Letters to the Editor
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@ deering
I am enjoying this conversation, so just a bit more.
> No real social advance ever came from conforming to wifey-dom and treating other women like rivals.<
Oh quite true. We definitely agree there. However, some wonderful social advances were made by married women.
You raised an interesting question when you (paraphrasing) mentioned how do my friends know who I really am if I am suppressing parts of myself. I think the answer is that no one can be completely revealing even when they are trying. There is no such thing as a completely unfiltered or unmitigated conversation. One one thing, we all make choices of what to leave out and what to put into a conversation, for the sake of brevity if nothing else.
I wish the LW would chime in eventually and tell us her thinking. Remember that when people write Cary, they have to make decisions about what to address and what to leave out. To me, she does seem jealous and/or envious of the groom-to-be's friend. However, we do not know where that comes from. It could be she is not really concerned about her husband at all. It could be she wishes she could be so free.
I confess to have been to a strip club long ago and found it interesting. I would not mind going someday again. However, I am not as interested in seeing women strip as I would be interested in sitting down with the strippers and hearing their stories. However, to get the REAL story I would probably have to meet them elsewhere. I imagine a strip club is rife with its own rules and conventions. To speak one's truth, one has to be free to discover it.
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DUDE
Best. Column. EVER!
Cary, you were on fire today.
That writing retreat or whatever it was really freed up some good shit.
Thanks!
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To Mock or Not to Mock?
Most of the time I appreciate Cary's quirkiness, but, ". . .mix a few drinks, watch some reruns of 'Dallas' and try not to kill yourself"? Is Cary mocking this woman's concern over her husband attending a bachelor party where an attractive, single "boy crazy" woman will be in tow? There will be lots of alcohol and there may be some arousal, so this woman's fear that her husband could be tempted into some kind of illicit behavior is valid. It's insecure, but it's valid. Who doesn't feel insecure sometimes?
However, I did enjoy Cary's response. It was funny and off the wall and putting Being and Nothingness into the context of a bachelor party is absolutely spot-on, but for crying out loud, don't mock this poor woman.
Furthermore, I think it's important to note that this woman is grappling with a modern female problem. Fifty years ago or even twenty years ago the prospect of a groom inviting a female best friend to a bachelor party was most likely uncommon or virtually unheard of. We now live in an age where women will go out either with other women or with men and women and receive lap dances as part of a casual social event. It's very interesting to see how the widening social circles that women are now able to navigate often have a focus on male-dominated activities formerly forbidden or withheld from women. This letter is a perfect example of this phenomenon, and it's only natural that some women might find such a situation perplexing, because quite truthfully, not all women (and certainly not all men) are yet comfortable with some of the interchangeability of the sexes in modern social scenes because they lack any significant precedent. Where does that leave us? To decide for ourselves what we think is okay and not okay, and that is the decision that this woman will have to make for herself.
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I think you're funny Haaley
I was just at a bachelorette party in Vegas, the bride to be didn't want to go to a male strip club, so we didn't. She figured she could just get men to strip for free (which she did to a certain extent) and a few of the other girls were discussing if we did go to a club, we'd rather go to a female one because girls are prettier to stare at.
We love men, we're all straight but when it comes to dicks waving around, we just don't find it sexy, we'd rather look at a really pretty girl.
Plus if you don't think it can be fun to watch your male friends get all drooley and stoopid over naked chicks, you might be lacking part of your funny bone.
Oh and AKA Smith, I mean no offense, but I think your friends suck as you've described them. I have never once had one of my friends spouses or boyfriends hit on me and I'm what most strippers pay surgeons to look like in the boob department and I've never been lacking for dates or dudes in clubs trying to pick me up. Plus I like wearing sexy clothes in certain settings. I've also never once had any of my husbands friends hit on me in the ten years I've known them.
I don't watch my P's and Q's around my friends, just like I don't around my husband they are my friends because they accept me, flaws and all. It's only aquaintences and near strangers where I tread lightly and pay attention to my most polite manners.
Also, I'd never not wear a plunging neckline just because I was going to my friends house for dinner or all out for an evening, I'll wear whatever the hell I feel like at that moment and sometimes that includes low cut dresses or shirts. One of my husbands friends girlfriends wore a see through shirt to his birthday party, I didn't care, one of the other girls was really pissed off though. This particular girl also won't let her boyfriend watch porn, has told him he can't have a bachelor party if he's going to get a lap dance and even gets angry at him for watching the cheeleaders at basketball games. Oh and should I also mention she's beautiful and every single one of his friends has congratulated him for landing such a gorgeous girl. They've also never hit on her either.
So I think that is the difference between girls. Some believe the men they are with should never ever think about another woman naked ever again, will blame other women for being pretty and sexy for enticing their man. Then there are the women who think, hey as long as he keeps his hands to himself, I don't give a shit what goes on in his mind.
Maybe your dealings with your mother have caused you to gravitate to women who remind you of your mother?
Personally I like sexy girls, then I can see how the man I'm dating reacts around them. His reaction lets me know if I want to keep seeing him or not.