Letters to the Editor
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"the right to privacy"
Uh...there's a difference between walking in on your spouse scratching his/her ass and walking in on him/her making out with someone else.
If that's all the LW's done in the infidelity dept. in 15+ years of marriage, he's better than most. That still don't make it right, and he knows it.
Why does he want to do these things even though his marriage is good and he wants to be a faithful husband? It's called temptation. It happens. Flee it. Avoid the situations where you can get yourself into trouble.
And for God's sakes, don't go telling your wife about these two incidents unless absolutely necessary (meaning she asks or someone else tells her). And if any of this ever comes up, be honest!
(BTW, I know there are couples out there that are OK with the spouses kissing other people etc. Bully for you. But this doesn't sound like that's what the LW or his wife had in mind for their marriage, and the implicit agreement they made should be respected.)
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@caffx
You "get" to have sex with your wife 8 times a year, while she lays there like a corpse?
Cheat on her. You have my blessing. (And I'm a woman!)
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Communication
[i]My point is this: I just don’t see the necessity of pure, unadulterated, unbridled honesty regarding every single detail of your life with your spouse. It’s all well and good for the polygamists among us to extol the virtues of honesty and openness; effectively having their cake and eating it too. But what about the folks who agreed to a monogamous relationship, only to wind up not having sex at all?[/i]
No, you don't have to list every single freaking thing you did that day to be honest and open. Plus I don't count fibs like how much you spent on a handbag or you really were out with the boys at the track when you said you were at work. Some of that is just avoiding a discussion you don't feel like having. Sometimes I say I need to work late simply because I want some alone time and don't feel like going home to cook and clean and take care of the household, sometimes he fibs about how much he gambles or how much money he spends on porn. But if you agreed to monogomy with regular sex and aren't getting any you discuss it with your spouse, not just pretend everything is fine and go get some on the side. If they still won't have sex, then tell them you need it, if they refuse to give it, you're gonna get it elsewhere. Then they can have the choice to accept that or get a divorce. Some women like that their spouses have affairs because then they get left alone to take care of the kids and probably had low sex drives to begin with.
I've experienced a few sexless times in my marriage, then I have a discussion with him and explain if he ain't gonna give it up, I want out. Then he explains why he's been asexual. It'd be a real jackass thing of me to just get some tail on the side becuase my husband is having some problems at the moment or I've been doing things to turn him off without realizing it, because when I have kids I'm going to want the same consideration. I know I'm not going to be able to have sex as often during the first few years of a childs life and I certainly wouldn't want him cheating on me just because pregnancy and child rearing has changed the dynamic of our relationship.
[i]I don’t know personally if I have it in me to act like Katbo90. But the longer I watch people in otherwise good marriages not have physical desires met… the more I suspect that the real crime in infidelity has to do more with whether the people involved are doing it in a way where that could effect their family life, or spouses health, etc. (and despite all the doomsayers, I’ve seen many situations where it doesn’t)[/i]
Similar to above, but I know plenty of men who've cheated when their girlfriends and spouses are very sexual. It's usually you've been having regular sex, then it drops off which can signal to the cheated on that an affair has begun. Men who claim to be in sexless marriages are often lying to convince the woman it's okay what they are doing. Men who don't want to get caught know to continue having sex with their wife. Cheaters also happen to be very good at lying, to their spouse, to themselves and to their affair partner.
Also if your relationship is becoming less affectionate and sexual, you better bring it the hell up and not say how dare you cheat on me when we haven't had sex in a year! (Heard on a radio station that catches cheaters) And I say who the fuck doesn't have sex for a year and not talk about it!
The person only 8 times a year, damn, I'm sorry, perhaps you should uh, talk to your wife? Buy her a vibrator or something?
I have known a woman who got herpes becuase her partner cheated, I knew another who got genital warts. I've also seen the effects of cheating parents on their children and how their children view commitment and respect in relationships, not very fucking well.
If someone can truly hide and compartmentalize their affairs, then those probably are not problematic. The problem is not many people can pull that off.
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More hookers!
To the anonymous person who so viciously hated on my 'get a hooker' program, let me just say this:
Seriously, I'm a nice dude. I've never cheated (but have been cheated on) and never plan to. Never been to a hooker. Never even been to a strip joint, cause they seem a little sad.
But you only live once, and I know well enough that if you intend to happily stay with one person, you might have to find a way to (safely and discretely) indulge yourself. And it's easy for me, now, in my youth, to say that I'm not too interested in sex outside of my relationship. Because I don't flirt and I don't need some woman to make me feel good about myself. Because I'm still young and reasonably handsome. It's easy for me to feel vital and alive because I really am.
But I feel for people who've been together for twenty years. I feel bad for people who are locked into families that they can't conceive of giving up on but who have biological imperatives that aren't being met.
So what I'm saying is: being married is good. Staying married is good. So good that, if you gotta find a way to have a crazy hooker threesome once every few years just to keep your sanity, it might be worth looking into it.
I guess it's like quitting smoking. You should quit! But you shouldn't dump the whole non-smoking lifestyle just because you wanna have one once in a while. Family is life. You should stay in yours, even if it means you've gotta do some scandalous shit just to get by.