Letters to the Editor
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@MeiTai, this is where you're missing the point
True. And the irony is -- for the neighbors, friends, co-workers etc. to get involved, they must first judge that the behavior of the abuser is unacceptable. This can't happen with the "live and let live," non-judgmental ideal -- in such a case, it would be verboten to criticize the abuser, lest anyone judge him and damage his self-esteem. And of course, that's ridiculous.
There is a big difference between setting limits on behavior and judging a human being. The difference is even encoded into the Bible.
The Ten Commandments ban certain behaviors, but at the same time, the message of the Bible is that the job of judging all humankind as good or evil is to be left up to God.
Suppose we say it this way:
Once you call someone "an abuser" then you have made a conscious choice to obliterate that person as an individual and label that person entirely by one type of bad behavior.
You can criticize a human being for having commited acts of abuse without turning that human being into a mere object called "an abuser."
Labeling a person by their bad behavior also is a very pessimistic wish upon the human race -- because a bad object can never change to become a good object again.
Objects can't do anything but continue to be objects, right?
When you turn human beings into powerless objects by the act of judgment, then you're giving up hope that there can ever be any change.
That's a very dreadful wish to make upon the world.
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Why is she (or her husband) hanging around these people?
A few years ago I decided to take responsibility for my life, and was able to eventually resolve quite a few problems. I got a decent job, lost weight and got relatively fit, and married a wonderful guy.
And, yes, now I am quite judgmental (like LW) about people I meet who haven't done these things. For the most part, there are two differences between me and them: courage and hard work.
But what does puzzle me is why LW finds herself surrounded by all these losers. Once I got a decent job and looked and felt better, I found myself in the company of relatively successful, pleasant people. I'd suggest she look for a new group of friends -- unless the issue is that she's so insecure that she feels better surrounding herself with people she can look down on.
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Hi AKA Smith
Hello,
You do bring a lot of insight into a case analysis.
It is absolutely true that one needs to love oneself first.
It is true one needs a stable life - and thank you for advising me to seek it.
I do have a stable life now, ever since I relocated to my new place.
As to whether my writing is strained and disorganized, hmmm, please be my judge.
You are a caring individual. Thanks for your kind thoughts and intentions.
Signed: Anonymous 11.03
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Perhaps it is fear of falling/failing?
Hi McJudgmental,
I am like you but I am 32 years older. I think that my own responses to seeing people mess up their lives while I was the one who did the "right" thing all the time was, perhaps, based on fear. It is easy to judge the other, that person who we can never become--the person who makes bad choices and then casts blame outwards. Or who accepts the blame but wants to vent bile and spleen all over your pristine landscape.
We are so confident that we would cop to the responsibility if some aspect of life came tumbling down on us. I think I fear the reckless and judge them because of a sense of "there but for the grace of....{insert whatever you like her}......my hubristic butt would be wallowing in that cesspool or this muddle or that deep pit over there.
You have lots of decades ahead to explore, potentially, how it feels to miss the bullseye. I don't think you should be hard on yourself. I think it's fantastic that you are making observations about how you respond to different people in differing situations.
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love
"I did not need pills or psychiatrist. I needed LOVE. I needed someone to speak up for me, to simply care. That's all."
This is exactly right. When there's never been anybody there to love you and give emotional support, then you have to find the money to pay a therapist for this support. I've told therapists this, that this is why I'm there, because there's nobody else out there and I'm a dry well, can't go on. They look at me funny and tell me I'm melodramatic. So how do you find people to love you and how do you "take care of yourself?" I don't know what that is.
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What if NOBODY "messed up their lives"?
Then who the hell would serve you breakfast when you went to Denny's? You'd all have to serve yourselves.
All of you depend every day on people who have "messed up their lives."
Those are often the people who occupy the lower tier of the employment hierarchy that the people in the upper tier depend on so they have the kind of time it takes to perform in an upper tier occupation.
This is one reason why the Bible encourages people to defer their powers of judgment to infinity.
If you judge people, then how can you honestly accept anything from them?
If you look down on that fifty year old waitress handing you that cup of coffee, then maybe you should get your freaking coffee from now on.
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Sorry Silenced, but I think it is much worse than that.
We have this illusion that this is the land of opportunity and that we can all have the life we seek. We are never supposed to speak the ugly truth. Most people who can indeed have exactly the life they seek are uniquely gifted in some way. Athletes who have come from poverty have athletic gifts. Singers who hit it big often have wonderful or very unique voices.
I once read a study that said that your economic position here in American was overwhelmingly likely do depend upon the economic position of your parents. It is not that people with economic advantages never mess up. We all know that they do. It is just they have a cushion to fall back upon when they do.
People who come from true poverty and manage to better themselves also have another gift of sorts. They usually do not come from abusive families. They usually do not have a serious mental illness. They usually do not have alcoholic parents.
I could see this sort of dynamic at work in my own family. My parents had difficult financial circumstances as my brothers and I were growing up. However, my father heaped all his love and attention on his eldest son to the point of denigrating and abusing the rest of us rather unmercifully. They actually called my brother Golden Boy. He is indeed much more financially successful than the rest of us. He also looks down upon the rest of us because our financial position does not equal his.
If we are realistic, we will admit that it also helps to be born white and that you are more in control of your choices if you are born male.
In this day and age when it is increasingly difficult for parents to afford college tuition, it should be obvious who the blessed are.
Don't even get me started on legacy preferences!