Letters to the Editor
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I agree with Cary
Go to this wedding, because you love your neice and your daughter loves her cousin.
Don't blame these kids for wanting freedom, the only freedom they are offered in their home schooled religion is the only way world. The know not what is out there, they know what their trusted parents and instructors and church elders have told them.
Also, if this marriage fails and their community shuns them it may be good to know that good ol' secular auntie will take her in and show her how to live outside the constraints of church structure. She won't be likely to run to a person who wasn't even willing to show up at her wedding. Maybe buy her a gift about how to budget money for a newlywed couple or some other book that will help this new couple forge a life but not offend their religious teachings, with a note of reassurance and please call I'll always be here for you. Be open to listening to her.
In regards to your child, explain the reality of why these two lovebirds got married at 16. Explain to her that they only got married so they could have sex and that to you, having sex is not a reason to get married. Explain to her all that marriage entails, it's not easy at all and how much people can change in their viewpoints from 16 to 25. That a 16 year old isn't even really sure who she is, let alone what kind of mother or wife she will make. Before this cousin of hers knows it she'll be underfoot of 5 kids and starting to wonder if there ever could have been something else for her. Explain to her that her parents denied her freedom, they denied her knowledge because they are afraid for her soul and they fear new things. Just do it after the wedding so she doesn't go spilling to cousin how auntie really feels.
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Use The Family to Teach Your Kids
The LW is upset becasuse she knows that this wedding is the death knell of her niece's future.
It is doubtful that she can do much about it other than try to be as available as possible to the young girl.
The LW probably cannot do anthing about it, but she can use this as an opportunity to teach her own children.
My wife and I do this all of the time with cousins on both sides of our very large families.
The cousins who make good choices, and thus do well are touted as role models.
The cousins who make bad choices, and thus struggle, are held out as examples of the consequences for quiting school, marrying young, picking the wrong SO, having children too young, and other mistakes that can derail people.
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Dear LW
You are concerned about the influence of this wedding upon your 16 yr old daughter who is thrilled about the pending wedding of her 16 yr old cousin. I would be concerned too.
We do not know your relationship with your daughter, what activities and opportunities you share together, when you have one on one time, whether you go for walks in favorite places and do things together.
If it is possible to find a place where tyou and your daughter can be relaxed, perhaps you can raise the subject and ask her about her cousin's wedding plans.
Find a way to share your grandmother's experience, your experience as a single mother. Sure, that doesn't mean those things will happen to the Bride To Be, but you want to tell your daughter about past family experiences which did not serve you nor your grandmother well.
If your daughter is too caught up to slow down to listen are there any peers of hers who can put it in more prespective?
You might let your daughter know that her cousin is making a choice with which you do not agree, but because she is family, you will respect the wedding day but you do not support the decision at age 16.
A good friend of mine has 2 attractive daughters age 24 and 26, both never married, nor living together with any man. Long ago my friend told them, "Before you think you are going to have sex, go and get contraception."
The girls have 2 brothers ages 18 and 11. The family goes camping together.
The girls were extensively involved as volunteers in ST. JOHN'S AMBULANCE FIRST AID activities where they assumed youth leadership roles. They can render first aid in a group emergency situation. Some of their friends have gotten pregnant, but they have not. They deplore the problems they see their friends getting into. These two girls are very grounded individuals.
If your daughter has particular interests and skills, you'd do well to foster those interests.
Although your daughter is impressed with her cousin's pending wedding, draw her out privately and seek to ascertain what her true opinion might be. It could even be that at a level not apparent to you, your daughter also sees the wisdom of delaying marriage but would not display this to her cousin.
You are not geographically close to your brother in law and his wife. You have 4 teenagers in your family. What do your other children think? Is your 16 yr old the eldest? Your letter does not say.
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Homeschooled vs. isolated
I know it wasn't, by far, the main point of the letter, but since it's already been referred to in the first response...
Homeschooled is not a synonym for isolated/ignorant/fundamentalist. Plenty of parents homeschool their kids without socially isolating them or keeping them locked up in the house. Plenty of homeschooled kids grow up to be intellectually curious and self-sufficient. Plenty of public-schooled kids don't.
Yes, homeschooling can be used by controlling or fundamentalist parents to keep their children isolated. But that's not a fair representation of the very broad phenomenon of homeschooling.
It sounds like the girl is isolated and desperate, and in the limited outlook she's been given by her family, this marriage is presented as one of her very few options for alleviating that. Does the LW have any opportunity to just talk to her, not confront her or challenge her choice, but ask her how she's doing with everything? And let her know she can call you if she needs help?