Letters to the Editor
-
It's Not Just Men
I haven't ever crossed this line, but damn I have come close in my life. In more than one case, if the other person had given me an inch, I would have galloped across.
It helps me to try to make myself imagine (through the obscuring fogs of occasional lustfulness) how I would feel if I found out my S.O. had done the same. Really imagine it, and sit with it. Or what my S.O. would do and say if he found out I had cheated. How quickly he would be out of here, and how hurt he would be.
I never would have thought I would be the kind of person who would be tempted to cheat. Not even full-on cheating, but like you, just a kiss, a make-out session, to feel the thrill of that newness and excitement again. It's surprisingly hard to let it go.
But, you know, we're not getting any younger - it's not like it's a crazy fun sexual free-for-all out there. People pair off for a reason. I think it can all seem a lot more exciting and there for the picking from the safety of a secure relationship. Obviously you've been successful in getting some action, but in my experience one gets flirted with more when one is safely "taken." You're more exciting to others because you belong to someone else, or you seem like a better candidate for no-strings excitement (whatever it eventually did lead to).
If you were suddenly a sad divorced guy in a miserable box-like studio trying to figure out where to stay with the kids on alternate weekends - not so much. Try to keep that image in your mind when the going gets tough. I know I will be conjuring up my own version of it next time temptation strikes. And I'll also stay away from having drinks alone with attractive men (thanks for the tip, Cary!).
-
Dear Anonymous who is cheating
I don't get it. If you need to have sex with this other woman so badly that everything else goes out the window, why stay married to the other woman?
It doesn't feel the teensiest selfish and self-indulgent to try to have both?
If this other woman is worth everything, is she not worth giving up the other one?
-
Please consider your kids
My story, for what it is worth. My dad had an affair when I was young. My mom found out and indeed the shit hit the fan. I found out around age 7 or so. I cannot tell you the pain and suffering this has caused me. As a young child, I viewed it as "Mommy good, Daddy evil," and wanted nothing whatsoever to do with my father, and I became a total mommas boy. This led to a lot of teasing at school and lots of self-esteem issues. I missed out on a lot of valuable experience with my dad, who only decades later did I realize was a wonderful (albeit flawed) person.
Miraculously, I did not turn out gay (testament to the power of biology!), yet relationships have been very difficult for me. During childhood, in the midst of the affair, I decided that all men were rotten, whereas women were angels. Of course as an adult I realize that this is ridiculous and unfair, but I have such unrealistic expectations for female behavior that I get very judgmental and am constantly disappointed in women. I have serious madonna-whore issues. I am also hugely jealous and paranoid that any woman I am with will cheat on me. So much so that I chose for a wife a woman with a very low sex drive, which is lame.
After years of stringing my mother along, the affair finally ended. My mom became an alcoholic (she never drank before this). My parents tried to stay together for the kids, but ultimately divorced when I was a young adult. Living with all the tension growing up just really sucked. Not to be crass, but the divorce also cut into our family finances to a considerable extent.
Maybe your kids are not a big deal to you. Otherwise, please reconsider your behavior.
Sometimes what you don't do makes you a hero.
-
Maybe society's the problem
I don't think there's anything wrong with the letter writer. Of course he loves his wife. He's merely a normal male. I find it sad that normal males are so villified for the tendencies that helped keep our species from being extinguished. Evidence points to prehistoric humans being less monogamous than we currently are. The desire for variety is hard-wired into men (generally speaking) and it makes sense from an evolutionary point of view.
Having said that, I do feel the letter writer needs to make his decisions ahead of time, in a manner consistent with his ethics, so that he isn't trying to make them when he's least able to think rationally. But there is no need for the burden of guilt. You're normal.
-
15-20 years is a long time...
... to have sex with only one person, no matter how good it is. most people change and evolve and learn new things about themselves over such a long period of time.
of course, cary is completely correct: if the lw wants to stay married, he has to quit having drinks with other women. period.
but maybe he isn't getting something he needs from his marriage.
i would take things a step further. in addition to avoiding all potentially compromising situations, examine your feelings, your needs, and how your marriage does or doesn't meet those needs.
what is it you are seeking in these flirtations and make out sessions? what aren't you getting from your wife?
once you have the answer to that, figure out how you can get those needs met within your marriage. it may turn out that the marriage needs some work after all.
i've been married ten years myself. if my partner told me they were having fantasies about other people, i'd sit up and take notice and explore with them how their needs can be met within the marriage. i'd take it very seriously.
i bet the lw's wife would, too.