Letters to the Editor
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dear abby
often suggests to her letter writers that they show her response column to the subjects. If you agree with Cary that your kid needs a little "shock therapy," I'm sure all the wonderful responses telling you what an enabler you are and what a whiny loser your son is will give him something to think about, if not just turn his ears bright red. Sometimes the truth is harsh but actually does the trick. (Or it can backfire.)
On a more serious note, I've read that this phenomenon is supposed to be common in Japan among young men. They stop going to school and stay home playing video games. At least your son sounds a lot more mature than that. My suggestion is to not make this an either/or type separation. After he moves out, have him over regularly, and let him know you're there for him (easy for me to say, I know). Eventually, he'll be standing on his own two feet - or he won't. But you'll never know until you try. Good luck.
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Good Answer, Cary
I can't imagine why she hasn't thrown him out yet. The man is 30; he's taking advantage of his mother's attachment. They'll both be much healthier when he's out of her house.
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Why hasn't she thrown him out?
Because there is nothing more agonizing than to have the child you bore scream at you that he hates you and you are a nasty, evil bitch. The small ongoing pain of having him leech off you is less horrible than the large momentary pain of the fight when you tell him to get out. That's all. It will be horrible.
Look, LW - you must not cave. Don't apologize, grovel, give in, back down, etc. no matter what he threatens or promises. Tell him he needs to do it for his own good, as well as yours. Don't promise he can come back in six months if it doesn't work out.
Have a friend (or therapist) you can turn to during the before and after, so you can have someone to call up and dump on. Especially if you have been using your son as a "best friend" you will need to find other outlets for shoulders to cry on, griping about your day or getting some support, at least during this separation process.
Good luck. He needs this change as much as you do.
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What is the worst part of all this for you?
That he is costing you money?
That he "refuses to grow up"?
That he spends all whatever money he has on himself?
That he has no chance to form a pair-bond while he lives in your house?
That you feel like a sucker?
Or that you secretly find glad he's there, and you wonder about your own motives?
As far as the financial relationship goes: be blunt. Tell him that you two won't be able to continue this arrangement because you can't afford it. If he can't contribute to the cost of the house and housekeeping, he will have to leave. And tell him you mean with actual money, as opposed to tangible things that you might otherwise pay for, such as landscaping, painting the house, and hanging the storm windows.
One thing you might want to consider is how Americans used to handle this in generations past, and the way families handle it in Europe. If you study census records taken before the 1930s and Social Security, you'll see that single men stayed with their parents well into their 30s and beyond, especially when there was a family business enterprise of some kind, or when the mother was a widow. Sons stayed until they married and set up their own home, often even moving the new wife into the family home.
It wasn't considered weird or dependent. It was considered to be how you provided for your family. The other thing that those censuses reveal is something called the workhouse or the "county hospital", where elderly women who had no families ended their days. It's only by today's standards, and American standards, that it's considered somehow wrong for men to stay living in the home they were raised in.
So my best advice is to do a bit of research in exactly why this bothers you so much, and what other ways to handle it are. Would you feel better if he actually paid half your expenses? Or is "kicking him out of the nest" going to be the only way you think you can make a psychological break? Why is it okay in so many other cultures for children to remain with their parents if they want once they hit adulthood, but in this one they have to get their own place or they are failures?
I'd say decide what you really want. Give him a copy of the letter you wrote. Discuss it at a restaurant where he won't make a public scene. And take the path that is best for
you
, not what someone who's never met you advises - myself included.
Most importantly, save for retirement, whether your son lives with you or not.
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Dependent on mom
I’m in my 20s, and a surprising number of my friends still live with their parents. Many of them moved back in after college, in order to save money while they worked their first job. They want to move out, but it’s so tempting to stay a bit longer, saving hundreds of dollars each month.
My impression is that my friends like living at home, but they also hate it. They love saving money on rent and food, but they hate being asked to do chores, being monitored by mom and dad, and generally feeling like a kid when they should be living independently. Some parents push these buttons constantly, while other parents are laid back and easy to live with.
You might have more success if you pushed his buttons a little more. There must be some part of him that dislikes being dependent on his mother. Perhaps if you find ways to remind him that he is failing at life, he will feel frustrated enough to leave.
As for finances, I have two pieces of advice:
1. He might not need a roommate. I make $18,000 per year in an expensive city, and I managed to find a one bedroom apartment that I can afford. It’s a small apartment, and it wasn’t easy to find. But it can be done. And if your son, like me, finds roommates to be extremely stressful, this might be the best option. Even a studio can be better than sharing a space with a stranger.
2. Urge him to stay out of debt. Many of my 20-something friends (raised on privilege) expected to maintain the same standard of living once they started supporting themselves…. wrong. My friends believe they “need” cable, they “need” to order takeout 3 nights a week, and they “need” new clothes, movies, whatever. They can’t seem to comprehend a life without these things, so they charge it all to credit cards.
It sounds like your son is used to a nice standard of living, since you have paid for food and shelter, while he spends his money on stuff that he wants. When he moves out, he won’t be able to pay for that stuff anymore. This might make him feel deprived, but if he doesn’t like it, he needs to get a better job.
Once he moves out, your son may call you, anxious and upset, because he doesn't have enough money. Do NOT give in. He is probably spending too much on non-essential items. And even if that isn't the problem, it's HIS problem, and he needs to learn how to support himself.