Letters to the Editor
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For cryin' out loud...
Why do people still think that having a baby is an automatic "marriage band-aid?" Illusions die hard, for sure...
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TM you are not asking the right question
Your brother is not an asshole for leaving his wife with a 5 month old baby. He may be an asshole if he left his wife because he does not want to face the responsiblity of a baby and marriage.
IOW, the problem is not that he left but WHY he left.
I am curious if in the past you went through a similar situation where your brother run away from his responsiblities?
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MYOB (you haven't even crossed the pond to see the baby you love so much)
If the breakup was "mutually agreed upon" how is it all your brother's fault? Doesn't the woman have some say in her own destiny? She chose to move on. So that was her preference.
Why the histronics? You haven't even bothered to visit this baby, so why are you inserting yourself into the middle of it? A little weird.
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The Psychologist who was very instrumental in developing the child custody thinking and resulting changes in custody and divorce laws
wow, she must be really powerful, to have successfully lobbied 51 different legislatures. Not sure she came to my state though....what was her name again?
lol
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She has found that, by every statistical measure, the children of parents who chose to stay together in "unhappy" marriages did better (lower divorce rate,
well "she" (playing along that such a person exists) obviously doesn't know anything about math or statistics since everyone knows that choosing to not divorice always lowers the divorce rate!!! LOL!~That proves nothing but that the person who made up that "statistic" doesn't have a very good grasp of basic mathematics!
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Yep, he's an asshole
For once, I can get 100% behind brightstar on this one.
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5 months is not enough time
Maybe give it a little longer. AT 5 months, everyone is seriously sleep-deprived and not able to make sane decisions. Why not focus on the baby a little longer and give yourself a year to get resettled before making such a life-altering decision.
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SHE BETTER GET CHILD SUPPORT
Legally, that is, court-ordered payment. Don't wait for handouts from the brother, get it done legally.
Boy, if this isn't proof that kids kill marriages!
Not that this was a marriage. 15 years of playing house is just that, it's not a marriage.
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READ the letter
No, to the poster who said she'll assume LW is a woman. HE said "I became an uncle."
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the baby made it more clear that they were not compatible
that might be fair if they'd only been together a few years, or months! but they've been together 15 years.
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The asshole gene
Oh man, LW, are you sure you don't have sisters because maybe we just missed each other on the stairs between meals and family fights?
The most interesting aspect of your letter is big bro's "No way this doesn't make me look like an asshole." He's the one to claim the title. So, insert the fancy codependency math here and end up asking "why does he want to cement the fact 'Dad was an asshole' in his son's head' at age five months?" Maybe because the love he feels for his little family is so huge and his fear of failing them without meaning to a la your own father is so overwhelming that is easier to just scuttle his place in their hearts with a deliberate betrayal? Perhaps you might ask him what he's afraid would happen if he should stay and be the father who has no idea how to be a father? (Hint: finally admit the terror and ask for help.)
The above process is what my family calls Thanksgiving Dinner. November is a-coming. Damn it. Every freaking year. Family.
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not an asshole-- the word is >>trapped<<
first, this was not a marriage-- there was no commitment >>for better or worse.<<
second, this relationship had already run out of gas. when the foetus appeared as an unexpected passenger, only the woman had the power and the right to kick it off the bus. she didn't. by law the brother was a bystander to this decision-- or lack of. at the least he will still owe child support payments for the next 18 years. at best he will play some role in the kid's life. a sorry situation.
the question is, why do you want to think of him as an asshole? you're such a distant figure yourself you haven't even flown out to see the kid.
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CDinnes - please wake up
He didn't leave - he left 5 months in!
Please wake up - he's either an asshole or will be a lousy parent. Why?
Either: he's been there for 15 years refusing to get married so that 'he can leave whenever he wants' and actually thought that was an ok situation to bring a child into = asshole
Or: he has NO IDEA what being a parent requires. The going got a bit tough and he bailed. What your stupid survey won't say is how much work it takes to make a divorce truly work for the kids. Parents need to truly put the kids first. A lot of parents may put that in, this guy couldn't even wait for the baby to be weaned before he packed his bags. Not for the child and for the 15 years with his partner. He's an emotionally f-ked up loser = lousy parent
As for your rather lazy point about happy divorce v unhappy marriage - it's crap. Happy divorces (for the kids) take work. Happy marriages take work. I would argue that unless there is violence in the home, 5 months is not a fair go. Most marriage counselling courses last longer than that. What an awful pair. I feel so sorry for that kid.
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Get a Blog
A response longer than the article with many assumptions about the situation, blows my mind. More importantly, I took the time to read it. Shame on me.
Fella get your own blog. You write well and spelled all the words correctly.
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You'd be the first people screaming for a lynching
If he so much as ever raised a hand to her. So if you're going to play that whole 19th Century "Till Death Do Us Part" card, be very sure you can live with every word of that statement.
Duh. Babies fix nothing. Now they're just another episode of Maury.
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I had no idea Salon readers were so old-fashioned
So two people who decide to stay together without marrying aren't committed and clearly, the women who choose to be in these kinds of relationships suffer from brittle self-esteem and allow their men to use them?
What a bunch of bullshit.
Other than the fact that this demeans same-sex relationships, this kind of thinking is so outdated and offensive, I have to laugh.
How about those of us who believe that marriage doesn't signify commitment so much as a legal and financial benefit for the two people involved? Not very romantic words I know, but let's be honest folks. What about that still alarmingly high divorce rate?
I am in a long-term relationship and would hate to think that what we have would be deemed as anything less than legitimate or committed because we choose not to undergo a ceremony that we think is meaningless and would change nothing about how we live. As for the practical matters, we plan to consult an attorney in due time for power of attorney, what to do if someone falls into a coma, finances, etc.
And nope, we don't plan to have children. The final nail in the coffin, I suppose. However, I've heard from enough people to know that merely being married does not make you parent material.
And yes, parents owe their children a stable, healthy environment. It's not ridiculous to expect parents to put their children's needs before their own - that's what parenthood is about - but this does not necessarily entail being married.
To the LW: If your brother and his ex did everything they could to salvage the relationship, then he should feel okay about ending things. If not, then he has some soul searching to do.