Letters to the Editor
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Stay strong
I love my wife immensely, so much that I can't even express how much I love her without using inane adverbs. She's everything to me. My life. AND YET -- a beautiful hot young thing walks by and yes, I look at her, and yes, looking at her makes me want to have sex with her. Maybe -- don't look at her? Okay in theory, I guess. In reality I can't change the fact that I'm a man, biologically designed to have the desire to spread my seed. Looking at and wanting to have sex with beautiful women is not pleasureful for me, it's self-induced suffering, but I can't seem to change. Perhaps minor change is possible, with practice. We can meditate on the feeling of desire itself, the physical sensations it produces, and hence cut the drug off before it gets to the brain. I don't know. Life is not easy. And yet it doesn't have to be as hard as we often make it for ourselves. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don't have. Don't throw away love for a roll in hay. Accept your desires and feel them.
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You think of yourself as being happilhy married, but that might be worth rethinking
I thought I was happily married too. I kissed a few guys. Then it went further...and soon I was a serial adulterer. I was a master at compartmentalizing and didn't feel guilty in the slightest, until one day I really *thought* about what I was doing. Suddenly the convenient scales dropped from my eyes and I really understood how emotionally stunted I was, and how much I was robbing my husband of respect, intimacy and honesty.
If you want to stop, really really want to stop the behavior, never mind trying to understand it - that can come later. Tell your wife. It's only kissing and she probably won't leave you - but she will probably be very very hurt and very very angry and you will find yourself having to win back her trust. That will keep you busy for awhile, too busy to pursue make out sessions and titillating conversations about illicit sex. Then, go talk to a therapist to find out the 'why'. It might be something rather benign, that you want to feel attractive again. It might be something a little deeper. My guess is the latter...because it's happened more than once and seems to take up a lot of mental real estate in your head. You know it's wrong and you're acting in a manner not consistent with your own values, despite the risks - that is worth looking into now, before you do something really stupid and destructive.
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Worst Habit Ever and it May Be Your Job
Honestly, stop right now before it develops into a habit and ruins your life. The wrongness of it is demonstrated by the fact that you are keeping it from your wife. You do not want to be thinking about this as you lay in bed next to her, it is drawing energy away from loving her, and actually making HER UNHAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! Karma will be a bitch, I assure you.
But there is one other explanation that has nothing to do with your marriage--a marriage which may in fact be happy. YOU HATE YOUR JOB!!! You are engaging in this behavior to distract yourself from how much you hate being on the road and what it is that you are doing.
So, make a major job readjustment before it ruins your marriage.
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I'm Beginning To See Why Cary's Job is So Hard Sometimes
It seems almost impossible to give all the relevant details to a problem in one letter, and he is almost forced to read between the lines.
For example, the LW states that he has had two make-out sessions during his 15-20 yr. marriage. When was the first one? Did the first one almost open a Pandora's box that he has struggled to keep closed for years and years, until the second incident? Or are the two incidents closer together?
I do not agree with the other posters who scold that he has already cheated. I don't think he has since his mind was very much on maintaining his marriage, and I am willing to go with the technicality that he did not actually have intercourse.
So the LW writes about his problem. He is obviously afraid that his propensity for make-out sessions will lead to actual intercourse. He asks "What is my problem?" There are so many answers to that, but the LW cannot necessarily put all the clues in his letter.
My first guess might be lack of experience or too much experience prior to marriage. Lack means he might be wondering what he missed, and too much means he might be waxing nostalgic.
My second guess would be boredom. It happens, especially when the kids are younger. It can happen in any marriage, and sometimes it is not a problem since both are too tired to care. The LW says his sex life is "just fine." That's damning with faint praise. It might be "just fine" until he goes out of his boundaries on his business trips and everything looks bright and new and well, sexy.
Which leads me to a rather trite suggestion, LW. Take your wife on your business trips whenever possible. Maybe you both will look bright and new and sexy to each other.
My other suggestion would be to keep fantasizing but realize that many fantasies are better left unfulfilled. Sometimes letting your mind really roam is so great, just remember to come back to earth. I've been married for as long as the LW and fantasies have kept me going through the rare not-enough-sex patches quite well. When I was first married I fell victim to the "aren't I enough?" junk when I found out my husband had kept some of his old porn mags. I am wiser now. He has his fantasies, I have mine. Over the years we have acted out some of them with each other. If both sexes did not have a need for fantasy, Harlequin Romance books and internet sex sites, among others, would be out of business, but they seem to be thriving.
One last question for the LW. Are you glad to go home after your business trips? Are you thinking, "back to the grind" on your way home? That might be the problem here, and no one night stand will cure it. It means the problems run much deeper.