Letters to the Editor
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The purpose of marriage
Hey, isn't the purpose marriage susposed to be procreation (at least that's what the fundies say). So, if this is the case why no marry off as soon as you are able to procreate? I mean for the longest period of human history that's what the rites of passage where for: to signal arrival into adulthood and time to get busy having kids before you die; of course now that we live longer (and stay fertile longer) we have delayed the marriage age (and by defualt the enterce into adulthood). We are now faced with the problem of people being physically mature but without the social and economic means to start a family.
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When I was young
my parents, especially my mother, had a marvelous way of getting quiet and serious when someone near at hand faced a difficult life choice and made compromising decisions-- and she would let us know-- that this is not the way we would handle this in our family-- and we would ask why-- and she would explain-- we would feel included, and flattered that some of the weight of the adult world had been shifted in our direction, and that we were trustworthy to share this burden. It was a wonderful style of giving moral instruction to the young-- timely, taught us to draw distinctions, designed to get at the sobriety of the matter but not to accidentally enlarge it by hyperbole.
Do this for your daughter; do not stage a righteous, divisive protest.
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You couldn’t drag me to this wedding
I seriously doubt letting a 16 year old get married is the worst of this church.
My husband’s family belongs to what sounds like the sort of church the LW is talking about. When I was 18 and dating him I went to one of the services: the preacher told the congregation that AIDS was God’s plague against the gays and Catholics were all going to burn in a fiery lake. And then I got up and walked outside and I haven’t back in that building since. I might have said something – but women aren’t allowed to speak in his church. I still get along with the family but I don’t participate with their nonsense just to avoid a little drama. I stick to my values and still manage to be kind and friendly (and I get to sleep in on Sunday’s when I visit).
If I was this LW no way you could drag me to this child’s wedding. I’d send a gift and then I’d be done with it. But I might let my daughter go – only because I’ll bet you anything she comes back feeling a little sick herself.
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Too Young for Marriage?
Hell yes, sixteen is too young to get married. But you need to get off your high horse and go to the wedding. The girl doesn't need rejection from the (perhaps) only sane relatives that she has at this point. Nor do your kids need to see that you are a fair weather only friend.
Nobody asked your opinion on the issue of matrimony at that age, but if they did, you certainly are at liberty to tell them in no uncertain terms. But, since they didn't ask, and you're not close enough to volunteer, go and hold your tongue, and by your presence, and perhaps verbally, let the poor girl know that you'll be there for her when the shit (almost inevitably) hits the fan.
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The LW doesn't have any influence on the niece either way
She said the branches of the family were not close, literally or figuratively. How likely is it that the niece will turn to her when the marriage goes bad? That's wishful thinking, not support.
Of course, if they're NOT close, why have the LW's daughter in the wedding? If the religious parents are behind the wedding, are they behind that choice too? Cui bono?
Some families NEED to have rifts. It's the only way to prevent fights from breaking out on a regular basis.
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16 always has been young for marriage.
It is always interesting to me that people have the idea that whatever extreme, conservative trend going on today is either a throwback to the past or was more extreme in the past. I live in a southern state, where I grew up. Today there is a certain version of media-oriented fundamentalism that is very popular. Many local people are followers of this type of religion, and many people who move here from other parts of the country think that this is the traditional religion of the area. I'm in my 50's and when I was growing up, there were fundamentalists, but they were viewed by most middle class people as going a bit too far, or wearing their religion on their sleeves. In other words, it was not mainstream. Getting married at the age of 16, in many ways, carried more of a stigma at that time than it does today. If you look at U.S. historical census data, you will find that the median age for marriage has always been greater than 20 for both males and females. Cary's advice to go to the wedding for the sake of family is fine, but let's not look at a couple of fundamentalist sixteen year olds getting married as more than a modern aberration.
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Just Wow....
Just read the letter and three pages of reader responses before writing my own. There are so many issues all over the place I don't even know where to start, but here goes:
1. Don't try to save this kid from herself. There's nothing you can do about it anyway and you'll just end up causing lots of collateral damage.
2. Don't go to the wedding. Just because it's not your place to stop it doesn't mean you have to bless it. Your attendance is tantamount to your blessing. I would not bless this event for any number of reasons.
3. Talk to your husband and find out why he is going to the wedding. What message does he think it is sending to your own 16 year old? You need to understand this and come to some sort of agreement related to the message you send - together - to your daughter about her future.
Here's where I am most troubled: my guess is that neither of you would allow your own daughter to get married under these same circumstances. So why are you allowing her to be in the wedding? This may be the mother of all mixed messages.
At a minimum, you need to stay away to send a strong message of disapproval to your daughter. At a maximum, you might not want to let her attend.
What Ma and Pa Kettle do to (or for) their innocent 16 year old is their business. But you have no obligation to let your own child be a part of it. Just say no.