Letters to the Editor
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re: kansasgirl and that neon sign
I'm not sure what your home church is like, but at my church, it's understood that people often refuse Communion for various reasons, including being spiritually troubled, and having a cold which you don't want to share with others. (Remember the bit where it says not to take Communion when you're in the middle of an unresolved fight with someone?)
In any case, it's considered extremely rude to pay attention to whether or not others receive Communion on any given day.
I'm not sure whether knowing this will help you cease feeling like you have a neon sign on your head (and you know your church members better than I do, maybe they really are spending the entire service thinking about you) but I thought it was worth pointing out.
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Let the religious stuff go
LW: sorry about your fertility problems, I hope they are resolved, but also, please remember that there are many children in this world without families to take care of them and you could adopt one of them, which is one of the most wonderful things a person or a couple can do. (And you don't even have to spend thousands and go to China: there are many children right here in the US who need families, many of them are not newborns or not "perfect" but they still need love. Okay, lecture over.)
On the other issue: from how you speak of your religious "faith" it sounds like you have a typical Jewish syndrome. I am speaking from experience as an "ethnic Jew" who has totally given up on religion: I no longer describe myself as Jewish because I am an atheist and I am tired of Jews continuing to describe themselves as an ethnic group in the 21st century, it is time to get over this and if you are not genuinely religious (and it sounds like you are not if you question the existence of a god on which this entire religion is based) then just continuing to be "Jewish" for the "cultural" stuff is hypocritical. This is just my take on things. I married a non-Jew, the two of us are atheists, and we are raising our three children without any religion at all.
But my point is this: religion seems to be only marginally important to you and you enjoy it for its cultural and familial aspects, okay: so why does your husband even have to go to synogogue with you? Why can't he just sit out the family visit to the synagogue completely, and stay home keeping the food warm and setting the table, waiting for the family to come back to the sabbath or holiday meal, or whatever, rather than force himself (or have you force him) to spend his time at a religious service that has no value for him.
What I'm saying here is: resolve your own issues with your own religion, but let your husband off the hook. He is clearly trying to assert some control here by refusing to wear the kippah: just tell him it is FINE with you that he doesn't come at all. Problem solved.
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Yep...
>It certainly sounds as though the LW's Jewishness is more a matter of style than substance. She's more concerned about how her husband looks to the rest of the congregation than she is about understanding the core tenets of her faith.<
...which means she's not doing right by her husband or her faith, ironically enough. I'm wondering if she drifted from her faith/its lifestyle; married husband while "away"; then decided that it was time to "get respectable" and conform to the only idea of wife/motherhood she knew.
>She is conflating religion and community, while he seems to view belief in God as separate from community.<
Eheheh. This is a perfect summation of one of the main differences between blue and red states. In many red-state areas, religion and community are a package deal--you don't get to participate in one without the other. And if that is the only game in town, well...
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Maybe you are meant to have children in another way.
My best friend and her husband have just adopted their second son. I can't claim to have experienced the pain of infertility that you guys have, but I have seen it in her life, and I am so pleased to report that they have come out the other side with these two gorgeous boys that needed a better shot at life than they would otherwise have gotten. Maybe a path like this is meant for you? Maybe it's something you can explore? Your synagogue may be able to put you in touch with an adoption agency that could just give you some information to consider, while you are caring for yourself and your husband and strengthening your marriage.
As to the yarmukle issue, perhaps your husband can stay home this year and participate in other ways. Can he be cooking the holiday feast while you are at services? You can share the "family time" part of this occasion without forcing him to conform to a belief system that he has trouble with.
Best of luck and big hugs to you!
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You are both in the wrong
What the title says.
LW, you say that your religion and culture are important to you--enough to drag your non-believer, non-Jew husband to a synagogue (a pointless endeavour if there ever was one)--but you married a non-Jew. There is fundamental dishonesty in that. You are free to love your faith and to marry someone who does; but if you DON'T, if you marry a person who is not Jewish, you don't try to make a Jew out of him! That's having your cake and eating it, too--you want to marry whom you want to marry, but you want them to fit the profile required by your family or community. Now, there are some who will convert willingly--that's perfectly fine, of course. But it does not appear that your husband has, or ever will.
I sympathize with you, actually, as I am a Jewish woman dating a non-Jewish man. But before I ever undertook such a step, however, I had to mentally let go of the "Judaism is important to me/my kids will ever only be Jewish." First, if Judaism is THAT important to you, marry a Jew. Second, the spouse has the same right to bring up the kids as whatever he wants, as you do. Third, no religion or upbringing is inferior to another. Right?
Now as to the husband. The fact is, he is a militant enough atheist to make an issue of wearing a yarmulke--but he will humor you and go into a service? Obviously, he's not that much of an atheist and is making a point just to make a point. Which, forgive me, tells me that both that he is very contrary and that he is not very smart. It is customary to wear a yarmulke in a synagogue: to flauntingly refuse to do it disrespects both the house and the person who brought him there (you). Or, perhaps, it's his passive-aggressive way of telling you that he wants to be no part of your Jewish heritage.
Advice-wise? I am sure, for myself, that your husband's refusal to wear a yarmulke has nothing whatsoever to do with your inability to have babies. Whether you would agree with me is questionable, but nobody on this board can convince you of it. If this were me? If a person is contrary enough to purposely disrespect any establishment where I choose to bring him, it will be the first and last time I bring him there. So there. I would just not take him/invite him to the synagogue with me. It's not worth it.
Good luck to you in reconciling what you are with what you want.