Letters to the Editor
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You don't know if he is rich
I agree with the other people who have mentioned, just because he comes from a family with wealth, there is no guarantee that your fiance is rich. Maybe the money will not be inherited by your fiance. Maybe it won't be his for another 30 or 40 years and in the mean time he has the money he makes at his job to live on.
I also find it very strange that you become engaged to someone and know so little about the way he grew up or the lifestyle that his family has. It doesn't sound like the two of you communicate in really meaningful ways for all of this to have been left unsaid.
If your fiance is indeed wealthy, I think the two of you should talk about it and how it will affect your life. I don't think all wealthy people are materialistic and without compassion for people who have lived lives that were different than theirs.
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Here's a thought: don't get married . . . just yet.
Dear Resentful:
You obviously don't know this man if you had no idea about his background. Why marry? Wait. Get to know each other a little. Wait and see if those money issues are ugly. They will certainly be a painful reality if you plan on having a big wedding. Money will definitely be an issue there.
I know what it is to feel what you're feeling. I didn't grow up as poor, but in low economic class where neither parent went to high school and they always struggled to get by and could never buy a house and sometimes couldn't afford the rent and so we moved and moved and moved . . . like you I fought hard to go to a good school, get a good job and build a secure future for myself so that I wouldn't have to worry about having a roof over my head.
The intricacies of your experiences growing up poor will never be entirely understood by your fiancé. There are a multitude of things that correspond to being poor. For example, during college I really would have loved to do a semester abroad, or, not worry about going to work in addition to my heavy course load (thank god for work study programs, now probably gone due to Bush and Co) or not have to start work the day after I graduated, but instead, take a break like so many of my friends were . . . friends that just didn't get why I had to go right to work- it didn't even enter their minds that I had to work because I would be homeless without the paycheck!
I remember the resentment I felt when my boyfriend, now husband, didn't have to work through college, didn't have to pay student loans after graduation and how he received big checks from his folks at Christmas, birthdays, etc. I've wondered countless times how it must feel not to worry how I'm going to care for my aging parents that have no home to call their own, no assets, no savings and no health insurance. I've always known that part of the reason I needed to work hard is to take care of them.
Oi . . . I digress here, but I'll say it again: wait a little while. It doesn't mean it won't work out, but you need to feel this out first before making the commitment of a lifetime!
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It is a Cardinal Sin. Repent.
Thou shalt not covet thy boyfriend's family's shekls. It is that simple. 100% your bad. Get over it immediately, or leave the poor rich kid alone.
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Rich vs. Poor
Mr. Tennis...your heart shines pure. Your advice and your insight are flawless. Why don't more people have someone like you to discuss their pockets of pain that resides inside instead of having that pain devour everything that is good and kind in an individual? If only...
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The Roller Coaster Ride of Money
Am awful lot of letters here urge you to "get over it" because this man sounds like such a great catch. I can't help but think that they are projecting, like we all do with people about whom we know very little.
The beginning sweetness of a connection is exactly that - a beginning. There is a world of difference between enjoying companionship with a new person, and later dealing with the ups and downs that inevitably challenge any relationship.
My advice is to spend more time with this man before making a lifelong commitment. Live together. Observe your spending habits together. Your values. Not just for a few months of "playing house." But over a few years...long enough for the headiness of infatuation to wear off so you have a chance to see how you both respond when difficulties come up.
I say this because attitudes and behaviors about money, which come from our upbringing, are very deep and they have the power to trigger some big buttons especially when we come from different realities.
My husband handles money very differently than I do. He is very generous and spends money freely and is unconcerned about getting into debt as long as he can enjoy life the way he wants to. I, on the other hand, am very cautious and don't feel comfortable unless we are able to put money away for the inevitable emergencies that arise. Or as one friend of mine put it, security for her is a credit card with a $10,000 limit, whereas for her husband security is $10,000 in a savings account. So we have a push/pull dynamic that happens.
We have found a way to manage our finances where we're able to meet both our needs, but that only came after years of working together and quite a few sleepless nights and tearful conversations. And as much as we have made agreements and have protocols, things still come up that shake us up and we have to sit down and have yet another long talk.
Things are already coming up for you and you are just in the beginning stages. There is no reason for you to make a decision whether this is or isn't the right person to spend your life with. Fortunately, you now know enough about each other to see where some potential conflicts can arise. That is normal. Give yourselves some time to see how well you are able to communicate around this.
And as for people who express shock that the couple is engaged and the LW just found out about his wealthy family--she is wanting to marry him, not necessarily his family. Also, the assumption that the family's money will someday be theirs is only that - an assumption. Depending on how close he is or isn't with his family, it may not have felt pertinent to him to share that history early on, especially when he sees that his past is quite different from hers. He did introduce her before the wedding. That doesn't always happen, especially when people live far away from their families. There are all different ways to do relationships. The important thing is to find a way that works.