Letters to the Editor
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Helpful Author
I often volunteer with children who come from economically deprived backgrounds. The work of Ruby K. Payne has been very helpful in bridging the gaps and ensuring that we are consistent and understanding regarding cultural differences. Dr. Payne is an educator and her books often deal with the hidden languages of class in schools and churches, but she has also written a book about marriage across economic classes. The title is "Crossing the Tracks for Love: What to do When You and Your Parner Grew up in Different Worlds." The ISBN number is 1-929229-33-X. I highly recommend Ms. Payne as an author and would assume this book is as useful as her others.
I am certain that with a great deal of sensitivity to one another and a willingness to listen and learn, you can rise above this obstacle.
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a couple observations
Cary and the responders make good points.
Perhaps the reason LW didn't know her fiance was from a rich family was that he kept it from her. Perhaps he wanted to know how she felt about him for himself, not his money. Many wealthy people worry that others only want their money or only like them for their money. They often can't tell the difference. But if her fiance developed the relationship in a sort of financial vacuum, he could feel more confident that LW wanted only him and not the money. Her fiance was probably shocked by her reaction. I'm sure he thought she'd see it as good news and be even happier with the relationship. So he must wonder why the new attitude.
Pehaps a simple explanation: Notwithstanding all the talk about unshared poverty and other hardships, this reaction usually stems from simple envy, an unpleasant, painful emotion generated and cultivated in our consumer society. One usually hates oneself for succumbing to this (as does LW), and may give other, more admirable reasons, for those feelings. I'm not certain there's an easy solution. Rather than a discussion about disparate life experiences, how about just telling her fiance that she was jealous of his money, and asking for his help getting rid of those feelings.
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Addition
I'm the anonymouse who suggested that he might be slumming or that his behavior might be a lie. I'd like to add that along with growing up around money, I also dated money.
One guy was a wee-wee of the first order. Dumped him after a few months. No regrets.
The other was wonderful. Again, he made no great show of his family's money, but he made no effort to pretend they didn't have it. Both he and his parents were full of strange frugalities as well as outrageous (to me, anyway) expenditures, but at the core, they were good people. We broke up amicably over issues that had nothing to do with money, and sent each other good wishes for our respective weddings. He's a good man.
I was friends in college with another rich guy who was also a good man. He, too, simply was who he was, and made no pretensions about it either way.
So I don't have a problem with money per se. I have a problem with liars, and lying with your behavior is just as bad as lying with your mouth. If the fiance concealed his background until after he got the ring on her finger, he lied.
Why does anyone lie? Because they think they're entitled to something they don't believe they can get by telling the truth.
So what does this man get by lying? And can anyone give me a reason why he should get it?
I think she has good reason to be angry, and I see no reason why she should suck anything up in order to marry a liar just because he's rich and can do a decent imitation of a poor person. It doesn't mean he's down-to-earth. It suggests, on the contrary, a profound discomfort with something about himself which could destroy a marriage just as effectively as any chip the LW might have on her shoulder.
At the very least, I think she should postpone the wedding until she can find out what the heck is going on. There may be a harmless reason for his behavior, but she needs to be sure.
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Guess what, LW: You're privileged, too.
An anonymous poster pointed this out a few pages ago, and I'll repeat it: It's all relative. Did you grow up with constant health problems, LW, that kept you in pain and in and out of the hospital? Did you get beat up by your parents? Well, someone who had either of these experiences can look at what you say and be appalled at how ungrateful you are for your luck. And that's just in America, not even considering the privilege of not have to deal with such things as war and mass starvation. These stupid dichotomies that people are throwing around--he's privileged, she's not; she knows hardship and struggle, he doesn't; he's had it easy, she's had it hard; etc.--just make no sense in the real world.
It's great for you to be proud of what you've accomplished, LW, but a little humility would help you, too. You considering his economic background a flaw is no worse than him doing that to you, but apparently he's not the one doing it. You are. I'm glad to see that you recognize this, at least.
Also, here's something to consider: If you marry him and then things go bad and you get divorced, will you have any qualms about taking a big chunk of that money with you?
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A Very Real Issue
My aunt married very well and it has put her in another financial "class" than the rest of the family and she's (conveniently) forgotten what it is like for the rest of us to have to think about most purchases.
It has affected my mother's relationship with her younger sister. She cannot afford to do the things my aunt wants them to do together, and my mother cannot allow her to pay for everything because she doesn't want to feel like the poor relation. If there was a way to do so tactfully, I would say to my aunt, "pick things Mom can afford to do."
Maybe she would pick a more reasonable outing or restaurant, but I doubt it. She's enjoying living at the top of the food chain too much to adapt for anyone else's comfort level.