Letters to the Editor
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It's not his Money, but His and Your Attitudes About It.
So, just as an initial starter thought; the man may choose to continue to husband resources by driving a beater car and living modestly. Being wealthy does not necessarily mean flashing it.
LW, your BF's money and his family's money is NOT a commentary on the dysfunctional youth that you were afforded which, among other things, featured poverty as a key component. It is not a personal attack, nor is it a statement, in any way, of your inadequacy - or his.
When I connected with the woman I married, I discovered that when I spoke of childhood camping trips, she referenced ski trips in Zermatt. By the time I was 20, my parents' impecunious approach towards money management led me to live in everything from a 17-room villa with a staff of three in help to a two room flat with a potty at the end of the hall for all to share. My mother's inheritence was squandered on bad investments, booze, drugs and booze, and controlled substance drugs (she was a physician). They claimed poverty part way through my undergrad schooling, but backed off when I commented that the cost of maintaining the Mercedes must be getting to them.
My wife grew up on a small country "farm" with a meticulously restored two-hundred year old farmhouse, attended private day schools and skiied in Europe. Her father, I note, drove used Buicks.....
So, we had a lot of conversations about money, and the values that lie behind them. Having money did not cripple my wife, nor did it inhibit her drive to become a successful executive, prior to health reverses. She did NOT turn to Daddy's deep pocket when she broke out of an abusive marriage, but funded her separation, divorce and new life herslef. Frugally, which is the value she learned growing up.
I learned from her how to manage money, and how to enjoy using it in ways that were comfortable for us. We also lived frugally, purchasing a house that was worth little more than our very substantive combined income, because we wanted to continue to travel and engage in other activities. I drove a new car because my firm provided me with one.....
So, LW, sit down with what seems to be a very nice guy, talk about that very large chip on your shoulder and gently, very gently, place it aside. You may find that he is in awe of your achievements, and respects you profoundly. You may find out that he is a callow, superficial trust fund baby whose greatest pleasure is clipping bonds, or you may find out that he is real, that he uses money judiciously, and that you and he can create a life together. But you aren't goind to do any of this unless you talk. And given that this is your stuff, your issue, you need to talk first. Just do keep in mind that his family did not become rich just to insult yours.....
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Tell Him How You Are Feeling
That you love him, and even though you know that it's inside YOU, not him, you are resenting the ease that his wealthy upbringing gave him.
If you are going to marry this man, you need to know who he is and he also needs to know who YOU are. The fact that you graduated from college and have not slid into the same abyss that claimed your mom doesn't mean that all the trauma of growing up in that situation has healed.
My ex grew up poor--not dirt poor, but alcoholic father, go to Catholic HS on a scholarship poor. And one of the reasons that we ended up splitting, along with his own alcoholism, was that he could never accept that my family was accepting of his--told me SOOO many times how his mother thought that my family were snobs.
Yeah. Sure. Why? because my dad corrected our grammar, and expected us to put our napkins in our laps at meals? I really don't know, to tell the truth. I suspect it's that she believed--as did my ex--that the fact that they were upper middle class translated into snobbery. She was unaware, never having asked, that my dad was kicked out of the house at the age of 18, upon graduating from high school, and with NOTHING had to try to make his way in the world.
To my mind, there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who believe that you judge people by who they are, and those who believe that you should judge people by what they have.
Don't be one of the second, LW. Talk to the man you love, and get over this belief system: it doesn't serve you well.
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Thought experiment
Dear LW:
Are you constantly thankful that you grew up in the 20th century, with modern conveniences like toilets and electricity, instead of in the 10th century in a mud hut shitting in a hole in the ground? Are you grateful every day that you grew up in Western poverty, with welfare and food banks and social workers, rather than in famine-struck Ethiopia where there was no food whatsoever and everyone was covered in flies? Do you thank whatever God you worship that you didn't grow up in a war zone where you were under constant threat of being bombed or raped or taken prisoner and sent to a concentration camp?
Probably not. You probably realize intellectually that people have lived/do live in these situations, but this fact alone simply doesn't make you more thankful for whatever you have in life. As you were reading the last paragraph, you may well have been thinking "Yes, I know that, but that doesn't negate the fact that my childhood was hell." Does this make you shallow?
That's where your boyfriend is coming from with his money. He's not actively grateful for his upbringing for the same reason that you're not actively grateful for having been born in a place and time where women are allowed to vote. What's more important is his actual attitudes, not his background. From your description, it sounds like he's not show-offy about his money. Either he doesn't have the money himself, just his parents do, or he's careful with it and does understand the fact that money can run out. (Seriously, some rich people don't have that concept at all.) Is he nice to waiter? Does he tip well? What are his politics like? If he's good in all these areas, then you can make this work. His money is a safety net, is all, he still has a sense of perspective - just like you aren't completely lacking a sense of perspective because you grew up with indoor plumbing.
This is not meant to replace a dialogue about your money issues. You have these issues, he needs to know about them, you can work through them. Just don't read shallowness or selfishness or lack of perspective into the situation where there is none.