Letters to the Editor
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You've been lucky so far but you can't count on luck. That's why they call it luck.
Excuse me, but that makes me angry, for Cary to imply that whether or not this man cheats on his wife depends on LUCK! No, it depends on husband's FREE WILL and CHOICES. He has all the control over what happens, there is no luck involved! It angers me that Cary's statement encourages some cheating spouse's rationalization that they couldn't help themselves. Bull, we all can help ourselves, we have full control over our choices and actions. Accept responsibility for your actions and choices and don't try to avoid accountability by claiming you can't help yourself and it's all up to luck. Decide what you want LW ( to be single or to be married to your wife), and then act accordingly.
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and plus!
I also resent CAry's implication that kissing a woman other than your wife is only bad cuz it may lead to sex. NO! Kissing a women other than your wife is WRONG in and of itself!
Go get some couples counseling, see what comes out and fix this. But stop (emotional) cheating on your wife. You may not have had sex yet, but you're already cheating by having intimate sexual acts with another woman.
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Alcohol. How con-VEN-ient.
Blame it on the alcohol? Sorry, too easy. This guy is getting itchy and eventually he's going to cheat. He's going to run into some itchy married woman and that will be that.
I think he needs to revisit what he means by "happy" when he says he's "happily" married. If he's only going by the dictionary definition, or the definition that others use, as outsiders looking at a marriage's trappings, apparently that's not "happy" enough for him. He needs to make his sex life more interesting with his wife (if he truly doesn't want to wind up cheating) and start dating her again.
Good luck to him, though. If marriage weren't such a crashing bore (but mostly if we weren't all such a self-indulgent lot), there wouldn't be all that rampant adultery out there.
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Why do people get married?
Kissing is in fact, CHEATING. It's as simple as that. Letters like this make me think that folks get married for the wrong reasons because they discover AFTER the vows that they enjoy sex/making out/fooling around outside of their committed relationships. This sad fact is compounded by children being brought in the mix, for they are the ones that lose the most in these situations. UGH....
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What Is Marriage?
The LW in every case asks us readers to make a judgement based on our own experiences and/or mores. How revealing all around!
I am not married. I have made attempts twice to be part of a couple called "married". I can't do it. I am in my late 60's and I enjoy the freedom to see who I want. It is easier for me to live alone and have as many friends as I like. Sometimes I wonder if I am "strange" and always I conclude I am "human". Pick a life style and enjoy it.
Eyesight leads to looking, looking leads to smiling, leads to talking, leads to touching and smiling, leads to leaning in and murmuring, leads to delicious anticipation, leads to the rest. Where to stop? Be your own judge and live with it. If this is your style make sure those with whom you interact are fully aware of it. No lies, no secrets.
If one makes a bond with one other person honor it with truth and openness.
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@ P. Goodwill
"The LW can kiss someelse and still love and respect and adore his wife. His own need for attention, for that rush of desire, for newness can coexist with his commitment to his marriage. And he might have a better marriage for it, if he keeps his wits about him, which he seems to be doing."
You're absolutely right about the LW's "need for attention, rush for desire/newness" being able to coexist with his commitment. I agree. He can have all of these things...with his own wife. I have never been married, but it is my impression that when you take your vows at the alter (I believe one of them is "foresaking all others"), you make a promise to stay together, no matter what. After a certain amount of time, when that honeymoon boat has sailed, that requires some work. I don't think the LW's marriage leaves any wriggle room for him to go around living his little fantasies with other women. If he really loves his partner (and their sex life is so great), he'd want to have hot kissing sessions and go out(married couples do have date nights, you know)with her.
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Hey LW, is a few minutes of pleasure worth destroying your marriage?
Assuming that you want to stay married, and assuming that your wife would be devastated by your affairs with other women (which is what you are doing), then you need to stop kissing other women right now, effective immediately. Otherwise you will lose your wife and ruin what you have forever.
So ask yourself: is the few minutes of pleasure that you get from kissing other women worth it? When you look at it that way, you ought to be able to stop.
If you can't stop, be a man and divorce your wife.
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P.S. A little advice, LW
All straight men like looking at attractive women, and all straight men fantasize about having sex with them, but you're married, so you shouldn't. So here's what you do next time you're on the road and see a sexy babe: go to your hotel room, spend some money on pay per view porn, and jerk off. That will solve your lust problem, at least for that night. Repeat as necessary until you return home.
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Ouch!
"The Buddha compared sensual pleasures to a razor-sharp sword with honey smeared on the blade. To taste the honey, people are willing to risk great pain.... Alcohol, drugs, adventure travel, dangerous sports - to say nothing of careless sexual behavior - cause many people much suffering"
Henepola Gunaratana - Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness
"Experience is a dear school, but fools will learn in no other"
Benjamin Franklin
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Those are the rules...
I feel sorry for straight folks. You make sex so complicated. You have one set of rules, roughly as follows:
1) You cannot have sex until you are married;
2) You are married to one person forever;
3) Once married, you cease to be attracted to anyone else.
Of course, in practice straight people break these rules all the time. But even then there are very complex rules governing the behavior. Someone should write a book.
My partner and I have been together for eight years. We have a great relationship. And if he (or I) want to kiss (or more) with some other boy, it has absolutely no bearing on our relationship. Our boundaries work for us. We don't date other people. We have fidelity without monogamy. If the LW loses his wife over a KISS, doesn't that belittle the whole relationship? Before LW was married, did every kiss have that kind of power? Why now?