Of all the letter writers responses I've read for how long, yours touched me the most - actually your whole letter did. It seems you do have a deep sense of familial loyalty and have bounced back from family issues in the past. This may be a troubling question but I was wondering where your mom was in the whole picture? If your relationships were strained with her as well, I would assume that only added to your brother's fears with parenting and relationships. I don't know all the working situations involved but I do think that your brother can benefit from some form of therapy concerning all this. Best of luck trying to figure this out. Does your SIL have a network that can help with the child?

First, I would be hurt and angry too if my dream of bringing a child into this world with 2 parents would be shattered by a partner who walks away from the responsibility of helping to raise the infant. No ands, ifs, and buts. And just the fact that there’s rejection of an innocent baby involved pisses me off and hurts – just imagine having to tell that baby why he/she was rejected (well, you wouldn’t be callous about it). So, hear me – I agree with you that it stinks. Seriously been there and had this done to me so, I know of what I speak. But here’s something else you didn’t say – because you sound as if you’d like to point the finger and not move on to grow (emotionally and financially) – that it takes two to bring a child into this world. Yeah – that’s the bottom line here. Everyone forgets this. So talk the talk or walk is what I say. You also forget that there are lots of primary caretakers – fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins and even older siblings – not just new mothers as primary caretakers - who need relief from the everyday demands of a new infant. Accept the situation for what it is – a single caretaker NEVER has enough sleep, never has enough financial support and needs release every now and then – in the form of social situations as well as emotionally. I never regretted having my baby and never wanted anyone to feel pity for me as I knew I was capable either with or without a partner. In fact, after the father assumed no responsibility, I was emotionally hurt for my child but moved on. I thought about it and thought what the hell? At least I could raise it without the interference of someone who might never cherish and love her. I decided not to point the finger and GROW. And, growth results in a more positive situation. I went back to school for awhile and didn’t continue but went out to work. I had to leave my baby with a babysitter. Financially it was hard but I survived. I had friends to laugh with and shared stories with other mothers and fathers. I understand about sleep deprivation. It’s horrible to wake up to a baby that wouldn’t drink it’s bottle fast enough at the 10 pm feeding so I could get back to sleep because come hell or high water, I would have to get up at 5 am to get ready for work, feed my baby and start the merry-go-round again. And, the thankless bosses. I had one that was called the blood-sucker. Yeah, did that for a year and then left for bigger and better. I worked from 8-5 and never did overtime because I had to pick up my baby no later than 6 pm or pay $1.00 for every 15 mins. I was late. But big whoop – it can and is done every day of the year and some of us don’t want to spend the rest of our lives being angry and pointing the finger. We find ways around the situation. There are tons of primary caretakers walking around – this one one just happened to be unlucky in their partner of choice. It’s a sad situation but life offers us different life situations – some of our own making.

I hope I’m not too late in writing this post to the LW. I just got back from helping my niece and nephew-in-law by watching their 3 children. One is 13 (immature, with ADD and just going into high school), a daughter that has just turned 8 and a just turned 4 year old. It’s been 8 weeks since our family was told by my niece that after 15 years of marriage, she wanted out. No amount of talking will sway her mind. We all are grieving and are sure she’s making a mistake. My brother and I both had a horrible childhood but lived to take charge of ours in a positive way but rather than ostracize my niece and lose her beloved soon to be ex-husband, and in so loving and worrying about those kids, what I’ve been doing is keeping my big mouth shut and being the best great-auntie I can by not guilting and taking sides. My nephew-in-law is not bad-mouthing his soon-to-be ex-wife and I can see his worried face and saddened heart. He cares about his children so that makes it easier. Their mother just put the finishing touches on her business plan without stressing and their father could go to work knowing that those kids were loved and taken care of by someone who adores and loves them. Why did these parents choose me to do this (at this time, I have the good fortune to be on vacation)? It’s because I have been active in their lives. I have attended piano recitals, school open houses, been asked to attend show and tell; called to tell them I was eating escargot so that I could hear them squirm and squeal and because I want them to feel loved and respected – something we didn’t have while we were children. I know that pain. I know the loss and you can relate to that, can’t you? So, go ahead and feel saddened that this didn’t turn out the way you wanted. Brother, I feel you pain stand tall. Help him when he’s ready by telling him about the baby – don’t through it in his face, just casually if he asks. Take a picture of his hands and feet and frame it – not out of guilt but because those hands and feet are part of HIM and you love him enough to share. Don’t unleash to him about how it could be better with him there – you don’t think he’s got his problems already? What’s better – to lose him for all time? Sometimes once you cross the line and things are said and it hurts deeper than what you went though. He IS an ass – but you can use that energy to write a love letter to his child and keep it in a safe place to tell him that the day he was born, his father called you and told you all about his beautiful son. Then cry (men do cry), dry your eyes and get ready to have this baby adore his uncle and welcome him with open arms so you can share his world whenever your brother is ready. Do it out of LOVE because you’ve been there. Giving is what your father did't teach you. Feel this love because in life, we only have one-go around.

Eric's Mom