Letters to the Editor
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Just be ready....
Unlike Judgy, I made several really, really baaaaad calls early on in life--I hope not to make too many more, but we'll see. Anyway, I got out of them, and learned from them, and thought, naively, that now I could give those experiences a purpose by using them to help others. "I've been there," I could say, "and this is how you get out," OR "I've been there, and believe me, you don't want to go." Presto! Bad judgment vindicated! Sins atoned for!
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have tried many times to help friends, relatives, coworkers, online correspondents, whomever. And I have been told many times that: "you really listen;" "you don't judge me," "you understand;" "wow, that makes sense," "I'm sure you're right," and then the friend, sister, brother, mother-in-law (I kid you not), person-from-Iowa-on-message-boards, whoever, goes ahead and does the same stupid thing that I had tried to help them avoid. Apparently my years of idiocy are meaningless, and most people have to learn the very hard way.
I would have to say to Judgy--you can care for someone, and still think they're making a bad choice, or even that they are, truly, morons. There are a couple of people that I really want to thump on the head. They are going to do the same foolish things that they had always planned to do. My job now is to keep in contact, try periodically to help them, as long as my sanity is not endangered, and to be there when their houses of cards eventually collapse--which they will. Then, I can help them clean up and nod when they say things like, "now I understand why there's a commandment about this," and "well, I can at least use my experience to help others." "You do that," I'll tell them, "I'm sure you'll really save someone a lot of pain."
cim902
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What do they want from you?
I'd (politely!) ask what these friends want from you when they tell you these things. Are they coming to you so you can advise them on how to change? Are they asking you to fix it for them? Do they want your permission to go on doing whatever they are doing? Or do they want a pat on the head and a "You poor thing!"
When you know why people tell you these things, you can respond more appropriately.
I have a friend who use to tell me all her stories of dating dysfunction: "He's perfect except he's not quite divorced ad he wants to see other people!" "He's great except he gives all his money to his parents!" "He loves me but he's not quite seer I'm the only woman he can love!" Finally I asked her "Do you want to know what I think you should do, or do you want to know that I still love you?" I knew she didn't ant to hear "Dump these losers and stop sleeping with guys until you know they're worth your time." But I could tell her "I love you, and you are valuable to me" without having to listen to all that garbage.
I think most of us confide in our friends because we don't go to confession. Confession is cathartic for confessee, and the confessor priest has the power to both reprimand and enforce a penance. When we tell our friends and get the catharsis, the friend has simply picked up our burdens without the ability to demand penance.
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Juliebird - confession
I imagine that confession, practised in the Catholic church, is very helpful for the human spirit. I have never done it as I am not Catholic.
Your friend , at the bottom, wants to hear you love her. Yes, she wants to discharge her problems too when she talks about them.
You are so right. Don't sleep with these men unless its been determined they and you have long term compatibility. Less confusion. Less time on an unsuitable match. Your friend's men-problems are problems of her own choosing.
She needs to formulate the values and qualities she desires in a man and WAIT for the right person. WAIT. Much more all-round satisfaction that way.
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Premature sexual relationships
When sex is introduced prematurely in a relationship it may be an indication that the person is not clear, or not working enough toward his/her own identity development. What standards in the partner does she/he want before the relationship progresses to sexual (emotional and physical ) intimacy?
Also, premature sex engagement is a sure way to abort the development of communication channels in a relationship. Channels which may vary according to different situations and vary according to the multiples selves we all carry within. It takes time to discover all this. There are no short cuts.
Delaying the sexual component in a relationship has many long term benefits.
It also declares that "I" am a separate individual (necessary for healthy relationships )and I don't throw over my boundaries in search of an identity fusion with you. (unhealthy)
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I Like the Socratic Method
People who talk to me about the hardships of their lives that I perceive as direct consequences of their decisions occasionally make me uncomfortable. It's not always clear why people want to complain/talk about their situations in life, and it's not always clear what they expect from the person they're complaining/talking to.
Rather than trying to "fake" sympathy or understanding when I have none, I just ask the people what they think is going on.
To the woman who complains because so many of her relationships with married men fail, I might ask: "Why do you think you keep getting into these relationships?"
To the man who complains that people around him won't give him any slack about some aspect of his behavior, I might ask: "What sort of treatment do you want from people who you've hurt with your actions?"
It's way too hard to try to be someone other than you are. If you're not pulling off the "sympathy" routine with the people you're judging, give it up. Don't try to say things you think these folks want to hear. That's not your job. Your job is to be you, and that may mean that when you're not feeling it, you don't fake it.
Ultimately, if you're really bothered by what you're feeling, and not what (your husband tells you) you're doing, you could meditate on it. It's so simple, it might be worth a try. Sit down in a quiet environment, close your eyes and breathe deeply, and concentrate on some recent event in which _you_ were upset by your feelings when one of these people started talking to you. 10-15 minutes of this may very well give you an insight into _why_ you were upset by what happened. It often happens that you'll become agitated, and your train of thought will lead you in a direction you don't want to go. That's OK, don't force it, just keep practicing.
Once you get some insight into why these situations are hard for you, or why your judgements about other people are making YOU upset, you may very well see a "solution" that is not currently evident.
(As a psychological side-note: developmentally, most people don't demonstrate the ability to see things from other people's perspectives until their mid-20's. Some people never develop that ability. People who don't have that ability don't tend to play the "counselor" role well...by that, I mean they're piss-poor at it. That doesn't make 'em bad people, of course. They just need to be a bit more conscious of their manners in situations like the LW described.)