Letters to the Editor
-
six is correct
It's such a twist of cruel fate that this will most likely be a dry wedding. I'd advise bringing a flask.
Ick indeed.
-
What the Fuck?!?!?
Cary is just plain high! Don't go to the wedding, write the kid a heartfelt letter as to why you are not there, offer to be a mentor and friend to her, but don't go. Time will reveal that you were right and this child will ultimately come to view you as one of the few adults who truly cared for her well being.
Finally, I have a 16 year old daughter and she would freak at the thought of a friend/family member getting married at 16. She would call it stupid and ludicrous and foolish and laugh about it and be saddened by it. This I believe is a normal reaction....not being excited or ecstatic....
Don't go, but don't close the door on this kid, she will need you more than you probably know....
-
16 year olds don’t have a monopoly on mistake marriages
I have a good friend, educated at one of the illustrious Seven Sisters, who was single in her mid-thirties and wanted to have kids - and showed up one day to lunch after she had eloped with her then boyfriend to tell us she was pregnant. Now her feminist, marching-on-Washington D.C. ways are in the past and she bends over backwards for him and his wishes. When she was in labor, the nurse asked her if she wanted an epidural and *he* said, “NO. We want natural childbirth.” Now she takes care of the two kids AND the house without any help from him. AND she works full time. He doesn’t even do “old school” husband stuff like home repairs, car maintenance, and “cherishing his wife.” She did all the renovations on their house, and he yelled at her for not getting it done fast enough - AND he wouldn’t even watch the children while *she* painted baseboards. In short, he’s a lousy husband for her - but no one asked ever me, so I don’t say anything. Bitching to her now doesn’t do anyone any good. I just want to stay in her life, be her friend - and be there for her when her marriage eventually goes south.
Go to the wedding. You might warn her once about the perils of marrying so young, but if she doesn’t want to hear it (she probably won’t), you need to keep your mouth shut from then on and be her friend. If you care about your niece, you want her to know that you are there for her if things go badly. If you’re lucky, they might surprise you by actually being happily married!
-
To go or not to go
Hi Reluctant Aunt,
Of course 16 is too young. Of course you are right to want to encourage your own kids to wait much longer for marriage. And of course you are right to oppose your niece’s early marriage.
But your opposition to it is not going to stop it going ahead.
So they get married. It’s possible, though highly unlikely, the couple will have a long and happy marriage. If so, well then good. On the other hand, it’s likely the marriage won’t go the distance (or worse, it’ll last a lifetime, but one or both of them will be miserable). That would be truly unfortunate, but not the end of the world. In the meantime, getting married will give these kids an opportunity to explore their sexuality, with the blessing of their parents (blessing that rational, compassionate parents give to their kids long before they marry).
Should you attend? Well, you could register your disgust by staying home. You won’t achieve anything by doing that, except you’ll have an opportunity to enjoy some time alone on the moral high ground.
On the other hand, you could attend and bring some much needed sanity into the lives of these unfortunate children.
If you attend the wedding, you could use the time to act as mentor to these kids. (You say you live far away from them, so you probably won’t be there long. That means you’ll need to act quickly). As a wedding gift, why not give them several years supply of contraceptives and — most importantly because they’ve undoubtedly never had access to — accurate information on how to use the contraceptives? Also they could probably benefit from a good sex manual (e.g., The Joy of Sex).
On the journey home from the wedding, you can talk to your own kids about the pros and cons of early marriage.
-
Stand in the middle of the road and you will get hit
“I feel that people have to learn their lessons whatever way they need to learn them. It is not up to us to judge what paths our loved ones choose. These kids can still live a fulfilled, happy life.”
That’s some hippy-dippy talk.
My husband has an Aunt who can’t stop saying horrible things about black people. Her path is to be a raciest ass and she’s as happy and superior as she can be about it. I love my aunt (she has many decent qualities) but she’s still not invited to Thanksgiving until she gets it through her thick skull I won’t hear it. I judge her to be completely inappropriate and dead wrong. My telling her as much created lots of drama in the family – but I’m sticking to my guns on this one: that woman is not sitting at my dinner table until she can get her act together.
Maybe you would just sit by and let people say and do whatever – but I think that attitude is generally more cowardly then loving.
-
go to the wedding
talk very briefly to all your kids beforehand about your hopes for their lives (first college, then job, travel, then family).
Briefly state that you think marrying early is very limiting, but find a way to say it without insulting your neice.
Trust you've raised your kids well.
Don't start a family rift
-
about the other issue
I do think you should go to the wedding - it's very likely you can't stop it, and there's no reason to hurt this girl. But I don't think your daughter belongs in it. Say, "Our daughter is too young to be a bridesmaid." I think that will get the point across nicely.