Letters to the Editor
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Just Do It
You seem like a lucky guy. Just go with it.
You are wasting too much time and energy trying on this.
Hotel rooms with mini bars and back seats of large black cars sound really fun. Don't stop with kissing. A little guilt will also spice things up. You are going to be dead in another 30 years.
The next morning every thing will be clear.
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Atlantaguy, what rule book are you reading from?
You wrote:
I feel sorry for straight folks. You make sex so complicated. You have one set of rules, roughly as follows:
1) You cannot have sex until you are married;
2) You are married to one person forever;
3) Once married, you cease to be attracted to anyone else.
Huh?
1. Lots of straight people have lots of sex before marriage. That's what gets the fundies so upset.
2.. Married forever? Maybe in the days of yore, but these days there's a little thing called divorce -- ends a marriage in a snap.
3. Not quite. You continue to be attracted to attractive people, you just don't act on it.
You have an open relationship, and if that works for you, that's good. Plenty of straights do the same thing. However, plenty of married people, or gay people in committed relationships, honor their mutual vows of loyalty and are happy with that, too.
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Problem drinking
I wonder if we failed to examine throughly the isssue of problem drinking. As I understand the story the issues of his kissing seem to related to drinking.
There is a continuum of problem drinking, that leads to isolation with the family, loss of self-esteem, depression when the drinker is not intoxicated.
Of course when he is drinking, there is a loss of social inhibition and control, that lowers the barriers for moral behavior.
In the problem drinker, self-denial and rationalization are part of the underlying pathology. In this case I believe its not the fantasies, but the drinking and depression that need to be addressed.
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atlantaguy makes the most sense...
1. scolds and stepford spouses who maintain the instant you are married/engaged that you shalt have no lustful thoughts ever about anyone ever again, nor get bored, nor miss the thrill of new attraction, nor have one stray fantasy that doesn't involve your spousal unit, is so much conventional sophistry and weird prudery divorced from reality and biology...
2. many of the reality-based respondents were asking the more salient, difficult questions which explore the unquestioned 'rules' of monogamy and marraige, but fraidy cats can't allow that conversation, either...
("what the fuck is the matter with you, YOU'RE MARRIED; and you can not have a moment's doubt about your lifelong commitment ! ! ! ...and if you do, your marraige is doomed and you are an immature asshole ! ! !")
3. assuming we don't either blow ourselves up, turn the planet into a desert, or enter a fascist/fundie brave new world, there is no doubt in my mind (as has been ongoing) that relationships and marraiges will mutate and evolve to reflect the new realities of economic and sociological choices available...
art guerrilla
aka ann archy
eof
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kissing is not the problem
The problem is inappropriate socializing with women you work with. Don't go out with them socially; don't regard business trips as a chance to party. Behave, in other words, just like you would if you were conducting business at home.
"What's wrong with you" is that you're a perfectly normal horny human being. If you want to continue to be a happily married perfectly normal horny human being, you need to do what Cary says and steer clear of these situations.
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Open and closed minds (and relationships)
Lying is bad. Betrayal is bad. Lust is human and natural.
In a marriage or any longterm relationship for that matter, the relationship can be really wonderful in the way that two people who know each other wel and care for each other can be very close. But sex changes over time. It is not the hot exciting thing it starts out like because that very exciting newness of discovery changes as you become more familiar. That doesn't mean that the marriage has gone bad. It also doesn't mean that it's wrong to long for that excitement that you can only get with someone new.
It does mean that even the new hot woman will become familiar and not so sizzling if you were to leave your wife for her, which it doesn't sound like you are wanting to do anyway. But I think you get my point. There is an allure to discovering someone new and having someone discover you that can be very compelling.
These are not bad feelings. You are not a bad person for wanting this in your life. The bad part is hiding from and betraying you wife. If the betrayal is part of the excitement then you do have some serous problems and need professional help. But if you're feeling that there are parts of yourself that have not had an opportunity to be expressed that are stimulated by these encounters and that the desire to be able to explore yourself in this way is something you cannot easily give up, then you need to sit down and have an honest talk with your wife.
I can already imagine the thunder of other letter writers at the suggestion that two monogamous people could reach a place were they decide to mutually open themselves to intimacy with other people. There are not many (any?) positive models for this in our culture. Therefore, it is very difficult to do because we are filled with messages about "one and only" when our hearts and minds know this to be otherwise. We live in a culture that accepts serial monogamy, which is full of pain between each relationship, but recoils at the idea of polyamory; openly honestly loving more than one person at the same time. But I think that for many people this is the more natural state, if only it were culturally allowed.
We can love more than one child, more than one pet, more than one friend. Why not more than one lover?
The key here is open, honest communication and considerate behavior with the people you love. This is about respect in the extreme. It doesn't respect a marriage to stuff your feelings and not act on something you really want to do, which is the culturaly acceptable option, because that will cause resentment and become a poison of another kind.
So my advice is a little different. Explore how important the freedom to be intimate with other people is to you, And if you think you would be compromising yourself enough by squelching the behavior to the point of being unhappy and resenting your partner, then I urge you to talk and seek out some resources on polyamory. It's not then end of the world. It can be the beginning of a much more satisfying life.