Letters to the Editor
-
Moved to tears
This is the first time where your advice has moved me to tears. I do started with the problem-solving in my head -- who to call, what to try, etc. But you are 100% right. She knows all of that already. She just needs 'be wrapped in strong arms and cry it all out'. Being strong in the moment is a fantastic skill to have, but it wears you out and wears you down. Her Moment has been going on for years. She just needs a break.
Good job!
-
The Daggers of the Crowd
Back in the 70s, my extremely socialist boyfriend and I went to a baseball game. He loved baseball, but he detested the U.S. government our "involvement" in Vietnam to his soul. When the crowd stood to sing the National Anthem, he refused to either stand or sing, and I went along with him as the supportive girlfriend. BUT I will never forget the stares, the disgust, and the not-at-all-muted words around me: "What did they come to the game for if they're not going to stand?" "They should just leave."
To deliberately non-participate in a tradition that a crowd cherishes is a VERY unpleasant experience. I suspect LW doesn't want to have one like that.
-
LW, you really have to listen to a jew about this, christians just don't understand
if your parents are christian and you don't believe, you aren't a christian. if moslem, you are an apostate. jews? you're still jewish. half are atheists. same with kippahs, *all* jews think they are silly, meaningless, but still wear them. jews are a people. a destroyed people. but still a people. since the holocaust, half the american jews wish to run as fast as they can from this danger. they invent all sorts of ways to cut that link. you can see all the ways in these letters. (the best example was genseng's friends (pg 13). the intermarried jewish woman adopted a ukranian child, they are going to teach both traditions. what? judaism and antisemitsm?) we lose half in each generation. in a few more years only the orthodox will be left. unfortunate. the atheist jews were the best. cary gave the correct response, but too subtly. "you aren't in charge. leave." to expound on that. your husband's only good point is he's rich (IVF is expensive - and you don't have to work. so he keeps you as his sex toy and does whatever he pleases). cary suggests a "retreat" i will give another suggestion. you have a family. borrow some money. go to israel. get knocked up (just use looks and manner as your guide - god will help you). have a happy life away from this broken guy (broken soul, broken sperm). i know i am harsh. i want you to listen. and not to these self-genociders. finally a shout out to "in the woods"(pg 7), i'll have to take my wife to "Wondrous Oblivion". she's jamaican. i said judaism is important to me and asked her to convert. she, like Ruth, said yes. we did it orthodox. at the time i only thought of halacha and that my black children would be considered jewish by israel. but later experience showed that men have to convert too (who obeys halacha?). reform or reconstructionist are easier, yes, but they are really branches of the Universalist Unitarian Church - all sanctimony, no belief. we have a really happy marriage (25 years) with three wonderful atheist jewish children.
-
Resolve this before you have kids
My former SIL was a Catholic who agreed to raise her children as Jews. But when they were born, she and her sister secretly baptized the kids (it was a personal ceremony done at home, but they used holy water blessed in a Catholic church). Clearly, my SIL had been pressured into agreeing to raise her kids as Jews and this was her passive aggressive way of protesting.
If the yarmulke is an issue between the LW and her husband now, wait until they have kids. How will the husband feel when his son asks "Why is this night different from all other nights?" How will the wife feel when the husband explains to their daughter that all of that stuff about the cranky old man in the sky is a bunch of crap?
The LW and her husband need to slow down the baby making train and have a long discussion about their values and how they want to raise their kids. It would be a disaster to bring a child into the middle of this conflict. If they can't resolve it, it would be better to part without starting a family.
-
inter faith marriage
You have to balance the love and respect for your partner with what are very closely held beliefs (or disbeliefs). On a normal day it's difficult; with fertility/health issues thrown in I can only imagine how hard it must be. Some suggestions:
1. You say that you found a good community to help women with fertility issues. Make sure that your husband finds help too.
2. Let him know that you appreciate his support in coming to services.
3. Give him the option of coming and wearing the yarmulke or staying home...without guilt. There is no shame in him choosing to not participate, he is NOT a Jew. If this is troubling to you, you need to decide if you can stay in your marriage (before you go any farther in having children). If you cannot accept your husband's lack of religious belief, you need to be mature about it and deal. (Your "whatever" was very condescending btw.)
4. If people at temple give you a hard time, you need to find a new temple. If your husband chooses to come, he's got to follow the rules.
5. If he chooses to stay home and you are okay with that, find some other way to spend time supporting each other. It sounds lke rituals have meaning to you. Especially in the bad times they can be comforting. Find something to do together, that compromises neither of you. A walk together, rubbing each other's backs, feeding the ducks, Sunday breakfast in bed. A time to reflect and talk. Pick something and make that YOUR family ritual.
My vague (Reformed) memory of the yarmulke for non-Jews is that it is just a sign of respect and not one of belief or committment to the covenant. My husband always liked it because it made him feel invited and welcome even though he's not a Jew. That is very different than Christian/Catholic rituals like taking communion, crossing yourself, reciting the Nicene creed, or kneeling during prayer. Things that non-baptized/non-Christian attendees are NOT asked of and in some cases prohibited from taking part in.
My husband asks me to accompany him to church about 3 times a year. I was raised Jewish (barely) but am a non-believer. But I know that it means a lot to him to have me there with him. I dress appropriately, I stand and sit when I'm supposed to. I shake hands with my neighbors when that part comes around. I normally drown out the words and try to stay awake. I think about the love that I have for my husband and how he supports my needs and so I should return that support. Just like I promised to do in my marriage vows, which I do happen to believe in. Strangely enough I feel like a more forgiving and loving person, which I guess is what most people go to church for. If that doesn't work, I compose my grocery list in my head, take note of the hideous fashion choices by some of the parishioners, and make silly faces at any babies or small children near me. Afterwards I make my husband reward my support with brunch and mimosas.