Letters to the Editor
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god isn't the half of it
men wear a kippah when they go to a synagogue. end of story.
if a man of a different faith (anglican, baptist, pagan, whatever) were to go into a synagogue he would wear a kippah. because it doesn't matter what he believes, its about respect. and it is natural for people to expect others to respect their practices when someone willingly enter their place of worship. if he has respect for you and respect for you religion he will wear a kippah. or he will stay home.
this sounds harsh, but i am also an athiest. i find the concept of god illogical, archaic, corrupted and superstitious. harsh perhaps, but these are my beliefs and i respect the fact that other people do not share them. when my friends or family who do believe in god ask me to participate in their faith (namely by attending church) i participate out of respect for that person and the importance their religion plays in their lives.
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But remember this is Salon
I wonder if LW complained about not being allowed to come up to the Bima because she's a woman you'd be all tolerant. No you'd probably be yelling your usual screed about fundamentalism, patriarchy, evil Joooos, etc etc etc etc. No if you peel back most of the comments here it's a kind of crypto patronizing. As if you're so smart and only you know it's all a joke so why not. I detect almost no actual respect here.
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why must he go with you?
Places of worship are for people who believe in God. Let him stay home while you go with your brother. You need not spend the entire holiday in religious activities - in fact it would be rude. Part of marrying someone who doesn't belong to your religion is compromise. Spend part of the day doing whatever things he would like to do.
That he doesn't want to wear the kippah and it's required is a sign that he does not belong there. The place is not for him. It's reserved for men who believe in showing respect in a synagogue by covering their heads. The holiday is not for him either; it's for people who believe in the meaning behind it. To your atheist husband your high holy days are only special because they are special to you.
It doesn't seem unreasonable to me for him to refuse to cover his head; however, it's unreasonable for him to expect to attend with his head uncovered. I won't enter a church or mosque where women are required to cover their heads. This, to me, is a good sign that I don't belong there. I can choose not to participate, but it's not up to me to make them change their beliefs.
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He must respect her beliefs...
Even though she doesn't respect his?
If a Catholic man wrote in because his Jewish wife doesn't bless herself during Mass, what would the reaction be? Would people call her a stubborn bitch? Tell her to get over herself? "When in Rome..."?
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You say Tomato
Tradiationally he is right... wearing of such caps outside of one's faith is contrary to Jewish tradition and the inverse would also be true. You'd have to speak to an Orthodox Rabbi, all of whom probably do not agree. It is true however that when you go to the Wailing Wall, everyone must wear the Kippah. I wonder if he would turn down the chance to see the such a religious and historical icon on this little principle of his?
I personally think you are ashamed to be at a service with everyone knowing your husband is not Jewish, whcih is pretty petty. Why does he have to go to the damn service. Just leave him at home. Lots of families exist like this, including at least two of my childhood friends' families.
Anyway, this is a stupid and petty debate the author has tried to make sound more dire by dropping mention of the miscarriages. Far more interesting:
"The zucchetto (Italian for "small gourd") of the Roman Catholic Church is based on a very old kippah design. The cap is traditionally worn by clergy members ...
.....during the early days of the Inquisition it was also a most useful tool for identifying Jews: Catholic clerics have always removed the zucchetto in the presence of their superiors, while Jews will never remove or doff their kipot. Furthermore, the Catholic laity may not wear a skullcap, while all Jews may wear one."
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Otherness
On the one hand, all of the people who've said that wearing the yarmulke is a sign of respect toward other people and compare it to following similar conventions in churches, mosques, etc. as tourists have a point.
On the other hand, going to a mosque or a cathedral in a foreign country as a tourist, or visiting one at home with a friend as a one-time thing, is very different from the LW's husband's situation. In the first two situations, one is acutely aware of his otherness and non-belonging, and that's fine because he doesn't belong there and there's no illusion on anybody's part that he does. In this case, Judaism is a permanent fixture in this man's life. Because of his family ties he may feel like he does (or should) belong at the synagogue. His not wearing the yarmulke signals to everyone else that he doesn't belong. But perhaps for him wearing it, and feeling something unfamiliar sitting on top of his head the entire time he's there, is a constant, physical reminder to him of his otherness and non-belonging. Maybe he feels that if he could just go in as himself, he would be better able to feel like he belongs.
I'm a non-Jewish agnostic in a serious relationship with a Jew, and I've recently been talking to my Jewish friends about what I need to wear to be correctly dressed at his cousin's wedding. So, I'd wear the yarmulke. To me, it's just a matter of respect, but the fact that it means more to the LW's husband means that there's a larger issue there. The fact that this relatively small detail has become a big issue means they have deeper issues about identity to work out-- and before they have any children.
Also, as some other people have pointed out, I don't think the LW should discount how hard the infertility has been on her husband. What does it say about his "manhood" (I think it's a silly concept but maybe he doesn't) that his sperm are defective? How does it make him feel that he can't give her something she wants so badly? Probably powerless and guilty; maybe he's wondering if it's even right for them to be married because he can't be what she wants. He knows that if she had married a Jew with good sperm she'd probably be pretty happy right now, and instead she has all this pain-- that must make him feel pretty shitty. And on top of that she can't just accept that he doesn't want to wear a hat? Perhaps that leaves him feeling: is there anything about me that is right for her?