Letters to the Editor
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There is nothing like being judged...
...to bring out the judgmental in folks, is there?
How about this: there are people who fear anything less than the illusion of absolute control, who loathe caprice and impulse, and who hate themselves for it; then they focus that whole roiling mix into disdain for all who are less fearful than they are.
Maybe the LW's like that.
Or maybe he's just a prig.
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Here's An Alternative Scenario
Though I think Cary’s advice is profoundly insightful, I’d like to propose an alternative that embraces its basic premise but approaches the problem from a somewhat different perspective. Specifically, I’d suggest that the LW speak to his girlfriend in a spirit of humility and say something along the lines of the following:
“I care for you very much and believe we might have had some kind of future together, but since I found out you tried cocaine once a year ago, I’ve had a great deal of trouble sleeping at night. I wish I could forgive you for this indiscretion committed well before we even knew each other, but I’m afraid I’d only be kidding myself and would never want to lead you on. Accordingly, I think it best that we part now, in order to avoid the unbearable pain of having to separate later on.”
At that point, I suspect the LW’s girlfriend might respond with something along the lines of, “Hey, no problem. Frankly, it’s suddenly become apparent to me that you’re a throbbing cock of enormous proportions, and I don’t think I could possibly bear to spend another 30 seconds with you, much less contemplate a future as your girlfriend.” Perhaps after a several more such incidents resulting from other “unforgivable” moral transgressions committed by future girlfriends, the LW will realize that problem isn’t the absence of moral infallibility of those around him, but the fact that he’s a closed-minded, self-righteous douchebag.
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@whoever wrote to me
I disagree. It is unwise and most likely inaccurate to sum up the whole of anyone's character in one word, based on one writing sample.
However, I will readily admit that I've dealt with so much heartache from my brother's and from my son's drug abuse that I can hardly be objective.
The problem with the letter is that the writer didn't really know what to ask. He's looking for a reality check--is his strong objection to recreational drug use valid? Those who feel that it is will affirm his opinion; those who don't will not, and, it seems, abuse him besides.
The question probably should have been, "Should I stop seeing this woman?" and my guess is that wherever their opinions fall regarding drug use/abuse, most people would say yes.
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hating
Wow. Who knew this topic would engender such extreme posts?
Here are my reactions:
On the one hand, it's kind of refreshing to encounter someone so completely purist and sure of his beliefs.
On the other hand, it kind of scares me. (So I just lit a bowl of pot. Which can help with perspective.)
Philosophically speaking, is every era defined by the push/pull of those that need such strict tenets to follow and those that are able to allow for experience and compromise, curiosity and shades of gray? I suppose the appeal of the former might be... um... ??
I guess that I am not a person who can see the appeal of a prescribed life. (No pun intended.) But these are the folks that voted for Bush so I know they are out there. Every now and then I bump into one at a party, when someone will suddenly launch into a monologue about how Rudy Giuliani took the squeegee guys off the streets and how much safer that made NYC because "they could have guns." !!
Sigh.
LW, either find a woman who shares your strict behavioral code, or figure out what it is that makes you so damn uncomfortable about drugs (and I agree with another post -- cocaine is hardly the worst end of the spectrum -- a crystal meth addict is a scary sight and a heroin addict is a tragedy).
That you consider a one-time use of coke to be such a terrible event? I don't know, LW. What can I say but: God bless you. That seems like the only "appropriate" response.
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I've been trying to break myself of the habit of reading this column
And I think the over-the-top ridiculing headline, the smug and self-righteous response by Cary Tennis, and the pileup of hysterical responses just did the trick! Apparently the LW hit a real nerve!
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Say " Bye bye."
LW, please pay no attention to those people who say you should stop being who you are, an Uptight Judgmental Grad Student. Much of your paragraph where you talk about how your girlfriend succumbed to peer pressure and should have been past that was exactly what I was going to write to you the minute I figured out her age. Why is she succumbing to peer pressure at her age? Why does she get drunk, succumb to peer pressure, and try an entirely new drug, cocaine, at her age?
Maybe she is not such a grown-up after all.
Also, you know yourself. You use language like "shocked" and "bombshell" and "crippling emotional distrust." It is clear that between who she is and who you are is a sort of abyss. She is a either a wimp who cannot adhere to her own values, who you cannot respect, or a risk-taker, which you decidedly are not.
Frankly, I think most illegal drugs should be legal for recreational use for people who are without a doubt adults. Marijuana being illegal is utterly absurd. I am consistently and passionate about getting the government out of people's lives. That said, I never drink more than three beers/glasses of wine or two mixed drinks. I don't smoke, can't stand the smell of either cigarettes or marijuana burning, and am unmedicated even though I suffer from fairly serious ADD. (Ampetamine Salts/Adderall and meth are not so dissimiliar.) I am stuffy and cautious -- like you.
Unlike you I have known many people who have used cocaine, heroin, and meth. Many of them where homeless and some of them didn't even have their teeth anymore because certain drugs leach calcium from the teeth and the bones.
When I am taking milk thistle, valerian root, GABA, acetyl L-Carnitine, Co Q-10, alpha lipoic Acid, and extra vitamins E and D, plus a quality multi-vitamin and etc., eating wild caught salmon, and more brocolli than I really like, would I want to do something that is bad for my body -- of which my brain is a part?
You and this woman are simply not on the same path. If you would never try extreme sports, or have unprotected sex with prostitutes, or drive you car 85mph in the 60mph zone and she would, she is not for you and you are not for her.
Here's to you, Uptight Judgmental Grad Student for knowing who you are. I toast you with low-carb skim milk!
(However, I cannot get over a suspicion I have that you do something bad or risky at sometime or other, so I don't entirely trust you.)
P.S. I have always had this secret yen to try X.