Letters to the Editor
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It's time to get some help.
What you describe is the rule, not the exception, for most men married (happily or not) for 7+ years ... that's why they call it "The 7-Year Itch."
It's time for some serious introspection, a process you have obviously already started by writing to Cary. As an excuse to find a good cognitive psychotherapist tell your wife you have been getting "stressed out" by work, and get some professional help to sort out your feelings ... do it BEFORE the next kiss with another woman "happens."
You are headed down a slippery slope and you need to understand why you are choosing behavior that you know may be disastrous for your personal future ... understand and take control of your actions, then: 1) stop the kissing; or 2) ask your wife to join you in some marriage counseling; or 3) ask your wife for a formal separation or divorce while you create an entirely new future for her, your kids, and yourself.
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It's time to work towards understanding
I'll add to Cary's fine advice with some extra thoughts:
I don't think you should totally beat yourself up about it and go on a deep guilt trip, but it's time to start understanding why you're doing what you're doing.
There is no shame in feeling attracted to other people - attraction is, in my opinion, a core part of a friendship. You want to hang out with and get to know people who you like, who you are attracted to in some degree.
There is no shame in feeling good when you sense that someone else (especially someone attractive) is attracted to you. It's very powerful and very intoxicating to feel that sense of "total attention" from another person.
There is no shame in thinking about kissing or touching or even having sex with other people. The "human animal" is hard-wired to do these things. Of course, we're hard-wired to do a lot of things that we realize are not proper in a given context.
But if your relationship with your partner has a core assumption of physical and emotional fidelity (and I would bet that it does), you are violating the terms of the relationship. You say you feel guilty, and so I think you understand this. It is good that you feel guilty, because it means you care about your relationship with your partner.
There is something missing in your relationship that you are seeking elsewhere. Counseling, either solo or with partner (or both) will help you identify it. But you must start with being open and honest - with yourself, with your partner, with the people you are meeting.
Tell yourself "I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but I will start examining how I have felt when it has happened and try to understand what is there, in those interactions, and is missing in my relationship with my partner."
Tell your partner "I am finding myself attracted to and interested in other people, and I don't understand it but I want you to know about it and we should talk about it." Tell her more if you want to.
Tell the people you meet "I find you interesting, I'm enjoying talking with you, let me tell you about my family." Or, if there is mutual attraction, say "I'm attracted to you, I think you're attracted to me, but I'm a married man and committed to my partner."
You have a lot of work, and discussion, and tough times ahead of you if you really want to continue your relationship with your partner under the current terms. You must ask yourself if this is what you want, and if so you should pursue it using all the means you have available (conversation, honesty, openness, counseling).
Best wishes to you.
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More hookers redux
So what I'm saying is: being married is good. Staying married is good. So good that, if you gotta find a way to have a crazy hooker threesome once every few years just to keep your sanity, it might be worth looking into it.
Yes, but there is no guarantee that a "crazy hooker threesome" every few years will do anything to help anyone keep their sanity. Since you keep bringing up this topic, I wonder if it is something that has a special secret appeal for you.
I have had threesomes and foursomes and while some of them were fun, mostly the idea is overrated, and the notion that they might provide sexual satisfaction so overwhelming that it lasts for years is quite laughable.
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Give the guy a break!
When I read this letter, I thought I could have written it myself. Kissing people you're not married to is more powerful than the strongest of drugs. I know because I'm smack in the middle of it, except that I'm a female, happily married with children, with an irresistible urge to kiss when I've had a few drinks.
It started off innocently enough--on a business trip, with no plans to cheat. And then poof! I'm in a hotel room with some guy, making out, until I/we decided we had to stop. And then that happened a couple more times with different guys, and now I'm trying really hard not to put myself in those situations again. But it's hard. Really, really hard. And I think Cary's advice is harsh, and I think the rest of you self-righteous writers are simply trying to make yourselves feel better, when really you'd kill for another first kiss but are too scared to put yourself out there. Those of us who have ventured into this forbidden territory are both weak and brave enough to allow ourselves to live again.
I've quit making out with men I'm not married to, but it's a struggle. Every business party or trip, there's alcohol and opportunity. The best I can do is remind myself that I got to relive the 9th grade, and now I have the memories to keep with me. It's not enough, but it's something.
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Anonymous break-seeker
Why do you assume that responders are self-righteous because we don't kiss people we're not married to? What an odd perspective.
When I was married, I kissed men that weren't my husband. I told myself it was harmless and fun as long as I knew where to stop. But of course, eventually I didn't stop. Kissing and alcohol and the illicit thrill of it all can - and given enough opportunities almost certainly will - lead to greater infidelities.
At some point I stopped justifying myself to myself and asked what I was doing. I couldn't understand why I was so willing to do something that a) I didn't believe was OK, b) knew would hurt my husband and c) would crush me if the tables were reversed. Compartmentalizing is not a gift that keeps on giving. I was living a lie and I got sick of it.
Eventually with the help of a therapist I figured exactly what those illicit thrills were doing for me, and why I'd let them become so important in my emotional and behavioral landscape. My marriage didn't survive this process of self-discovery, and while that was perhaps inevitable, I am to this day very sad and disappointed in myself for not asking the hard questions sooner, and behaving better on the way to the break-up. Acting like a selfish fool and hurting a good man was NOT an inevitable choice - it was a bad one, and one that I made with my eyes wide open though nevertheless blindly.
Now I am in a relationship with a great guy and I know - KNOW, without any of this 'never say never' get-out-clause language, that I will not cheat on him - not with lips or any other part of my body. I fully understand the cost - not just to him but to me. But 'it's not worth it' isn't even the thing here- the thing is, the thrill of making out or grinding or having sex with others while in a committed relationship - the *right* committed relationship - is simply not thrilling any more. If the thought ever did become thrilling, I would end my relationship (or have an honest talk about the possibility of opening the relationship up) before seeking my sizzle elsewhere.
I am not self-righteous at all, merely self-knowing and willing to take full responsibility for my actions. It's actually not difficult to live this way - there are far fewer regrets, and I am not plagued by the idea that the honest thrill of life and sex were over for me in the 9th grade.