Letters to the Editor
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Do Not Even *Think* of Discussing this with your Wife
If what you just said it honest, she doesn't need to know.
She very likely doesn't want to know.
You have already poured your soul out over the internet...isn't that enough?
Just don't
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Discretion is the better part of valor
No, don't tell her. That would be a self-indulgent apology. It's done with. Move on. This revelation is not in any way news she can use, and it would only hurty her to know about it. Besides, can you imagine if she decided she wasn't going to believe you only made out with this woman? I know I'd have my doubts in her position.
Just shut your trap and be very grateful that you aren't keeping a bigger secret than this.
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Puritans, All Right, Good Grief!
Reading most of the responses makes me feel like a decadent evil person, since I have been married for 25 years and have had numerous make-out sessions with numerous delicious men. We knew up front that we were not going to fall in love, have a romantic relationship or anything other than what it was: a few hours of blissful, purely physical pleasure, feeling the thrill that only such illicit encounters can provide. The key is to remember to keep it at the fun, no strings attached level & go home to your lifemate & keep your mouth shut about the fun on the side. It's only natural and other cultures realize this and accept it without making people feel so incredibly guilty. Murder is bad, rape is bad. Having some purely physical tingles with a member of the opposite sex, willingly and thrillingly, is one of the pleasures of being human.
I have no idea if my husband has done the same, but I would bet he has, since he is a normal guy with normal urges. The fact is that we are happily married, sane, loving and neither has ever mentioned separation, divorce, or even argued about possible affairs/make-out sessions. To me, this is a mature relationship that accepts human foibles.
Lighten up, everybody!
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Puritans?
Refusing to live a life full of deceit and lies, finding that only 'illicit' encounters can deliver a thrill, is not puritanical - it's HONEST.
If you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other then you shouldn't be doing it. If it's truly harmless then you don't need to hide it.
Things that are only harmless as long as they remain a secret are not in fact harmless.
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ditto, DO NOT TELL
If you really are not going to do it again, it isn't worth the pain you'll cause your wife by telling her. If you do it again tho, that's a different story.
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@ Katbo90
"The fact is that we are happily married, sane, loving and neither has ever mentioned separation, divorce, or even argued about possible affairs/make-out sessions. To me, this is a mature relationship that accepts human foibles."
That kind of reasoning is flimsy and self-serving. If you've never discussed the prospect of extracurriculars with your husband, how do you know whether this relationship "accepts" such activities? As far as you know, your husband has been perfectly faithful all this time, never considered behaving otherwise, and would never have thought you had had "foibles."
The problem here is deceit, not the desire for variety. Many great relationships do indeed accept, even encourage, their members to play outside the relationship. But these kind of relationships are not made unilaterally, in secret. I myself have one -- just about anything goes, so long as there are never any secrets. That foundation of trust and honesty is essential.
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@Katbo90
Oh really, then why don't you walk up to hubby and say, hey dear, you know I've been making out with random guys here and there for the past 25 years we've been together, just some tingley pleasurable fun with other men, no sex though, aren't you proud of me! If there is nothing wrong with it, it wouldn't be a secret and you would have an idea what extracirriculars your husband's been up to. What if he told you he's never even held hands with another gal because he's so in love with you or wouldn't like himself if he fooled around? How would you feel then, how would he feel knowing that he's been completely faithful when he wasn't aware there was some unspoken agreement that making out with other people is okay?
I know my husband watches porn and uses sex toys, he knows the same about me. Some people wouldn't allow that in their relationship, we do and we know we do because it's not a freaking secret! At least I'm honest in my puritanical relationship about missing making out with people so we do our best to recreate that fantasy with each other! Oh and we don't talk about divorce or seperation either and I fully plan on being with him forever years barring he fucks up real bad, like fucking other women, could I forgive kissing, well yeah after 10 or more years together, I could and would but oh boy would I be fucking real pissed off for a real long time and he knows that about me too. It's also why I don't make out with random dudes! I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not a liar living in a fantasy world that my fooling around is okay because my spouse must certainly be fooling around, even though I have no clue if that's true and just tell it to myself so I can ignore that I'm a lying cheating asshole.
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To the LW
I think you should base the tell or don't tell based on your wife and the relationship you've had thus far. Has it really been honest and open except for your two falters in liplock land? If so, it may be better to be honest with her about this and let her lick her wounds while you earn back her trust.
I'm going to assume after 15 years together, she's not going to divorce you over some drunken make-out sessions, though she may require that you find a new job that doesn't require you to go out of town with temptations. If you are willing to find a new job before you tell her, that may be a good way to say I've made some mistakes and I'm trying to rectify them and here was my first step. If you can't change jobs or positions, she may become a nervous wreck everytime you go out of town, only you know your wife's temperment, so it may be better to keep it to yourself.
Now if your wife is a suspicious person, if you've been less than truthful about other things in your relationship that she knows about, then I would advise not telling because she probably won't believe that you didn't have sex with these other women on your business trips and that may lead to a divorce, or her making the home life very unbearable for you if she's not the forgiving kind. Or if you really don't want the kids to know, you'll probably not be able to tell her because the kids will know something is up and depending on their age they may not take the everything's okay mom and dad are just upset right now reasoning. Your mistakes affected them as much as your wife and if you tell, the whole family dynamic will change and you won't just be asking forgiveness from your wife.