Letters to the Editor
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P. Goodwill, you have no idea what you are talking about. I lived through just this, and I was the cheater.
"All we're hearing here are slippery slope theories about what a kiss might lead to -- Sex! Devastation! Divorce! Life Long Regret!!"
That's because most of these "alarmist" letter writers have actually seen the cookie crumble.
The people writing these comments are writing from a position of honesty, not "puritan alarmism," P. Goodwill. Stop with all the trite-as-hell "Let's just be more like the Europeans" nonsense. When they are honest about their marriages, most of them are hardly happy when the spouse cheats, despite whatever 1970s "awareness" nonsense we try to stamp on the actual cold pain of the experience.
I know. I cheated. And I wasn't honest with myself and my marriage ended. I truly don't believe, based on my own experiences and the experiences of my friends and relatives (all of us now well into middle age), that one can "love" a spouse but still seek out actual real-life sexual physical contact with another person and even yearn for this as the letter writer does. In every case I have seen, and what I lived through, the people who sought "extras" out inevitably did have full-on affairs, caused terrible pain to themselves and to others, and ended their marriages. And by the way, the other women & other men always have desires and needs of their own. So we are not puritan alarmists, we are grown-ups. There is something deep and profound missing from the LW's marriage, no matter what cliches he recites to us about being "happy." And I do not consider it a badge of honor to stay married on paper while fucking around with other warm bodies behind the spouse's back.
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I am glad
That my husband wasn't out of town last week.
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you asked WHY you are doing this
You asked WHY you are doing this (among other things you mentioned).
I strongly suggest that you check out
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
You will get lots of people who have been and are on both sides of this issue to help you out.
In brief, some of the reasons why you are doing this are
1. You are selfish
Yes, you are. There's really no other way to describe this behavior. You know it's wrong, yet you do it anyway. And you know it's wrong not just because of some intellectual construct. You know it's wrong because this world is full of examples of the consequences. The hurt and pain and utter betrayal your wife would feel, if she knew. Not to mention the feelings of your children. Many cheaters try to rationalize the cheating by stating that "the kids are too young to understand."
Kids of any age can perceive trauma in a relationship. They might not be able to spell or even pronounce "adultery," but they can most certainly tell when things are amiss. The toxic emotions. The yelling. The icy words. The tremors beneath everyday conversations. Your inexcusable behavior is the fault line upon which their futures are built. And, if they're extremely young, say infants, they won't escape the fallout. They'll grow into adulthood with the knowledge that one of the two people in the world who are supposed to keep them safe at all costs glibly chose to destabilize their home.
2. You are able to compartmentalize
In order to cheat and justify the cheating, most cheaters have to begin by lying -- to themselves. "She'll/he'll never find out." "It was just a kiss." "My partner isn't satisfying my needs."
3. Because you find being a thief acceptable
And that's what you are. The energy that you're putting into the arms and mouth of a stranger is energy that rightly belongs to your wife and children. It is precious. You are a thief. And apparently somewhat okay with this.
4. Because you find risking your wife's heatlh acceptable
You're an adult. You know that STDs can be transmitted just by kissing/oral contact. Herpes and other more deadly diseases (the virus for cervical cancer) can be transmitted orally. You are apparently fine risking your wife's health. The health with which she entrusted YOU and which you promised to guard with your fidelity.
Those are just a few reasons, off the top of my head. I really, strongly suggest you go to
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
for some deeper answers. And individual counseling, in addition to marriage counseling, is also strongly adviseable.
I sincerely hope you start making some good and responsible choices.
Resepectfully
KNH
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It's doomed then... might as well divorce now.
I do agree with Atlantaguy that gay people approach this issue differently than straight people. Perhaps being gay gives us a bit more perspective on marriage and commitment. Since the vast majority of us are not currently allowed to get married, we have to decide for ourselves the values and rules that govern our relationships. We have to negotiate them, and make them explicit.
Monogamy is explicit and implicit in marriage. (It is also explicit and implicit in some gay relationships.) Cary's advice is right on for someone who wants to be faithful to his commitment and is struggling with it.
Some people believe that kissing someone else who is not your spouse is the moral equivalent of intercourse with them. Some people believe that even thinking about kissing someone else is the same. Some people believe that sexual fidelity is the ultimate baseline used to determine the strength of a relationship or value of a marriage.
Knowing that I will be called a "liberal moral relativist" (versus a "conservative moral absolutist?" - And how's that been working out for them lately?) I'd like to think that in my world there is a little more gray area. What matters to me in a relationship? Honesty. Openness. Shared commitment to our relationship. Growing together. Being there for each other "in sickness and in health." (I do get to cherry-pick, as it is my relationship.) Absolute monogamy is not on the list. That is not a deal breaker for me. This is my list. It doesn't represent all gay people, nor certainly married couples. I'm a lot more optimistic about my chances for success in a relationship than I am for a married couple.
It is any person's right to believe in that form of absolute monogamy where kissing someone other than a spouse is grounds for breaking off the relationship or marriage. More power to ya. I'd prefer my relationships to be a little more sturdy and resilient than that. I'd even go so far to say that it is a false idol. I've known of spouses who emotionally abandoned each other while being sexually monogamous. I've seen a spouse abandon another during acute physical illness - literally leaving the spouse lying on the floor helpless - and guess what, still sexually monogamous!
Let's give the idea that kissing or even having sex means so much more than it does. It is a physical act. It can be a sharing of two souls in expressing love. It can also be a form of getting one's rocks off. It can be both, or something in between, and a lot of other things. The vast majority of sex, and infidelity, won't in and of itself produce the devastating life long consequences ascribed to even the nominal kissing this guy has done. Jeez. Get a grip. Drama queens.