Letters to the Editor
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Dear Sandra M:
Your post has some good points. The self-righteous people I'm addressing are those that say it's bad and terrible without ever having been in the situation. I know there are choices all along the way, but at least at first, this is something that can happen to you--it's not always somebody seeking out anything. Like I said before, I found myself in a troubling situation that was moving far faster than I could absorb it or think about it (and in fact, I kept trying to stop and think, but my hormones and the whole situation were just too much to resist). And then once it was over, I couldn't stop thinking about it and slipped up a few more times. And like I said, I'm doing everything in my power not to get into those situations again, because I know what the right choices are, but it's a tough habit to break.
I'm not suggesting that this guy continue down this path. Obviously it's destructive. But I think it helps to know that he's not alone. Also, everyone kept trying to tell me (and they're telling him, too) that maybe there is something lacking in his marriage. Or that subconsciously, he wants everything to fall apart. That's bullshit. The only thing wrong with his marriage is that his spouse is only one person. And there's nothing wrong with him, either.
Everyone goes on and on with all this psychobabble, but I don't think it's that complicated.
As to your point about your new relationship, where you don't want to mess around, that's great! I felt like that too, for the first decade or so.
I don't have a solution. Just empathy and compassion. This isn't an easy situation.
Anonymous Break-Seeker
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You're a Cad
Face it, you're a cad. These things are not that complex. You think that you are the ONLY guy (or gal) in the world who wants to cheat? Get real! However, only someone with an ego the size of all outdoors (like yours) would think it warrants a letter to the editor. We have troops dying in Iraq for no good reason, health care is a mess in this country,and our public education system is an embarrassment. And yet your big obsession is about an over-active dick? Get a grip, dude.
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Hey Rambling Rose..., from LW
Dear Rambling Rose,
You sure don't mince your words. As for me being a cad, I've called myself much worse than that over the past week.
As for this being my "big obsession", I would respectfully disagree. When I wrote to Cary it was because the incident was extremely fresh in my mind and I knew I had done something harmful to my marriage and I had enjoyed his advice in the past. Not sure why you think that my situation doesn't warrant a letter to an advice columnist I respect. I behaved abominably and I had no friend nearby to turn to for advice. Why not write to him?
In the end, the responses I have read (including yours) have helped me understand my behavior a little better. Obviously I don't think I am a lost cause. I want to never do this sort of thing again and Cary's response, while helpful, was only the beginning of the excellent advice I have receieved from the wonderful Salon readers. Believe me when I say that this has been a humbling experience and I will work to insure I honor my vows to my wife and children in the future. You are free to write me off. I can't do that.
Regarding your thoughts on Iraq, health care in this country, & the state of public education, I am confident we would agree. As for my "big obsession", I think that is making sure we elect a Democrat to the White House next year. My personal obsession is to be a better husband than I was last week. I think I am capable of doing both.
LW
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LW, most of us don't judge you
because we do understand the feeling behind what you did if not your particular motivation.
We hang around people that aren't our spouses, and mother nature kicks in, and our genitals start to shout "Hey, over here!!" and it's heady stuff if the other person('s genitals) respond(s).
A friend of mine calls it your "work wife" or "work husband" - in your case a relative stranger but in many cases discussed here, and in my own life, it's been someone at work. Over a few weeks or months or after an incident at home or some work-related exercise that brings people together, things get hot and heavy in the air between you.
It happens. You're not a cad. You're a human being. Where I have (recently) been able to say NO, there was a time in the past I allowed myself to "believe" the old "she doesn't sleep with me" canard and thought I was having a relationship with a guy who was actually simply waiting for his wife to come back from her yearly summer sabbatical.
My work husband, at the time. Turned out he was a clueless dolt, a clod, a CAD. He was deliberate in his actions: lie to this woman and to my wife and get laid in the bargain! Decades ago.
I don't see you as a cad, mainly because this recent event (letter above, friend at work, sparks fly, had to say NO) really had me reeling. I'm unmarried, have huge walls up that have prevented me from connecting with anyone for a very long time, and this "breach" of those walls was very compelling. It took HUGE willpower not to jump right in there.
It's still very much alive, due to the fact there's a vacuum in my life in the place where such activity occurs, and he feels drawn into that space, that empty yearning space.
It's all subconscious, and we can't help the vibe that occurs between us. You gave in to your version of it, for a moment. I didn't. But I'm not a better person than you and I have no right to judge. I was just better able, through these moments, at this point in my life, to say no.
Your letter helped me not to be so angry at him, for considering even for a second, asking me to take that leap.
I hope you find a way to do that in the future, and please turn off your darn computer and go take your wife to a romantic dinner and afterwards make out for hours where the high school kids go.