Letters to the Editor
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What's your problem? You're a P*ssy!
You want to cheat on your wife, but you figure that if you only kiss (and tell Cary and the gang) that you aren't.
You want to have your cake, eat it too, and have us watch and sympathize.
I think you're tired of being good. From your post I get the feeling that you're getting tired of being good when you've always been better at being bad.
A guy friend once said that men collect numbers from women whom they never plan to call. Its just the thrill of pullin' numbers and still having the hotness.
You're doing the same thing by collecting make out sessions. The thing is, now that you're getting away with making out, you have to up the ante, and the next step is a one night stand. And honestly, I don't think you have the emotional maturity to keep some prolonged affair going, but until your wife catches you, you're cheating one kiss and make out session at a time.
Normally I'd hope your wife finds out and dumps you, but I just have this feeling that a small portion of the reason that you are so arrogantly and brashly cheating is because she lets you get away with a lot. You fantasize, but don't really plan on cheating (which I'm sure is your safety net if caught). It takes a lot of hubris to engage in free fall cheating.
Instead, I hope she never finds out and you don't give her some social disease.
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Married for fifteen years--here's how we handle it.
First of all, to the earlier poster, who said that the LW's marriage must not be that great, if he's fantasizing about other women, I call bullshit on that!
I've been happily married for 15 years: great sex life, wonderful emotional support, beautiful son, no big financial worries--really content. But a couple of years ago, I met an attractive, flirtatious guy while working on a short-term project. I was flattered because nobody other than my husband had paid much attention to me for the last ten years, and it was nice to feel like someone else was attracted to me. By the time the project was over, I couldn't stop thinking about this guy, obsessively fantasizing about kissing him.
This shook me up, because I'm really in love with my husband. I felt guilty that I was thinking about this other guy constantly, but really it had nothing at all to do with my husband. My husband was far sexier and more attractive than the Flirt, but the Flirt was new and triggered some desire in me that I didn't even realize I had.
But it was torture, because I knew how hurt my husband would be, if I ever acted on my feelings, or even if he knew the extent of my feelings. (I did gently let my husband know that I was going through this, but I downplayed my obsession considerably.)
I made a decision that I didn't want to ruin my marriage over something so fleeting, and I slowly worked my way out of my obsession. I maintained minimal contact with the Flirt (which was easy, since the project was over), and forced myself to start thinking more realistic thoughts about this guy (such as he's kind of an asshole to his own wife) everytime I began to fantasize about falling in love with him. Now, three years later, I'm working on another project with the Flirt, but I don't feel nearly as vulnerable and we are on friendly terms.
By the way, my decision to purge this Flirt from my heart, was made easier by the fact that my husband and I devote a lot of energy to our sex life, communicating about our deep, dark desires, and acting out each other's fantasies.
I suggest you get a sitter for the kids, reserve a night at a nice hotel, go have a drink in the hotel bar, and meet a new woman (your wife in a sexy new dress and lingerie.) You can both pretend to be married to other people, and then head upstairs for a "one-night stand."
I know it sounds silly, but it works for us.
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You are not happily married!
I read this letter and Cary's response and couldn't help feeling like this was me about 10 years ago - same situations, same feelings...
The simple fact is that if you are happy you don't kiss other women! If you are truly happy even the thought of kissing women other than your wife is basically disgusting. If you are truly happy you don't get into situations where kissing is even an option. I know - I was there - did it all - eventually I didn't stop with just a kiss.
I finally woke up one morning and admitted to myself that I was not happy and that I needed to change my life. I tried, unsuccessfully, to save my "happy" marriage, but couldn't - staying married would have just prolonged the fantasy that I was "happy". I got help - lots and lots of counseling to understand what was going on in my life, read books, talked to people in really happy marriages and then met the woman of my dreams.
Six years later I am indescribably happy and of course, never, ever in a million years would kiss other women - the thought is just not even on the radar screen for me and this is why I know that I am truly happy. It took forever to get to this place but now life could not really get much better. So Serial Kisser, if you are reading this post, face the facts about your marriage and know too that when you are finally truly happy that it is an amazing gift and you'll not want to share it with anyone else!
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Stop with the "biological imperative" bs already, as it applies equally to women screwing around.
Yes, there are just as many biologists who argue that women are programmed to be promiscuous and to be inseminated by multiple males so that the strongest sperm wins.
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Thank you, Cary.
The advice says it all. How atypically unequivocal, how simple and true ... perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself.