Letters to the Editor
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to the "ouch" anonymous
You're probably not reading this and I don't blame you (I can find the letters section hard to take too, and I'm mentally healthy). I just couldn't read your letter and not write to tell you that it's OK, neither the LW nor Cary nor anyone here is saying that people with severe mental illness and horrible pasts should be judged for poor choices they've made.
You might be relieved to know that the LW wrote in to clarify that she isn't at all judging people who are suffering due to misfortune. What you describe is misfortune of the highest order, and you have my sympathy, sob story or no sob story.
You have perfectly understandable reasons for having done whatever it is you have done. Severe mental illness is a pretty damn good reason. But I do think there are also some people out there who may have no reason other than stupidity for doing stupid things. Anyone with a flicker of wisdom and compassion should be able to see there are infinite shades of difference.
I wish you well. And I hope you read this. And tomorrow I'm staying off the letters board, because it can make one lose one's faith in humanity.
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Judging is necessary for people to get involved
When will we understand that 'we', the neighbor, friend, co-worker, family member, are the front line of defense against abuse?
True. And the irony is -- for the neighbors, friends, co-workers etc. to get involved, they must first judge that the behavior of the abuser is unacceptable. This can't happen with the "live and let live," non-judgmental ideal -- in such a case, it would be verboten to criticize the abuser, lest anyone judge him and damage his self-esteem. And of course, that's ridiculous.
People naturally make assessments of others' behavior and choices. When misfortune occurs that is beyond a person's control, that's understandable. It's even understandable when misfortune happens as a direct result of someone's conscious action. I just think it's too much to ask that no one ever thinks that a stupid choice is, in fact, stupid.
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To Anonymous 11.03am:
I do care. I hope things get better for you. I also understand about abuse and how abuse moves from generation to generation.
I also understand a bit about writing and how people express themselves, but I am not a counselor or a psychiatrist. What concerns me about your posts are several things. First is the suicide in your family. This is a very difficult thing to cope with. Second is the generational estrangement, with is also difficult to deal with. Third, I am concerned that you are not getting any younger but it appears that you do not have a safe or stable life. You need that. Fourth, whether you realize it or not, the way you express yourself is strained and disorganized.
You do not have to pay a counselor $125 dollars an hour to get help. I know your story is fascinating and that the counselor will want to hear it. Look in your phone book and see if you can find a mental health clinic that will see you on a sliding scale.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve a better life and to feel safe and cared for but you cannot get this if you do not reach out.
I agree with you that people who have been abusive to you bear some responsibility. However, right now your focus should be on finding the care that you need. Your needs are greater than anyone can reasonably help you with in these letters.
Love yourself first.
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@ Silenced
I too have worked with mentally ill people in vocational rehab. I know there are limits to what medication will do. I am not judging anyone.
However, as you say, they do return some functionality.
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My nervous breakdown
Some years back I had a complete nervous breakdown do to life stresses and PTSD. I could not continue my education. I could not work. At the same time, I discovered a lump on my breast and my back went into serious spasm. I had no medical insurance.
I had a friend who tried to be helpful to me. She was a bit of a social worker type. Some of her advice was good. Some was not very workable. I took the advice I could use and left the rest, but I could see she was frustrated that I did not take all her advice.
One of the things she wanted me to do was sell some of my larger pieces of furniture and get a smaller apartment. I did not want to do this. For one thing, due to the continuing back problems, I felt there was no way I could manage a move. For another reason, I did not want to give anything else up. I thought I had suffered enough losses.
I made small steps back to wellness. I managed to get a part time job. I paid off some of the bills that had mounted up. However, I did have student loan debt and ended up in default. The lump on my breast proved not to be cancerous. However, I have collapsed disks and the back pain is still with me on almost a daily basis.
Despite my small gains, my friend kept insisting I should sell my furniture. She seemed quite insistent that my life should contract to fit my financial circumstances. I thought this was a bit odd. However, I could not fault her. She was always helpful and ready to dispense advice. Once in a while, I could tell that she was supressing anger toward me and trying not to be judgmental.
Then I inherited over a couple hundred thousand dollars. I was so excited. I paid her back the $70 I had borrowed from her. I paid off debt. I took her out to dinner. I spoiled her just a bit. I wanted to celebrate. I loved her so for her constant loyalty and kindness to me.
I never showed off. I didn't brag about my better circumstances. It was a simple fact.
The friendship did not last. She became more and more distant as I became happier and less depressed. She simply couldn't deal with a mentally healthy me.
Poverty is so debilitating. No one can be their true self when they are ridden with anxiety about things like bills and worrying about being homeless. People are odd aren't they? My friend wanted less and less to do with me. I don't know if it was envy or if she only felt our relationship was built around my need. I told her more than once how much I cared for her and asked if there was anything I could do for her.
No use. She is gone from my life now. I miss her. Money is nice, but friends are better.
LW, always make sure the loving part of your relationships outweigh the judging part.