we have.
If LW doesn't like the money, marry the chap, and give it away. Do good things with it. Have fun. Money can be wonderful if you use it wisely and think of it as a renewable resource.
Oh, and get counseling to figure it out. I was poor too. I'm going to give my neices college money for christmas. That will be a BLAST!
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today's little narrative
What a problem! Wasn't sure if it was real, or some anonymous person thumbing her nose at the world for landing such a catch. Read all the letters- who knew how many people had found partners monetarily richer than themselves? To add my one cent, I am middle class, more or less- the only child of a lawyer and a housewife, I didn't have to pay for college, go straight to work, or do much at all for that matter. Now I am married to a man who takes care of his sick, aging mother. We pay for her hospital bills, her trips to come visit us. Do I mind this? Absolutely not. Has it caused problems when I have reached into my (rather small actually) family purse to pay for things my occasional adjunct teaching didn't cover, like vacations and nice dinners and shoes? Yes, it has. I don't have much money, but I will inherit property, and I won't be financially responsible for my aging parents. I have had my share of angry rants from my husband, who did not grow up poor, but comes from a country and background which offers absolutely no safety net. I would rather have married someone with more money than I, yes indeed. Oh well.
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get over it
Been away and wanted to sound off:
Money is a commodity a lot of people have issues with. You struggled because you didn't have it and that is your story. You need to make peace with that and it is your responsibility. I have some experience with this too and feel for you.
I am surprised that you became engaged to a person who gave no indications that he came from wealth. How could you miss it unless he is not himself around you? Also, the parents have money (at least on the surface), but you can never really tell. This story may need to be fleshed out, and there are many q's... but in brief, you need to get over this. It's a good thing, unless he is a mess over it or extremely cheap.
His story will be different from your story. In Cary's response, there are ways to discuss this and that can be your starting point. Good luck.
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That's a problem, yeah
I say, GET OVER YOURSELF. You aren't 'special' because of your tawdry upbringing, you aren't better, more virtuous, more whatever. If you marry this man and he gets millions, the two of you could unload a lot of that money to a lot of deserving charities if the idea of being rich stinks so much.
Geez, this sounds like an old screwball comedy from the 30's where the penniless showgirl discovers her fiancee is a super-rich swell who lives in a penthouse.
I skipped over the typical gasbag ramblings of Cary Tennis as usual, I don't have the time or patience to sift out his sage advice. But I love his column because it gives all us EXPERTS out here a chance to put our 2 cents in.
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Hasn't anyone here dated a poor person with an enormous sense of entitlement?
This is not all that related to the topic (I am uncomfortable around those who came from wealth and I've made my peace with that fact. I've made my own way and am most comfortable around tree huggers and educated but poor liberals such as social workers...some of my liberal friends have expensive tastes but they are different from the pseudo-liberals where I work, who are really upper middles but grew up with a safety net in the form of families that would bail them out. The real difference to me is whether a person grew up with the knowledge their family would give them a footing and/or bail them out or if they always felt they really could and would fall through the cracks.) Now where was I.
I dated this one guy who had all the right liberal credentials and initially he healed some things for me that had to do with abuse in my background. He was educated and smart (such guys really do exist!) and at the time I met him he had a worthwhile job as a drug and alcohol counselor. He had a master's in neurology and hoped to go on for his Ph.D. He came from an even poorer background than I had.
About a year into the relationship he changed. First, his arrogance (which I had taken in stride because the liberals at work are all like that, haha) anyway he had kind of an attitude and let it show on his job...for instance things like correcting other people's grammar and talking about how he was going to set this place straight etc. A lot of people do that but he got forced out at his job. I could tell it was because he rubbed people the wrong way. I didn't say anything because you don't kick a guy when he's down (I planned to try to introduce the topic later in the form of "I have to put up with stupid people on my job; everyone has to") Well, he lost his next job too, for the same reasons. He went slowly downhill, losing jobs and getting more entitled. I gather this is a well-known phenomenon when some people lose their jobs. If I lost mine I'd grovel and sweep up the streets to get started back on the way up, but instead he got more entitled the more downhill he went. It turned out that when I met him, that was kind of the high point of his life, with a new master's degree and his first job that used the degree. He eventually returned to a series of jobs as a short-order cook, from which he got fired, probably for getting into authority conflicts. Last I heard he had slipped on a wet floor and was holding out for an insurance settlement, complaining that they were jerking him around. I admit I suspect he faked the fall. He was homeless off and on during the last few years.
Well, that's a little anecdote about how some people can grow up poor and have a huge sense of entitlement. What puzzles me is it seems like these people always find a way to get money, more money than me! I'm jealous of them! kidding. I think.