Letters to the Editor
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Rarely do I disagree with Carey....
...but I think that this time he really is overly sympathetic with the LW. Yes, the LW IS judgmental. But the source of this judgment is not her perceived unhappiness of those on the receiving end, because I think her ability to a priori perceive unhappiness in others is compromised by what is a pathological and egotistical inability to step outside of herself and look beyond her own situation. There are indeed people in the world who simply lack this ability. She defined - or had defined for her - a linear trajectory to happiness at a young age and has found that adhering to it has given her the things that she has wanted for her life. However, what makes one person happy does not hold for the next. Often, people make poor choices (when they are truly choices and not products of circumstance) because they too think that the choices they make will bring them happiness, even if only in the short term. Just because the LW has found the straight and narrow fulfilling, not everyone wants to graduate on time, get married young, have 2.3 kids, a dog, and an SUV. Some people want to postpone graduation and travel. Some people would rather spend their disposable income on, say, fashion rather than real estate. Simply put, LW lacks the empathy gene. Whether this is a product of nature or nurture, who knows, but I would think it makes being friends with her rather difficult. In what I assume to be an absence of profound connections to people outside of her immediate family such as her husband (even he, too, thinks her judgmental), is LW really as happy as she says she is?
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oh, you're a woman!
silly me.
but the drag-strip part still applies if it appeals to you.
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Work on acquiring some humility first
"Deep down I don't believe that I'll ever make that huge mistake because I'm just too sensible."
Unless you die suddenly in your sleep in the near future, you will almost surely experience the same thing that all those "fuck-ups" (a.k.a. mere mortals) have already had to face: bad luck, loss, and the realization that our lives don't always go the way we want them to. No matter how perfectly we hew to those straight lines, everyone is subject to the indignities of aging, of things not working out as smoothly as they should. You cannot be "too sensible" to be human.
Of course we all project our own issues onto others sometimes. But if the LW truly has lived as dull and conventional a life as she claims, I would suggest that she possesses a disability of sorts. I agree that she may feel compassion on some level, but I'm more skeptical about her capacity for empathy. I wonder if it's such a good idea to tell her she is "obligated" to try and help with suffering she apparently cannot understand.
I could not disagree more with the person who said that others would find the LW's "rectitude" encouraging. If I were having a bad day, the very last person I'd want to see would be someone who had never experienced an unexpected turn of events in his or her life. When people are struggling, they don't need the added burden of defending themselves against judgmental looks and insensitive remarks. The best thing the LW can do for such people is to retreat behind her white picket fence and leave them in peace, at least until she no longer needs a fake facade to express sympathy (let alone empathy).
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Pure Suffering
I think judging is a part of the human process and a critical skill in the evolution of survival. Now that we no longer have to make judgments about fight or flight situations with lions and tigers and cobras and marauding hordes, I think the more highly evolved and "successful" are those who are BEST at judging.
I am a person who feels cursed with judging. I follow a Buddhist practice, termed Insight Meditation (IM). One of the strategies of IM is to simply name your mind-set from moment to moment. I spend entire days watching the mind's movement. As I watch, I label the thoughts, e.g. envy, story telling, delusion, anger, judging, judging, judging. As I name these mind-sets, I try to experience the pure physical sensations of each of these mental states. Judging, for me, has one of the worst physical sensations. It is pure suffering.
When I think about it, the suffering I experience is as misguided as the unfortunate choices the person I am judging has made. We end up being in the same place! The misguided who is, say, deeply in debt, is cursed with problems . The misfortune of his/her choices are as troubling as my dark, judging mind. To be a Buddhist is to learn to let these judgmental feelings, for example, pass , as they are like are mere clouds in the sky, coming and going, endlessly. The lesson is that we are all the same, the foolish debtor is no more troubled than I, who is stuck with this "superb" skill of judging. One of the reliefs from a judging mind is to lower expectations. We are all human (flawed) in different ways. To presume that we are "good" and another is "messed up" is an sly joke.
I think Cary values judging too highly. If, as he suggests, underneath judging is really compassion, than there is, afoot, a bizarre comedy. I believe that underneath judging is only fear. Fear is what the LW needs to explore.
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yep, lacking the compassion gene
This is the kind of person who you can't help but secretly wish her husband would go have an affair with a prostitute. Maybe bring her back a good dose of crabs.
Oh , I know, I'm lacking in compassion myself tonight, but, really, LW, you need to go serve lunch to the homeless and , yes, sit down and EAT with them. Every single day for a year.(See yesterday's letter).
Cary was way, way too nice to you.
The thing is, LW, the path to happiness that was apparently laid out for you... wow! It actually WORKED for you. You're lucky! Try being GRATEFUL for your happiness rather than SMUG.
For other people, it doesn't work -- the path is laid out but it makes them miserable, so they take a shortcut or a side road and end up stuck in the muck. Or , perhaps, no one laid out the path so clearly and they never found their own way to it. Or perhaps they were simply unlucky and got a bad dose of herpes from a boyfriend they believed was loyal. Any number of things can lead to bad situation-- some are choices, some are not.
Haven't you ever spent any time with someone who truly came from a different background? Spent a little time really trying to listen to someone, to really put yourself in their shoes?
As they say-- until you walk a mile in someone else's moccasins, you should not judge.