Letters to the Editor
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Chalk it up to Experience
The mistake was letting the guy's girlfriend move in while pregnant. That could only lead to childbirth, which would be wonderful for the couple but absolutely fatal to the letter writer's tenancy. Had he thought it out, he would have seen the only way it could end would be with him leaving, not them.
Yes, it's outrageous. No, it's not fair. Possibly he was manipulated, taken advantage of from the beginning, or maybe the idea of asking the LW to move out only dawned on the couple later, as B-day approached. Either way, it's curtains.
Take your lesson and move on. You probably want to find some new friends while you're at it, because these two apparently only love you for what you can do for them. That's your fault, too, by the way; you set that up and reinforced it.
There's a fine line between nice guy and chump, but it is a discernable line and you don't have to cross it. Good luck.
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MSchmahl
I can't agree with your "their point of view" slance even if what you say might be right. He was there first, and both of them know that. The girlfriend just moved in during her pregnancy, "earlier this year." Rational people wouldn't view it as "their" apartment in that amount of time, as you suggest they might in your closing paragraph.
We should also remember that LW states that three years ago, the apartment was too expensive for him. That doesn't at all mean it is now, and he didn't mention any worry that he won't be able to pay the rent now, unless I missed it.
I could see them asking him if he thought it might be a good solution, but they aren't asking him. They have their minds made up, and presented him with no alternative. The only way to look at it is that he's been there longest - it's his apartment.
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Don't listen to Cary!!!
Hey LR,
I was in an identical situation when I was in college. My roommate let his girlfriend move in and she got knocked up, too.
DON'T DO WHAT CARY TELLS YOU TO DO!!!
Stand up for yourself. If need be, consult a lawyer. Do not let these freeloaders take over and force you out of your home. If anyone should leave, it should be them.
Give them a deadline and tell them that they need to find a new place. PERIOD!!!
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take everything and go
Dear LW,
There is much good advice here, from Cary to the many who've responded. I think at this point it doesn't matter what the lease says. You need to tell your landlord of the situation and have him/her redraw the lease without you on it.
I assume everything, or just about everything, in the apartment, is yours. Here's what you do: get two or three friends to help you. Tell the "roomies" you are packing and they should find someplace else to go for the day. Then, pack every single thing that is yours. Every stick of furniture, every CD, book, and shred of paper that is yours. The dishes the toiletries, the food and pots/pans. Pack it all up and leave them with the wall jack for the phone and a refrigerator. Take your bed, take your couch. They have been using all of this as if was theirs and it isn't. They will then have to, in addition to caring for a newborn, buy new stuff.
I know this seems bloodless, but that's what they've forced your to, what you all, complicitly, have come to.
I wish you well.
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re: "my roommate came down with a bad flu. I let him sleep in my room (so she wouldn't catch it), and I slept on the couch for a week. "
Why didn't HE sleep on the couch? You've let them abuse you too long. Is your name on the lease? If so, tell them to leave. If not, you're screwed.
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They're REFUGEES!
And those people are ALWAYS right. Not only must you leave your apartment you must give them all your worldly possessions and declare yourself a war criminal. Then jump off the roof. It's the progressive way to go, baby.
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re:"Actually, if you have formally subleased to them, you are their landlord"
Well, he didn't sublease since he was living in the apt too. A sublease is when you move out and find someone else to live there and pay the rent. This is not the case here. He lived there and let a freind live there (-presumably for some rent, but maybe not, they are such users).
And in most states, a sublettor is not the landlord, the landlord is still the landlord, the sublettor is just someone who finds another person to pay him so he can pay the landlord. Legally, the original renter is still the renter of record and the one legally responsible for the lease.
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More unsolicited advice from a Reformed Doormat...
OK- here goes.
Dear LW- you acted like a doormat, and so what happened to you should come as no great surprise. Take a good look in the mirror, and slowly and deliberately say to your reflection, "You Acted Like a Doormat."
Then, in the next breath, you can say, "Basta!"
Look- this is how it is. Life just handed you a very valuable lesson. You have poor boundaries, and you need to do something about it right away. I also think that, from a practical standpoint, the most expedient thing to do is move out. I know that sticks in the craw of many of you, but consider this:
1. In the eyes of the law, you may, in fact, be a landlord, with all the responsibilities and obligations, thereof. Before you do anything, seek a competent attorney in your area. Unfair? Sure. You mean you never heard of UNFAIR LAWS?
2. If you choose to dig in your heels and fight, it will get ugly. Stand up for yourself? There are ways to do that without staying in the old apartment. Do you really want to fight to the finish for what could very well turn out to be a pyrrhic victory?
I don't know how old you are, but it took me until my early 40's to stop being such a goddamn doormat. Cary is right- it does nobody any good to be nice to people who take advantage of you. Bottom feeding scum like your friends are all born with a "sixth sense" for locking onto and zeroing in on people with poor boundaries. That is how they survive, as contemptible as it is. I wouldn't be surprised if this has happened before. You sound like the same kind of "Loser Magnet" I was.
By the way- compared to my story, which I won't go into here... if the WORST thing that happens to you as a result of your doormat-hood is having to move out of your apartment, then consider yourself lucky. VERY lucky.
So this is what you need to do:
1. Move out. Be done with it and put it behind you so you can get on with the other important things you need to do like:
2. Go COMPLETELY NO-CONTACT with your so-called friends
3. DO NOT GOSSIP about them- (Readers who suggested doing that are just stupid. BAD ADVICE. The LW will only make himself look bad, and besides, anyone with eyes to see will eventually see the scum for what they are with no help from you)
4. Buy a copy of Melody Beattie's landmark self-help book, "Co-dependent No More," read it intently, and do what it says.
5. Educate yourself about Personality Disorders. You are undoubtedly a PD-Magnet. I'd start with Narcissistic PD, and then work your way up to Anti-Social and Borderline PD. (If you have the bad luck to get sucked in by anyone like that, you'll PRAY to be living in tranquility, in your very own refrigerator box under a busy highway overpass.)
6. Move into a cheaper apartment and use the savings to pay for some therapy.
7. Lastly, do not be ashamed of having been a Doormat. Doormats are some of the most lovely, kind-hearted and necessary people in society- ONCE they learn to STOP BEING DOORMATS by keeping good boundaries and remembering to take care of themselves FIRST.
You made a huge mistake. Big deal. I dare say I probably made many more, and many worse, and I didn't wise up until my 40's. The good news is that you can get started now. Please do- the world needs people like you, in whole, healthy shape.
Good luck!