Letters to the Editor
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Had this very same issue...
... years ago, when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were invited to visit my Mom and Dad... conservative, small-town Catholics that they are and I am not any more.
We had a couple of visits where we did the separate bedroom thing, to please mom and dad. That got old fast. They knew we were living together, my mom loved to make sniffy remarks about it. When they visited us, they got the guest room and we stayed in our room. I finally said, we either get our own room at your house or we're not visiting. We're adults. You don't have to agree with us and how we live our lives, but if you want us to visit, we'd like our own bedroom please.
It took my mom about 20 minutes to get over it. We had our own room after that. Losing contact with us was a bigger deal to my mom than sleeping arrangements.
If that won't work with your mom, then get a motel. It will cost more, you'll be able to stay fewer days/visit less often because of the cost. You can explain that to her. But sleeping separately from your significant other is not an option, and is not something for your parents to expect you to tolerate.
After that, get a thick skin. Ignore the comments and the remarks. It's your life, you've grown up, you can sleep with whom you choose. If the comments and remarks become intolerable, you can back off even more (and tell your mom why).
Good luck.
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How does it even come up?
How does the subject even arise? Shut the conversation down when it comes up, and say that it's not appropriate, you're not comfortable having conversations of that nature with them, the end. I had to do that with my mother, although she has the opposite problem, she's really into over-sharing (and trying to get me to over-share; some crackpot therapist along the way seems to have convinced her that "boundaries = bad").
If you're in their house, you have to abide by their rules even if that means separate bedrooms or whatever, but thats just common courtesy no matter who you're visiting. You don't have to agree with it, but you have to abide by it or find another place to stay.
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You are a child
If you let them push you around. You're 26? Act it.
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Thread over.
Kitchen Girl wins.
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You lost your purity ring!
For many Christians, their core beliefs include waiting until after marriage to have sex. Premarital sex is considered a sin.
Where does committing acts of sin without repentance land you?
Hell.
What loving parent wants to imagine their child burning in hell in the event of sudden death without prior repentance? It's just easier for them to believe that you're not sinning, even if it takes a stretch of the imagination. Why not let them think you're a virgin, as it appears better for their mental health?
Why do you feel they need to know the details of your sex life anyway? Would you appreciate them sharing similar information about themselves?
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Accept, accept, accept
You will probably never live exactly the way they want you to. And it sounds like you are doing better on your own anyway. Cary's advice is spot-on; you are all adults on the same level now. They don't need to approve your life any more than you do theirs. And I agree with KitchenGirl about stopping the conversation before it starts. You can just politely say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and change the subject. Even the most logical, well thought-out reasons in the world would woefully fall on deaf ears in type of situation, IMO.
Also, writing a letter you will never send may help to get some of your feelings out. I have been in a similar situation and it helped me. Good luck, and remember, what matters most is that you are happy!
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One Small Question
If you "currently have a progressive, wonderful therapist [you] treasure," why on earth are you asking some dime store advice columnist,(much less the great unwashed that writes these letters)?
Ask your therapist, for God's sake. That's what professionals are for.
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Don't make the mistake I did...
I never confronted my mother about her absurd, controlling nature. She's now 89. I'm 54. And it's still going on.
My wife and I have been married 30 years, and things between my mother and I are still like it was when I was in my teens. And now, at 89, my mother is far too old to deal with confrontation, or ever hope to change.
Call bullshit on you mother NOW, or you and your S.O. may not make it. I know my wife has gone through hell, and it's a hell that, untimately ,I'm responsible for.
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The passive-agressive approach, for anyone interested
When you're at a parental home and they assign you separate bedrooms, accept the bedroom assignment without comment. Then, right around bedtime, casually end up in the same bedroom having a long involved conversation. If the acoustics of the house/apartment are such that they'll be able to hear you, talk about non-immediate things (movies, current events, philosophy) rather than talking about your family. Keep talking until after your parents have gone to sleep, and then "accidentally" fall asleep in the same room. Then wake up in the morning and go back to your own room to get dressed without comment. Don't mention the fact that you slept in the same room if it doesn't come up, but don't hide it or sneak around either. Because you are an adult and it's no big deal.
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coping techniques
I have dealt with similar situations with my family, when they act judgemental, passive-agressive, and generally drive me nuts trying to change my behavior, here's my thoughts:
Congratulations on realizing that you can't do anything to change their views. That was the hardest part for me. Every time the issues come up, I think I can explain my position, use logic, have a discussion like a rational human. I think my family member is listening, understanding, nodding. And then they go right back to their viewpoint of reality and their judging, pushing ways and it ends with tears.
So I've learned: don't fight. Don't even get involved in trying to share your side of the story. Give up on trying to change them, on sharing reason, even if you think having them understand you will help heal. Cary also said a lot of this, just with a lot more poetry. Also, what the first few letters said here is correct, them telling you how to live your life with regards to sex is inappropriate at this age.
Techniques I use (some of them work in different situations, depending how pushy the other person is):
Small polite smile: 'Thank you for the advice.' Then change the subject. They'll try to worm their way in again, keep going on about the new subject. If they really get under your collar, walk away, you have to get something, your cel phone is vibrating (pretend), something. Breathe. Take 3 deep breaths. Calm.
'That is none of your business'. or 'I don't see how that relates to what we were talking about.' Follow with the rest of the above paragraph.
Prepare at least 10 surprising/interesting topics of conversation in advance to talk about. At best, make some things that you can ask your parent(s) for advice, so they feel like they are helping you and are involved in your life. Things that you won't fight them about.
Some people respond to threats. I can't seem to make them and my family doesn't take them seriously. Different tricks for different people.
Holidays are particularly stressful in and of themselves together with visiting family that upsets you. Make sure to plan some time to get out of there. Errands you have to run (real or not). My spouse and I like to go off to a coffee shop and sit and relax, talk to each other, or read quietly. Walk in a park, avoiding all other people, or even just out the front door and down the street. Offer to go get groceries.
Good luck, and you *can* make this work. Like therapy, it takes patience, effort, strength, and time.