Letters to the Editor
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I think Cary nailed it....
I think most "judgemental" people are those who believe -- IMO, fairly accurately -- that judgement is a reflection of self-worth. They see someone's avoidable mistakes as indicators of poor character, and usually include themselves in that number. As a consequence, they lack sympathy for failure while defining failure broadly.
Let me note that I don't think that being judgemental is inherently bad; if anything, I think modern society could use a little more socially-acceptable judgement. We live in an era in which it's considered the height of rudeness to disapprove of people's behavior to their faces (at least when it comes to things that we've redefined as "private" issues, like marital fidelity or personal finances), and I'm not sure that's really an improvement.
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Have some of you read her letter?
The LW is aware that she's wrong to be so judgemental and wishes to change. I don't understand some of the responses at all (i.e. "Lady, you're a boring nightmare"). I applaud her insight and ability to step away and see what's happening. Not everyone has that ability and since she does, I sense quite a bit of empathy on her part. I don't think being judgemental "turns her on" at all. Do you think she'd write to Carey for advice on how to STOP if this was the case? Maybe some of you should read the letter again. Sheesh!
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Playing with the cards you're dealt
I loved a previous commenter's analogy to rock climbing. This won't really improve on it, but give a slightly different perspective. Watch bridge players sometime. When dealt a perfect hand, there's satisfaction in winning. But when dealt a really crappy hand and someone actually manages to finagle a win, there is REAL satisfaction--even happiness.
My own life has been a series of crappy hands and great hands and average hands, and I've dealt with my cards sometimes way better than it seemed like I could have, sometimes worse, and sometimes pretty much the way anyone would. Sometimes I played them perfectly according to the rules. Sometimes I haven't. And following those rules has sometimes led to a winning game, and sometimes not, because even when you know what your own cards are, you don't know what the other hands are. The times I've been happiest haven't been when I was dealt all the aces--they've been when I negotiated a very tricky hand and succeeded or at least fended off a total disaster. When I've been truly happiest in my life, I've been pretty pleasant to be around, because real happiness is contagious, and genuinely happy people want others to be happy and are focused on the happy and good elements of our friends and our friendships, not the negative. Looking back I can see times when I was pretty smug and judgmental. Those times I was not genuinely happy, but struggling to ward off my own fears of losing badly, and clinging to rules before I really understood that the game itself, not the winning or losing at the end but the negotiation of each unpredictable hand, is the part that gives us happiness or sadness.
Choosing one bridge master and following his rules every step of the way gives one a system for winning, but not a system for joyfully playing the game. Little by little coming up with your own system, working it out delicately with your partner, and coming up with lovely little insights of your own is where real happiness comes from. With luck and maybe a few unexpected hands, the LW will come to that realization herself.
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Now you've gone & done it, Mrs. McJudgypants
I've just read LWs letter 3 times, along with all the responses. After my initial desire to open up a can o' whoop on the woman for her percieved superiority, my fiersomeness was tempered by the good words of Fennel & Dill, 56565656, flyover52, SB and the many anonymous posters.
The sense that I am left with is thus: LW, by putting her deepest concerns in writing, along with the hailstorm of critisicm that inevitably followed, is opening up a crack in the greater Karmic energy that is out there beyond us (and within us) all.
I expect that after she reads all of the postings and has a good long think about what her words (and deeper thoughts) really mean, that something, SOMETHING unexpected will happen in her carefully ordered life that in fact was going to happen whether she had planned it or not.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she has that all-too-human moment when she realizes that the S**t can indeed hit her fan too, whether she did all the right things or no.
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Judging Judgement
Dear LW, I would worry less about being judgmental than about your inability to mask this judgment. Judgment of others is a natural response as we place ourselves in the greater context of society. Cleary you, too, are being judged, judging from many of these letters! Many may judge you for being too sensible, priggish even, for living by the book, for somehow missing the flower and fruit of life as you trod a narrow preconceived conventional path -- but that is your right, just as it is the right of others to live with more wild abandon. But you sound like a compassionate person. You don't want to make others feel bad just because you see inevitable negative consequences to their behavior, or because you think their behavior isn't "right." So why not learn to cover your judgment with another truth, the truth of your compassion? Show the face that comes from the part of you that feels for them. Show the empathy you feel. Keep the judgment, but keep it closer to the vest by focusing on the feelings of sympathy, and reminding yourself how bad you feel later when your judgment has shown through. Let your kindness shine through insead, because you obviously have it.
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Accountability
When people complain to me about stupid, bad choices they make--that they've consciously and often selfishly made--it always seems that what they want is sympathy and then, ultimately, vindication. They want me to help them rationalize it to the point where they can forgive themselves. (And oftentimes, if they work at it hard enough, they will find a way to actually blame someone else, like mom, husband, boss, etc. for their bad choice!)
I typically judge these people. It would be a lot easier to be less judgmental if these whiners would at least be accountable for their bad choices. I would surely feel a lot less judgmental if I heard someone say, "I made this dumb choice and I am accountable for it." That's a better launching pad for resolution than endlessly searching for ways to get off the hook.
If these people took responsibility for their bad choices, then it would be a lot easier to get past the judging and on to healing.