Letters to the Editor
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"A sickening blend of rage and love and helplessness..."
Wonderful phrase, Cary. I can think of many situations where it will apply.
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so sad
The first five months of new parenthood are incredibly difficult. You're deranged with exhaustion and very short-tempered, and underneath all that, extremely fearful of doing anything (or allowing your partner to do anything) that might harm the baby. There's so much pressure, even fairly solid couples start bickering like crazy and contemplating divorce.
It's so sad to see marriages break up at that stage. LW doesn't say whether brother and sister-in-law tried couples counseling, or even whether they had enough help from family and babysitters to at least take a break once in a while. Maybe the problems between them were deep and unresolvable, or maybe they were primarily situational and could have been addressed with some better communication skills...as well as with the knowledge that this awful, deranged-with-exhaustion phase would pass.
I remember loving my baby but also being viciously angry that my husband, who'd wanted children more than me, had foisted me into the hell that is the new mother's life for the first several months. It would have been easier if I'd understood that the exhaustion and rage would mostly disappear, in just a few months' time. But no one really knows that, at least not the first time around.
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Oh please
I am so sick of people who say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." The moment you bring a child into this world, you owe that child a solid family life. New studies have shown that children fare better in two parent households -- particularly boys, who need a male role model. As an inner city high school teacher, I can't even begin to tell you about all the boys from broken homes who hate their fathers for not sticking around and helping out. The LW's brother is an asshole for putting his own selfish needs first, and not his son's. There's nothing wrong with the mother of his child. They stayed together for 15 years. Funny how the LW's brother dumped her after she had a baby. Sometimes doing the right thing means putting the needs of a child before our own. This isn't the 70s, where people can delude themselves into thinking that struggling single mothers can make it...that it's better for the child if the parents aren't together. I say living in a household where mama isn't "taking a nosedive" (to use the LW's words) is better...far, far better.
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Q-What's worse than being alone and stuck with a 5-month old baby?
A-Being alone and stuck with a 5-month old baby and an asshole.
Q-What's even worse than that?
A-Being alone and stuck with a 15 month old toddler, a month old baby, and an asshole.
Repeatt as necessary. I'm sure you get the point.
I'll bet your sister-in-law is relieved. She can get on with the reality of being an adult, and a mother, without having to deal with your brother and his doubts.
So yes, he's an asshole, but it could be worse. Cary has given some examples of ways he can still behave with class and be a constructive influence in his son's life. Time to grow up and get on with it.
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As long as he sticks around he's not an asshole
Now, it's probably best that these parents think about what is best for the baby and not their love lives.
What's best for the baby is to not have an overly stressed out mother who is doing everything herself. Look up infant mortality rates, always higher in homes without the father present.
If this sisterinlaw of yours has someone close to her that can live with her during this most stressful time and help her with the diapers, the sleepless nights, the grocery shopping, with feeding if she's not breast feeding, and all that other stuff that makes a household run smoothly, all will go much better for the baby, but if she doesn't have someone that can make that full time sacrafice, he as the childs father should be the one to make it. Also, I'm sure he'll soon learn how fast the little tyke grows and what he's missing out on if not there day to day for at least the first year.
This is what's most important, the baby's happiness, structure and security.
If they are just friends now and don't loathe each other, after 15 years together, really whats 6 or 7 more months until routines can be established and the baby is sleeping through the night.
If he's getting all hyped about starting to date and sleeping with new ladies, he does not have his prioritites straight. It's one thing to realize he and the mother aren't compatable for long term happiness, it's another to basically go, okay the day to day is up to you and I'll be here on the weekends or when it's convienient for me so I can date and screw at my leisure!
Having a child means sacrafices, it's time he learned that now and not just pawn all the hard stuff on this woman he liked enough to spend 15 years with so he can go get a new girlfriend.
Though if the stress of living together is what's creating all the problems then perhaps the finding a place to live near by, where he can get over there in 10-15 minutes is a good compromise.
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Comments
"One thing you could do, like you said, is urge your brother to stick around for a while in some capacity... Urge him to get a job and make some money and contribute to the well-being of his child and the child's mother."
I believe the family court judge will do more than "urge" him to support his child financially. He can leave his wife, but he is always the father of this child, and his obligations are no less than if he had stayed in the relationship. If he treats it as optional, as Cary seems to, then he truly is an asshole.
That said, I second what another reader wrote: the early months of a child's life are very stressful. It does not seem to be the best time to make such a decision. Often the mom is exhausted, stressed, and wondering where her life went. Often the dad is tired, feels neglected and displaced, and wonders where his life went. There are a lot of adjustments to be made. Can they just give it more time? They've invested a lot of years, not to mention a child.