Letters to the Editor
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Spare Us
Cary, please spare us the post-modern, existentialist BS about marriage and bachelor parties being vacuous and meaningless. They're parties, celebrations of choices made, opportunities to renew beliefs, reconnect with old friends, meet new ones. In short, they are so much more than the bland non-events that you cast them as.
Like so many other social traditions, weddings and bachelor parties have meanings that extend well beyond the obvious ones that society attaches. Why not let individuals decide the meanings of these things, instead of driving over such an abrupt semantic cliff into an abyss of empty nihilism and overdramatized self-loathing?
Further, people get to invite whomever they want to such events, and invitees are free to decline to attend. There is such a thing as just having fun together, no gender politics, no psychological analysis, just fun. Or have we become so "civilized" that all celebrations must be carefully vetted for appropriateness?
Relax.
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The wife that missed her friend's bachelor party
UGH!
I am not a girly-girl. Most women don't like me. Never have. I'm working on it, trying to get along, but I'm just too confident and blunt to be one of the girls in the girl club.
When my husband's best friend, and one of my very dear friends, married a woman that I would never become friends with, I was really looking forward to the bachelor party and really wanted to be invited ... I knew it would be full of whisky, tattoos, cigars, and strippers. I knew I would not be invited to the bachelorette party.
But, I was not invited to the bachelor party. I was so bummed, and still am. God, I wish I could have been there, it was the kind of night I would have loved!!
A girl at a bachelor party -- it does not mean she is going to be any different than any of the other guys. I wanted to go so I could drink inappropriate amounts of alcohol, smoke ridiculously (I don't smoke!) and throw myself into a seedy adventure at a place called BJ's or Choice.
I love love love the groom. I'm not a huggy person, but he is one of the 3 or so people in life that I hug. A lot. He would never think of me in "that way" but would probably try to get me to kiss the stripper or show them my underwear. But -- he's already seen that so we don't need to wait for the bachelor party.
Even if I would have went to that party and would have stripped down, the guys at the party would have thought the same thing they always think about me : one of the guys. They've pretty much seen it all from me anyway. I've seen their bare asses, they've seen mine.
The LW could say that I am married and my husband would have been there, true. But, keep in mind this woman is the groom's best friend. He is probably quite protective of her and would not let anything happen to her (read: will not let the boys mix it up with her). She'll probably be too drunk to be all that appealing to anyone but the skeezy guys anyway -- and that's her business.
And yes, I was super jealous that I was not invited -- I was obviously jealous for very different reasons than the LW's jealousy. So I made a deal with my husband and made it worth his time to come home early and party with me!
If the party bothers you, make some martinis or mojitos or whatever, get some porn, and call your husband about 10:30 and tell him what you are up to. Maybe clue him in earlier in the day that he might get a booty call from you.
He will have seen enough of the party to make a good decision.
I mean, when else do you get to make a booty call when you are married???
Good luck, and have fun!
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I agree with the earlier posters -- there is something so pathetic and depressing about the husband attending the event at all...
Most guys grow up at some point and politely opt out of dumb-ass stuff like this -- including myself at this point in my life. Your husband doesn't need to go to the party at all. It in fact says something not-so-good about him that he wants to go and is in fact "hyped." Huh? How old is he?
It seems very misguided to me to focus on the single woman attending. The fact that your husband, who is presumably past puberty, is "hyped" and so immature that he needs the sad validation of male buddies and sweaty be-thonged women with enormous fake breasts is most disturbing. I just don't think this bodes well at all for your marriage (not to sound dismal, but I am speaking from what I have seen).
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I think I am going to just shoot myself
Wow...
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These answers all puzzle me...
Yeah, I thought Cary's answer was way off-base...and frankly, the kind of answer only a man could give.
It irritates me a little that everyone here is dismissing this woman's concerns as "sexist" because she is aware that a lot of women play power games with other women, using men as pawns and/or gauges of their "desirablity" and/or sexual status. To pretend that this kind of thing doesn't happen is completely delusional, imo. I have no comment about this particular woman (i.e., the "best friend" of the groom), but I have definitely encountered a lot of women whose identity rests on NOT being a wife, but being the "sexy friend" of a bunch of guys.
There are also (OF COURSE) perfectly normal friendships between men and women. But to pretend a that a lot of these "friendships" aren't a form of social tender is completely false.
So I totally get the LW's irritation about this. I don't see her as "worried" or as "paranoid" or as "sexist" but as angry. It's one thing to let men have their rituals and stay out of them (women have their rituals, too, although frankly most of them bore me to tears). It's another to have the boundaries crossed in that way by another woman. Ritual that is all men means she isn't being excluded for herself, personally, but because she doesn't fit the ritual's parameters. Having that woman there alters the ritual, and makes her feel excluded...ergo, anger. It makes the exclusion personal, instead of merely a convention. It would irritate me too, frankly! If you're going to invite one woman, you should leave it open to others...or else it does beg the question of "why is she okay and I'm not? Because I'm 'married'? That sucks!"
Also - the person who claimed the "woman would go in jeans and a tee shirt and be seen just like one of the guys or else they wouldn't invite her" is completely crazy! It totally depends on what kind of "friendship" this is...if it's one of the more sexualized ones, I'd be willing to bet a fair bit of $ that she would dress to compete, not to "blend with the guys."
The reason this bothers me so much, is that these kinds of power games are some of the most damaging byproducts of sexism that exist...they make women distrust other women, and view them as competition, and also base their identity around how sexy they are perceived to be. To pretend they don't exist, that it is somehow sexist to even point them out or cry foul is really one of the worst things you can do to another woman.
So...I hope this woman really is a friend. If so, then no worries. If she's playing games, then I guess I would advise spending the night at the gym taking a kickboxing class. :) I wouldn't involve the hubby, as men don't ever seem to see these kinds of games (none I know, anyway). It's one of those terrible stereotypes but it's true...women know how to hurt other women better than men do, and usually can get off scot free for doing it. Having said that, I *highly* doubt she would speak out against the wives...that kind of puzzled me too, I admit, because it doesn't really fit the profile (unless you think the men would be confiding in her about their wives, etc., but that's kind of different?)
Best advice? Feel what you feel, but ultimately, ignore it. If she is playing games, then it won't work in any way that matters, and people like that don't tend to connect or play well with others, so ultimately aren't super happy...so feel sorry for her, if anything.
But don't bite. That's not real power...it is pure illusion. If we didn't live in a sexist society, that kind of power wouldn't exist.