Letters to the Editor
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Note that the LW was up front with her husband about Judaism
She is Jewish, she wanted to raise her kids Jewish, and she informed him of all of that. He knew this when he signed up. This was the deal. If he didn't like it, he could have refrained from marrying her, he could have pressed harder to insist that his children be raised as atheists (which, incidentally, is not at all incompatible with Judaism), he could have insisted that she renounce her Judaism if she wants to marry him. He did not.
I don't think she should force him to go to the synagogue if he doesn't want to; but if he goes, he should cover his head. It doesn't mean anything except a gesture of respect appropriate for a synagogue. It doesn't mean you're Jewish.
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Drop the yarmulke
I can't believe this - the letter writer's husband has agreed to assisted reproduction using another man's sperm, yet she's mad at him because he won't wear a yarmulke!
I am a Jewish woman, married to an atheist who was raised in another faith. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to attend High Holiday or any other services. Furthermore, we have attended weddings and bar mitzvahs together at Reform synagogues in several states, and there has never been any problem with the fact that he does not wear a yarmulke. Why in the world would anyone care or even notice? Find another synagogue or leave him at home!
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why so many anonymice?
interesting, there aren't when discussions involve religious issues about atheists, protestants, catholics or moslems. nor political issues such as bush, iraq or iran or even the israeli palestinian one. furthermore hardly any of these opinions could ever be considered inflammatory. it's a proof of what i said on pg 16. these jews are really afraid of being jewish. it's like they are whispering, don't tell the children. don't worry, you will be the last of that great chain.
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Head or Tail
Dear Cary,
I don't have the time
to read all the suggestions
you received
to solve the infertility
but wearing a yarmulka
acts as a barrier
My suggestion is to wear it
but on the back of the head
instead of the front
Alex
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Maybe the husband isn't the target...
I think a lot of the respondants are missing a subtle nuance of Jewish culture here - the synagogue that the woman is going to is at best Conservative. By him not wearing the yarmulke, he's not just announcing he's not Jewish, he's announcing that she's married to someone non-Jewish. The synagogue doesn't know that they've agreed to raise their children Jewish. Maybe they haven't.
In many synagogues, some people will assume that gives them a license to make sure that she's 'doing the right thing' and the behavior such people will display is often abhorent. They're not being intrusive because of themselves, but because they're trying to save Judaism. They're not trying to make her husband uncomfortable - they're trying to make her uncomfortable about her decisions in life.
The LW should find a synagogue, probably of a liberal reform or reconstructionist bent, that accepts such decisions rather than trying to force the synagogues of her birth or her husband to come to terms. Probably contacting the Union for Reform Judaism is a good place to start.
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the yarmulke thing
I think the husband is being a jerk about the yarmulke thing. If you agree to go somewhere that has a particular custom attached to it, you do the custom. It's not a big deal, just a sign of respect. Like when you go to a Jewish wedding--the men, Jewish or not, are often offered yarmulkes and it's a nice gesture to put one on. End of story.
Refusing to wear one as a guest in someone else's place of worship reminds me of when I was an asshole health freak and refused to eat the food my grandmother had prepared because it had refined flour in it or something. It is an insult to the host to refuse the customs of the house in which you are a guest.
The synagogue is not asking the husband to do anything that would compromise him in any profound way; his sense of meaningful compromise is his own invention, his own application of meaning to a little piece of cloth. I also attached inappropriate meaning to certain baked goods; to me they represented a dangerous poison and an insult to the body. Turns out they were just sweet things my grandmother wanted to share with me, just pie.
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husband won't wear yarmulke? Go Reform
I'll only respond to one part of this woman's letter because the solution is so easy....has she never heard of Reform Judaism? The largest and most liberal branch of Judaism? Not only would her husband NOT be expected to wear a kippah, (as the option is completely up to each individual), but they would be totally welcomed as an interfaith couple.
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struggling on too many fronts...
is often a sign (from God, maybe?) that you are not a match with your mate. While this opinion will likely make me the most reviled reader of "Since you asked...", if the the lw digs deep in her soul she knows it's true. Marriages where one has faith and the mate is so blatantly disrespectful of the faith are in for a lot of pain. If and when the lw does have children, she is kidding herself that there will be any support for the practice of Judaism in her home from her current spouse, and consequently her family's Jewish identity will be lost forever.
While this does not make her spouse a bad person, it just means that he is the wrong person for her. I speak from experience on all of the fronts with which she struggles. All these problems fell away once I made the painful decision to end the relationship, and the struggles ended. I found someone with whom I had shared values, got married, remarkably became pregant right away and had a baby. We are now looking forward to his christening. Once there ARE children, one should do whatever it takes to keep the marriage intact. As sad as it may sound, I think lw should end this marriage and seek a partner with more similar beliefs.