Letters to the Editor
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Plenty of REAL Problems in Every Life
1. Do not invent a problem. As you grow up, you and your fiancee will face plenty of real problems. This resentment of wealth is like resenting good health or natural beauty or God-given talent. Preposterous. Chill!
2. How do you know that HIS (the rich kid's) mom was not addicted to dope as well? And if she was not, is that not a good thing?
3. This is an opportunity for you to grow and to learn. If you chose not to grow, not to learn, you are free to wallow in your childish resentment for the rest of your life. But if you shed this soap opera idea now, you will have an opportunity for a deeper richer life, and an opportunity to face more important problems.
If you do not marry him, I will. And not for his money. You like this guy. Leave your silliness behind. Or don't. If you reject him now, you can reinforce your current silly ideas about yourself and about life. You can make a career of being a tough, boring cliche. Is that what you want?
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Something to consider...
I hear you, and Cary, good answer. Please consider...the people (or person?) who made the money in the first place was likely not a very attentive parent. I'm set to inherit as well, and guess what, the only reason my parents were able to earn their independent fortunes (they divorced when I was seven) was because they weren't being parents. At all. I am an only child, and did all of the same things you mention, save for helping siblings. We raised ourselves, it sounds like we have that in common.
Please consider that your guy may indeed have been neglected -- though taken on fancy vacations regularly, that doesn't mean he was well loved and well cared for. Maybe you are both able to see how to do better, and are just coming from opposite sides of the parental coin toss. Talk, it will be ok. Money comes and goes, really, it does.
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Has he changed since you found out? Maybe you could talk to him abou that.
On the one hand, the boyfriend is supposed to drive a beat up car, have an average apartment, and in no way indicate he's rich. On the other hand, he talks about fancy schools, expensive trips, and seems to casually describe a lack of privilege.
So, I'm guessing that having finally "come out" about his wealth, he's suddenly acting differently. I would suggest this: tell him you loved him when you thought he was struggling, tell him you love everything about his personality as you have known it. But tell him also that it has been difficult dealing with his wealth and his allusions to it, and that if it's all the same to him you'd prefer that was left out of the relationship for now, as you are having trouble taking it in, considering the circumstances under which you were raised. My guess is that he will have no problem with this.
Then start working to accept that fact that you hit the jackpot and are incredibly lucky. Not becuase you could have a Beemer if you wanted it, or a round-the-world vacation. But because you won't have to worry about starving. Won't have to worry about your health. Will be able to survive. Learn to be happy about this.
Finally, it's not a character flaw that he discusses his upbrining casually. Two possibilities. The first is this: he's concerned about you, and doesn't want you to feel bad about not having the same breaks, and so treats it like no big deal.
The second is this: economic realities are tricky, and they don't make sense. You can't explain to someone who had everything for the taking that they should be grateful every day of their lives for it, the same way you can't really make the average American actively, continuously thankful for not being raised under Third World conditions. When you luck into something, and when there's nothing on the horizen to threaten it, that way of life is simply the norm. It isn't exciting. It isn't marvellous. It's just what is.
He doesn't sound spoiled. Doesn't sound dismissive of other's hardships. It's just that what would be incredible fantasy for many was an everyday reality for him. It always will be a reality for him. As many soup kitches as he might volunteer for, as little of his personal wealth as he might choose to spend, at the end of the day his life and his luxuary are his reality. And it makes sense, psycholocially, that this would be the case.
Ease up on him, and ease up on yourself.
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Maybe I missed this but
The LW indicated that the fiance's parents were rich, but it was not clear that he himself was rich. Perhaps he is living life in a normal way because he is financially normal? He may not be living on the family dole or (wisely) counting on inheriting all that $$, so maybe he really isn't that different from the LW.
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It should be said...
...that just because her fiance's parents have money does not mean that he has money, or that he will in the foreseeable future. At the least, it seems he has chosen to live apart from any appearance of having a lot of money. The LW should, of course, deal with the feelings she is having about that possibility, but a reality check isn't out of order. And perhaps a long engagement wouldn't be out of order, either, since it seems this couple could spend a little more time getting to know each other.
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Wasn't it Tammy Faye Bakker ?
I think it was Tammy Faye Bakker who said when you don't have money, thats ALL you think about and as soon as you have it, you never think about it again.
Your fiance sounds like a very down to earth person, especially since he doesn't seem to flaunt his wealth like he probably could.
You can share your feelings with him, but I don't know what you expect him to say. He's already conducting himself like a considerate, respectful person. Does he say things that make you feel like you don't measure up because you didn't have the same background? It doesn't sound like it. Do you want him to stop talking about his past so you don't feel bad? Do you want him to have to stop and filter everything he says? Or do you just want him to apologize for being fortunate financially?