Letters to the Editor
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wow, cary, way to punt.
Normally I am a huge fan, but I feel like you totally blew off this poor woman's question.
LW, here is my advice since Cary didn't really give you any (take it for what you will, I'm not religious nor particulalry qualified to answer): tell your husband that he is welcome to uphold his principles but he will not do it in a synagogue. It's rude to go to a place of worship and not observe the customs of the people in that place. It has nothing to do with belief or not belief, it's about respecting the beliefs of others. I really see this as an issue of respect. For example, I would not wear a t-shirt with a political slogan (that I agreed with) that would be offensive to my parents. Not because by not wearing it I would be indicating that I agree with them, but because I don't see the value in deliberately making people feel disrespected, uncomfortable and judged. For the record, I don't think your husband is wrong. I just don't think that he has the right to make that statement in a house of worship.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing pain from your infertility. Hopefully you can find some peace with that as well.
Take care.
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Theology or manners?
Having been there, I'm very sorry about what you've had to go with infertility. Is it possible that you are stressing out about the religion thing maybe as a way of diverting yourself from the worry of never having kids, or having to go through the agony of miscarriage again? I do have to say it is often hard to raise a kid when there is not a shared belief system or shared culture between the parents, but people do it all the time and seem to rise to the occasion, so I have no doubt that you will as well. It seems like there is love and trust between you, at least from the way you write about your relationship.
Now, about the kippah thing: is it possible that your husband could be brought to understand that his wearing such a thing could be construed as polite gesture rather than a declaration of belief? I mean, I know why believers cover their heads, but he's not one, so instead of reinforcing a belief in God, his gesture would be to respect their belief and their space while he's there supporting you. If there's no God, who cares if he wears a kippah? Other people, that's who. It's about them, and most of all, it's about his desire to share this very important aspect of your life, which it seems he can only do while covering his head.
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kippah
Your husband is being a jerk. He apparently feels the need to make an in your face statement to those worshipping around him that HE doesn't this shit. Why? Conceit perhaps, or passive aggression towards you? I dunno, but perhaps you do.
There is no valid "principle" here. What is the skin off an atheist's nose to respectfully don a kippah out of respect to those he is with who are worshipping. What, is it going to ruin his atheist cred in his atheist hang out - "Dude, I saw you wearing a yarmulke; that means you believe - nah nah na nah nah." He's not living up to his premarital commitment to you by standing on a phony "principle." That's how I see it, for what little it may be worth.
Been there on the infertility thing. Finally lucked out and now have a 6 year old daughter. I wish you the same blessing. Hang in there.
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Has your husband done any traveling in Europe?
He must have noticed that when visiting cathedrals that are also tourist attractions, people are often asked to dressed in a particular way. No shorts, women are asked to cover arms, and even sometimes asked to wear a scarf. It's a gesture of respect, not a circumcision at the door.
I liked Cary's answer, even though it wasn't very to-the-point. Maybe it was the actually more useful that way, though, since I suspect your husband will continue to be wrongheaded about this. Best wishes to you.
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edit
in the first sentence:
doesn't BELIEVE this shit
funny how even rereading a post before submitting your eyes and mind can skip right over those things.
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Compromise With A Different Hat
Speaking (OK, typing) as a fellow atheist, I have to say that while I understand the point made above about manners, I also understand that symbols are important and it is all too common for atheists to be bullied into being invisible. So can't you and your husband compromise on the headcovering issue? Why does he have to wear a kippah/yarmulke?
- It is important to you that he attend religious services with you.
- It is important to your co-religionists that he cover his head while doing so.
- It is important to him that he make a clear statement that while he is attending a religious service to be with his family he is not himself religious.
It seems to me that all bases could be covered if he attended services with you and covered his head with some other, neutral, kind of hat, not a kippah/yarmulke, but something else that has no religious significance or history, but could signal the fact that your husband is respecting your religious practices and those of your co-worshippers while also signaling the fact that he is not of your religion, and does not believe in any sort of god.
Then you two can go off on that retreat Cary talked about.
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the subtext
Perhaps the LW could look for a Reconstructionist congregation in her area? I'm Jewish and was raised attending a Reconstructionist shul in the midwest, and I don't recall anyone getting bent out of shape about whether a man wore a yarmulke or not. There were a lot of mixed marriages, and everyone was quite accepting.
In the town where I live now in the northeast, there is a Reconstructionist congregation I attend on the high holidays. It is also quite casual in dress code.
It seems to me, though, that there is an interesting subtext to this letter. My husband's sperm is weird and he is not my religion = I'm having trouble conceiving.
LW, I'm going to agree with Cary on this one. Accept who you have chosen. Of course it would be a nice gesture if your husband wore a yarmulke, but maybe it feels the same to him as kneeling in church might feel to me. You could suggest a more fun hat, one that your husband might like to wear, but when it comes to God, what can we do but allow everyone their own belief system?
You probably know better than anyone that the religion and kippa issue is a smokescreen for the bigger issue. I think as long as you continue to feel in some kind of opposition with your husband, you are going to have trouble conceiving. Do as Cary suggests, take care of yourself, find peace in yourself, meditate, pray, do yoga, whatever, to achieve a calm acceptance of the curious form your soul mate has taken in this life.
Many of my friends have despaired over their inability to carry a pregnancy to full term. The drugs they took to help them conceive made them even more emotional (and they'd be the first to say so). But ALL of these people have found ways to create families. Honor the mystery of your union with your husband. Your family will come, too!