Letters to the Editor
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stronger punch please
LW, take lots of pictures, ala Diane Arbus.
Junior Wells nailed it, but so did Pickie Beecher. It's just one of those things we don't understand because we don't live in their world( Appalachia? Deep South? Is there still a place in the US where this is OK?). Maybe we all need to travel more.
This from flyover is great: "Tell the young couple you wish them well, because you do, don't you? As far as the adults, just paste on a smile and get another glass of punch when the conversation gets touchy."
Agreed. Now about that punch, bummer that it will really be just the kool-aid. If it's grape flavored, or if the Reverned goes by Jones, maybe go for something else.
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Wow, when did Dr. Laura take over the letters section?
I remember Dr. Laura counseling people to refuse to attend weddings and events they disapproved of. The drama of the act was meant to cause pain. She felt the pain would force the "offenders" to "think about" what they were doing. The reasoning was very illogical.
The only reason to boycott is to save yourself discomfort. That's the mindset of the boycotting fundamentalist. Just because some idiot would make such a vicious gesture does not mean LW should. Make no mistake- the gesture in this case would be vicious. LW is not close to the family, so she has no influence.
I can tell you what a boycott will do. It will make you ignored, and remove any attenpt at influence. I am suspicious of the bridesmaid thing. It could be just Southern custom (you have to have cousins and/or sister-in-laws as bridesmaids, etc or people will look at you). It could be an attempt at undermining LW's authority (look at how much fun this is- you could do this too if you followed our religion, etc). It won't work, especially if the paren is there to stifle it. Allowing daughter to go without Mom makes her more vulnerable.
I do think it will be a learning experience. Most 16 year olds are not stupid, and LW's has lived int he world. LA sounds like she is thoughtful, resourceful, and intelligent. She'll do fine.
This will ruin the neice's life. She won't be able to finish high school, and that means if her husband dies (marriages don't only end in divorce). If he is only 16, then he won't make much money. GEDs are not the same in terms of earnings. If he is older, it's guaranteed he will die early. If he is young, he may do physical work (coalminig, oil rigs, etc) that pay decently to those without diplomas, but also kill them very early on a regular basis.
Be available to help the neice. Your daughter will see that. Just moniter it so that this does not look normalized.
I come from a neighborhood where whether you had a baby at 16 (or 13) was normalized by class. I still remember neighbors (teachers all) telling me, in front of my mom, "Don't you bring any babies home to your mother". Other girls they didn't worry about. It was like a triage.
Go, be vigiliant. Be bigger. I think this LW is a good person for even thinking about this.
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If you love your niece
If you love your niece, you keep your anger toward her parents in check. Then you find a way to have a private conversation with her about the specific ways you do support her while omitting from the discussion the fact that you don't support the marriage. You can tell her that you support her right to choose her own path in life. You tell her that you're concerned that she's quite young to start a marriage with so little experience in the world. You tell her that should she ever find herself in a quandary that her religion, her husband, her parents can't help her with, you'd be happy to offer your own non-judgmental perspective that comes of different experience. You tell her that any time she wants a different perspective even on the little things you're only a phone call away. You give her a prepaid cell phone or phone card. Then you wish her all the best in this life she has chosen. And, as Cary said, you stay engaged.
As for your daughter (and other children if they're old enough), you ask her about her opinion of someone marrying so young. You don't have to tell her your opinion. Ask her why she thinks that. Ask her if she might make such a choice. Under what circumstances? Ask her what she thinks the consequences of such a choice might be, either for herself or her cousin. In essence, you allay your fears for your daughter by allowing her the freedom to explore this scary (or thrilling or exhilarating) idea safely with you. It keeps the information and mother/daughter relationship flowing, it shows you trust your daughter and are interested in her ideas, that her opinions are important, and it allows you to be true to your feminist ideals of respect for self which is the basis of self-sufficiency. You help your daughter gain self-sufficiency by allowing her to consider what it might mean to not have it.
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16 goin' on 17
Is this 16 yr old mature enough for the responsibilities of marriage? I doubt it, but the reality is that in many world cultures and in mostly rural subcultures here in the US, it is still common for girls to marry at 16,17. In 1924 my mom was married at 16 and just barely 16, but she was the daughter of an immigrant family in whose culture such marriages were common.
And this doesn't even take into account those marriages that come about because the girl is pregnant.
Motherhood and marriage are a big burden for one of these child women, but I don't know what any society can do to prevent such marriages except by statutes that prohibit marriages before a certain age.
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Paths.
I don't think there's anything the LW can do that will stop the wedding. I think she just has to let what happens happen. This wedding is not the end of her niece's story.
Getting married at 16 is not a guarantee that the marriage will not work out -- or that her niece will live unhappily ever after. There really are marriages that work out when the bride and groom are teenagers; perhaps they are rare -- I don't really have the statistics on that.
But if it doesn't work out, that's not the end of the world either, even if these "kids" end up having kids of their own. Being a young, single parent is not a death sentence.
I feel that people have to learn their lessons whatever way they need to learn them. It is not up to us to judge what paths our loved ones choose. These kids can still live a fulfilled, happy life.
Hell, we all know people who got married in their 20s 30s 40s and feel trapped and miserable.
Let these kids do their thing, and just be there for them. That's all you can do.