Letters to the Editor
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well, I don't know...
My question to you is: How is your sister in law? Does she think your brother is an asshole? Does she need help? IS she one of those stressed-out new moms others have mentioned, or is she in new-mom blissland (like I was)? Is there anything you can do for her? Since she is like a sister to you, and since the break-up was amicable, your brother can have no argument if you go to her and ask her these questions: What do you need? HOw can we help?
It's impossible to answer that question until SHE tells you. She might be just fine. Some women are.
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If the Brother is an Asshole, Then What?
The LW asks Cary if his brother is an asshole. I'm not sure what a second opinion is going to accomplish. It's pretty obvious that he and his brother are masters of rationalization, but the LW can't seem to rationalize away the fact that HE thinks his brother is an asshole.
OK, so Cary gave some good advice in terms of how to help with the situation at hand. Here's some more. Your brother's not an asshole, he's just acting like one. It might be splitting hairs, but it gives the brother a small measure of grace.
The LW and his brother both said they would not be trapped in relationships they did not want. Understandable, since their father was a relationship that was pretty hard to ditch. It really seems that the LW is frustrated by the fact that his brother has decided he doesn't want two relationships that he can't ditch even he wants to. If he had left before the baby came along, it would have been easier for both to move on. But now, his girlfriend will forever be the mother of his child, and his child will always be his child. They cannot be totally ditched.
To tell the truth, I don't even know if the son will ask about his father's absence. And Cary is right about not dissing Dad around the boy. But puleeze do not go into a bunch of crap about how Daddy has other things he needs to do *cough* (detox/screw other women/get his degree in pottery). The kid is going to eventually notice that his Dad's not living with them and others are, so something must be wrong with him (the kid). He's not going to ask, he will just assume. That's what everyone will have to keep an eye out for. Little kids especially think everything is about them. He might ask to see his baby pictures to see if he was so ugly Dad just couldn't stand to look at him. At some point someone is going to have to fall on his sword so this kid will know he is not to blame for Dad leaving. Maybe the LW could help his brother prepare for this. It could be their finest moment.
And LW, make sure that your brother never, ever tells his son that he left because he "loved Mom, but was not in love with her." Check your state's laws. If you're lucky, you might be able to kick his ass without risk of arrest if he ever utters those words again to anyone at any time.
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"practically, though not officially married"
First, they were not married. Let's start with that. 15 years together, a baby and "not officially married"--that's a nice way of saying that LW's brother was getting free milk from a cow with little self-esteem. After 15 years, the girlfriend did not think she was good enough to become his wife? Or the two freewheeling souls did not want to bind themselves into an "official" relationship? Which, mind you, did not prevent them from having a baby? Well, I say, the gal kind of drove herself into the single mother corner. The brother may be an asshole all right, but there doesn't appear to have been any expectation of him being otherwise--or any expectation that he would respect the woman. Seeing as she had passively accepted the role of a baby-mama, he would likely not have all that much consideration or respect or care for her--which would make leaving her all the easier.
Second, anybody who thinks that parents OWE their children a "stable" family is frankly very immature and just plain silly. Try living with parents who feel that way and stick it out through years of arguments and fights. The most important thing parents owe to their kids is not to be miserable--either alone or with their partner.
Third, LW now has an obligation of his own, which does not grow or lessen with whether his brother is an asshole or not. He has a nephew and can remain a part of that nephew's family, if he so chooses. Perhaps, he should focus his energies on that--rather than worry about his brother's moral failings. We are each responsible for our own.
Fourth, his brother WILL be responsible for this child monetarily for the next 18 years, if that's any comfort.
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What's best for the kid?
Here's my baggage: My dad died when I was 6 & mom is bipolar. Let's just say I know something about DSS. Fast forward 30 years; my wife is about to give birth to our 4th boy; we are happily married (and we work actively to keep it so). Having a happy, loving environment for my kids is the #1 priority in my life.
Here are my thoughts (phrased as comments to the a-hole brother):
0. DON'T THINK HAVING A BABY WILL SOLVE ANYTHING. As shown here, it doesn't. It's awesome, etc., but DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS (other than the "we want kids but currently have none" one).
1. Dude. Leaving @ 5 months after 15 years because you're not "in love" anymore? My wife and I had twins; at 5 months we had zero capacity to even think straight due to stress and sleep deprivation. Our twins basically didn't sleep their first year, and it almost killed us. But we survived and 5 years later are now back on an even keel. My advice: year 1, unless their are issues re: safety for anyone in the family, suck it up and see it through, and then re-evaluate. But I'm in a happy marriage, so it's hard for me to judge what to do if there are real relationship issues.
2. I realize I'm apparently radical here, but my feeling is once you bring a kid into the world, they are priority #1. Your time treating yourself as #1 is over. I used to run marathons; now that we have kids, I don't. Too much time. I work out just enough to be healthy and somewhat fit. Working out a lot less was a big sacrifice for me in that it was one of my favorite things in life. It was also a tiny sacrifice because I realized that when I had kids my duty was to a) bring home the bacon and b) spend as much time as humanly possible with the kids. I did this with eyes wide open, and given my suboptimal upbringing, do so happily. I still do some things w/o the kids and have a tiny life outside the family, but not much and I'm fine with that. I'll pick that up again once we kick the kids out in 18 years. My point? Whatever you do, spend lots of time with the kid. Even if you have to blow off your smokin' hot girlfriend on occasion. The kid needs at least one parent who is "irrationally enthusiastic" about them; make sure you are one of these parents.
3. The world has enough family dysfunction. Whatever you do, take pains *not* to further screw up the lives of your ex-'wife' and kid. Be part of the solution. Be irrationally enthusiastic. Be selfless (within limits, of course). Don't be a prick.
It frustrates me to no end to see people with messed up childhoods spreading the misery to the next generation. I've got enough baggage to fill a box car, and while I am anything but a perfect Dad and husband, at least I try and am self-aware enough to avoid screwing up too badly. What's so freakin' hard about putting others' needs before your own sometimes (again, within reason)?